It's been a long time, but I'm back

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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shortred1
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It's been a long time, but I'm back

Post by shortred1 » Sun Feb 04, 2018 5:45 pm

It's been many years since my last post here. Sorry for the long post.

My then ABF and I broke up and my life got less complicated. After a while, I started dating a new guy. He was a dry alcoholic. We started dating too soon after his longterm relationship breakup and things ended after 2 years. I still loved him and hoped that one day we could try again. Over the years he kept messaging me, keeping in touch.

Finally, this past December I decided to meet up with him and see where he was at in life. Everything seemed to be good. He was building up his credit again and had a legal agreement with his ex regarding their children and they weren't fighting all the time. The feelings were still there and came flooding back for both of us. He told me that he put me in his will just before I broke up with him and he has never changed it. And says he never will as he will always love me.

After New Years he started saying things like, "I'm not good enough for you" and "You're better off without me". When I broke up with him years ago he was devastated. (though being who he is he didn't really show it) I thought he was just worried that I was going to break his heart again. He came up with so many different reasons why I should move on. I kept telling him that the things he was bringing up I had already thought of. IE: my kids are almost out of the house, his are still 10 & 13. I love him and want to be with him. Period.

Until a couple of weeks ago. He told me that he was an addict. At first I thought he was talking booze. Nope. He has been doing coke off and on for several years. I told him that I know that it is going to be a tough journey but I believe in him and I love him. I reminded him that this isn't my first rodeo, so to speak.

But he is different than my first ABF. He doesn't need money as he works hard at the same company he's been with for many many years. He doesn't ask for anything except that he wants me to move on and forget about him. And I can't do that. I am the only person (besides his dealer) that knows about this. I feel that he is pushing me away BECAUSE I know and that it will be easier for him to use if I am not messaging him.

I've been thinking about how I could be enabling him but I am at a loss. If I don't message him, he won't message me. He doesn't ask to come over. He says that he is really embarrassed. But he feels really comfortable with me and knows that I won't judge him. I told him that I thought he needs to have that in his life right now and to lose me AND work at being sober is a lot for one person to handle. I am struggling with how to detach with love in this situation. I've been reading past posts and haven't come up with anything.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. xo

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MissingHim2016
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Re: It's been a long time, but I'm back

Post by MissingHim2016 » Sun Feb 04, 2018 6:07 pm

Welcome shortred. So glad you're here for You!

You said "I've been thinking about how I could be enabling him but I am at a loss. If I don't message him, he won't message me. He doesn't ask to come over. He says that he is really embarrassed. But he feels really comfortable with me and knows that I won't judge him. I told him that I thought he needs to have that in his life right now and to lose me AND work at being sober is a lot for one person to handle. I am struggling with how to detach with love in this situation."

I've learned with my ALO that what I think is good for him doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is what HE thinks is good for him. It is not up to me to save him.

He is the only one who has control of his life and all I can do is love him and pray for him. Accepting that I have no control over his situation was the first step I learned here. It helped me to let go and let God so that I can peacefully move forward with my own life.

Hope you can join the online meeting tonight on "detaching with love". Hugs.

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Hope2018
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Re: It's been a long time, but I'm back

Post by Hope2018 » Sun Feb 04, 2018 8:51 pm

Sorry your going through this, detaching with love for me is no texts, no social media. That way i never have to wonder what’s going on and lose sleep and cause stress in my normal life. It’s a time to help myself learn how to bring peace into my life since I can’t control what my ALO my sister is doing or going to do. I don’t have to be involved in her chaos because I didn’t cause it, I cant control it and I cant cure it. The 3C’s, I read my SESH book daily and pray to my God for her and myself. It’s not easy but as I work my program for me I’m feeling so much better.

I was her biggest cheerleader and tried for many many years to get her help and I just can’t do it anymore my health has been affected by this, anxiety, depression and lots of sleepless nights. I’ve missed work because of this so many times. I’ve lost who I was and I’m not the one with the problem.

Try to join us at the meeting tonight if you can.

Keep coming back. This group has helped me get to where I am today in just a month.

(((Hugs)))

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DianeB
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Re: It's been a long time, but I'm back

Post by DianeB » Sun Feb 04, 2018 9:56 pm

I feel that he is pushing me away BECAUSE I know and that it will be easier for him to use


I found that it was hard for my son to be in contact with me when actively using. He didn't have the want to stop and he couldn't stand the shame he felt when he saw first hand how he was hurting his family.

