RAMIL interaction with AH

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Claytonmomof2
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RAMIL interaction with AH

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 10:38 am

My recovering alcoholic mother in law has been trying to be there to support (in the right ways) my AH when possible recently. A little history - about 8 years ago my MIL's alcoholism began to disrupt her life and spiraled downhill from there. It was escalated by her husbands affair and their divorce. She spiraled badly. We'd get phone calls at 3am that she was in the hospital and we needed to pick her up, that she had wrecked but didn't know where she was and nobody could find her, that she was in jail for assault...the list goes on. It was awful to live through. I tried to take the brunt of it so that my husband (whom I knew could spiral at any time) wouldn't have to. Needless to say it caused a lot of strain on our relationship with her. My husband hasn't really had a good relationship as most of us would consider mother/son in a long time. About four years ago she started trying to get on her feet after being homeless for a short time. A few months later we offered her to move in with us to help her better get onto her feet. At that point my AH was in his second big "phase/battle" of addiction and just starting to come out of it. While we were trying to help her get on her feet I was also very vigilantly trying to keep her from enabling my AH. It was hard. Now she can understand why I was so adamant she not give him money and enable him under our own roof. Back then she just knew she shouldn't do it because I'd requested her not to. Not to mention having your MIL living on your property is difficult regardless of alcoholism/addiction. She lived with us for three years. Three years that I will never get back. Potentially the last three years of my family of four being in-tact. She was able to purchase a place up the road from us and since moving our my relationship with her has gotten better. She moved out for the better to her own place just two or three weeks prior to my AH moving out for the worse to pursue all things addiction. She's working hard on her own program with a sponsor and is trying to be there for me and for her AS when he needs her.

I kind of thought that we were on the same page about how to move forward in this process with her AS, my AH. She was going to be available to my AH when he reached out. He was beginning to reach out to her for advice. She thrived off of him needing her and her being in a place to provide guidance. I'm happy for that. Perhaps their relationship can be helped through this tragic experience for me and my two children. Maybe she'll get to be the mom to him that she's wanted to be the last 10 years. So that's great. But now it seems like she's using that to just try and get close to him in general. My fear is that by her getting close to him under these circumstances that it enables him emotionally to continue on like this.

I know that she can't replace me and my children and our spot in my AH's heart, but I'm bothered. I'm bothered that she's texting him about the super bowl for no reason. I'm bothered he'll see this as I've lost my wife and children but I've gained my mom. I'm just bothered by it. Not to mention the mistress he's residing with his closer in age to his mom than him - which to me signifies his mom-issues. It's almost like she's taking advantage of a horrible situation to better her relationship with him. She switched sponsors last week. I have a feeling it's because her other sponsor was sticking up for the no real communication unless he comes to you for help (which he was beginning to do..it was working). This sponsor is telling her that whether or not her son and I work out in our marriage that she needs to build her relationship with her son.

I agree she needs to build her relationship with her son but the timing under these circumstances is perplexing to me. I'm not sure how to feel about it. I know it's out of my control but it makes me not even want to talk with her anymore. I feel betrayed in a sense by her and I'm not sure what to do or how to explain that. Every moving piece of the puzzle right now seems so important that I cringe at the thought of someone messing it up even more. I felt we were getting so close to a breakthrough and I'm worried she'll sabotage it.

Ugh! Thanks for listening...just feeling defeated.

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DianeB
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Re: RAMIL interaction with AH

Post by DianeB » Tue Feb 06, 2018 11:59 am

I agree she needs to build her relationship with her son but the timing under these circumstances is perplexing to me. I'm not sure how to feel about it.
Is that really the case? Or do you want her to do it under your terms and not theirs? Are you feeling defeated because they aren't doing it your way?

I learned the hard way that I cannot fix, rescue or save other people's relationships. They have to do it on their own terms. I am not the fixer. However, when I looked at my feelings about my husbands relationship with my son, I realized that I was jealous. I wasn't the one taking care of it. I wasn't the one fixing it. I wasn't the director. My interference did damage to their relationship. So I had to back away and let them do it their way. I was powerless. It wasn't my business.

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