You know that. You said it...

Working for these many years on trying to figure me out, I think I have come to understand quite a few things that trip me up in my relationships...doesn't mean I fixed them all....but I recognize them.

I found that I have a bad picker. I didn't do so well in picking my relationships. I have the propensity to pick those who need saving. I pick those who I think need my help. Those I think I can fix with my love. I was attracted to unhealthy, to addicts. Didn't see it then.

I won't bore you with all the family orgins junk, nor my own inadequacies, my self worth, etc. But I tended to pick those men who met my needs in boosting up my own self worth. Those that made me look better, feel better than. Those who I thought NEEDED my help to be better. It wasn't that I thought I was really better than, but rather more like they were worse than me so I became better than.

This may make no sense at all to you. It is just my experience in looking hard at myself. I now know that I am good enough, no better, no worse.

The other thing that was hard for me to deal with was that love wan't enough. Love wouldn't fix, it wouldn't save. I had to step away from unhealthy. I could only offer support when recovery was what he wanted. Not me.

Damn girl....I hate this for you. But so glad to see you here. I know you have strong support....use it liberally.

shortred1
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Re: It's been a long time, but I'm back

Post by shortred1 » Sun Feb 04, 2018 11:24 pm

I made it to the meeting tonight. And I texted him saying that if he really thought that he was better off without me, then I would leave him alone. He hasn't said if that is what he wants. I think it was a test to see if I would take off on him. I know that my picker is broken. This time I thought I knew what I was getting into, a dry alcoholic. It wasn't until I was "all in" so to speak. He has such low self esteem right now. He doesn't understand why I am fighting for him.

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MissingHim2016
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Re: It's been a long time, but I'm back

Post by MissingHim2016 » Sun Feb 04, 2018 11:48 pm

So glad you made it to the meeting! Hope you keep coming back for You! Hugs and Prayers.

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SDIN2T
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Re: It's been a long time, but I'm back

Post by SDIN2T » Mon Feb 05, 2018 12:16 pm

I get it. In my Naranon journey I had to figure out why I was so willing to fight for my wife and 2 sons, who suffer from addiction, but I wasn't willing to fight for myself. I was being dragged along with my wife and sons while they continued their addiction. The problem was that I was willing participant because I thought it was my duty to fight for them. Isn't that what a loving husband and father is supposed to do when they see their wife and sons suffering?

You question yourself about enabling even though you provide no money or other resources. In my experience forget the money part, I enabled my wife and sons mentally, emotionally and physically, and that was the hardest part to understand. In my head I convinced myself I had to be the one to help them, and I kept their addiction a secret and made excuses for them. In my heart I knew if I stayed attached and loved them just a bit more, they would stop using. When they couldn't function and be part of the family, I picked up the slack doing all the work in and around the house for them, and became the only person with a job.

I finally came to the realization I can't be the person to save them and I have no idea if they will ever seek recovery. It is not within my power to control them in a the way I think they should live their lives.

I am still willing to fight for them, but not in the same way as I the past, and JFT, my priority is to fight for my recovery.

:JR
And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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Ronni
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Re: It's been a long time, but I'm back

Post by Ronni » Tue Feb 06, 2018 9:32 am

Addiction doesn't get better on its own. It's not like a cold for example, where even if you don't do anything it's eventually going to go away. It also isn't static. It may appear to be, but an addict only ever goes one or two ways. They either seek recovery, or their use gets more and more intense over time as they become able to tolerate and get less effects from the current dosage.

And often too, those two ways battle with each other...they use, then they attempt recovery, then they relapse and use again, then seek recovery again...it's a roller coaster, but in my experience, the lows of the rollercoaster ride get lower each time they choose to use.

As far as my RAS is concerned, simply being passive about his addiction was enabling him. I didn't have to do stuff for him, give him money, help him out..just being around him when he was active was enough to enable him. Because if I was willing to be with him then I was tacitly accepting his choices and willing to have them in my life.

Took me a while to learn that. Took me even longer to assert that boundary.
My son's addiction is something that happened TO HIM. It is NOT something he did TO ME.

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