Did she really OD 3 times?

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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crushed1
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Did she really OD 3 times?

Post by crushed1 » Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:23 am

My 20 yo AD was arrested for a DWI in the middle of the night after taking my car and damaging it in the beginning of December. She quickly disclosed she was using heroin and meth and though she wanted detox she took about 5 days of taking off before she entered. It ended up being a unrelented period of relapse and even got kicked out of detox/rehab when she came home for 4 hours on Christmas and returned high as a kite.

Just a few weeks ago, she left an IOP and was living here with the promise she would go inpatient. But we endured delay after delay after delay and at the end she was so high it was frightening. I snuck up on her room very early one morning and in retrospect she had all the symptoms of just taking heroin. Together we had decided which treatment facility she would go to (dual diagnosis and incredibly reputable-we live in S. CA and there are a massive amount of rehabs here). The treatment program even came with coaches to motivate her to enter but she was adamant she needed one more day as she needed to get payment from a dealer and pay another dealer--manipulation or real?. Our heads rolled. Her drug abuse escalated after that and we found despite hiding everything she withdrew hundreds from our bank account though we intercepted that and found most of the money. We told her she had to leave and we were unable to support her addiction but she was so high she just laughed. I came home one day after a short errand and found her and a unknown boy combing through our closet looking for anything to aid the addiction. In the end we hired an interventionist team that FINALLY got her into the program. Within hours she tried to leave and it was a mad scramble to cut off her phone and wi-fi. That was awful enough, only to be followed by the interventionist telling us she was the scariest addict they'd come across. She was not only shooting heroin but was plugging and mixing such incredible amounts of drugs that she had OD'd 3 times. I went into emotional shock and couldn't stop crying for days. She told us she'd been taking drugs since the fall but that seems like an incredibly deep descent. She was an accomplished lier before this and I'm sure she's fine tuned it since. I've since read about 5-6 books on addiction and have a completely different understanding than before-I can recognize the issues since early childhood which made her vulnerable to addiction (unable to manage emotions). On top of it her sister has borderline personality disorder with traits appearing when my AD was only 5 and was hospitalized and sent to treatment centers throughout her adolescence . Both of our girls are also adopted which we've since understood is greatly impacted with abandonment issues.

Her rehab center has actually required Al-anon even to participate in family group which to me signifies how serious they approach addiction. But from my reading I've learned that even with the best treatment, recovery is on its own timeline. We can't control it!

How does one cope with a sudden discovery of the worst addictions possible only to learn they are on the brink of death? My state of mind was bad before but now it is devastated, My marriage has been on shaky grounds since traversing my older daughter's illness and while my husband and I agree wha is necessary (not enabling) he seems profoundly incapable of providing any emotional or tactical support. I don't work which means recently I do all things related to protecting ourselves from addiction. He expected me to file a restraining order (against himself when she pulled a knife) and also to formally evict her from our house which the interventionist recommended then changed her mind after I hired a lawyer. He seems to have no clue how emotionally upsetting this is for a mother--like a task like picking up his dry cleaning. My older daughter denies her sister even has an addiction and when I told her she had an infected abscess she joked that she just didn't even do it right.

My family has completely imploded and while my focus is absolutely helping my AD, the enduring problems just stack up.

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LKSG8R
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Re: Did she really OD 3 times?

Post by LKSG8R » Fri Feb 02, 2018 6:32 am

Hello and welcome.

The last sentence in your post states that you are absolutely focused on helping your AD. The main concept I have learned in Nar-Anon and from this forum is that the only person I can truly help is myself. I cannot "help" my addicted son. I cannot choose recovery from drugs for him, nor can I do the work for him to get clean and stay clean. Yes, even with the best treatment, best support, best environment, an addict can and will relapse if they don't truly want to be clean. All I can do as his mother is to not make things worse by enabling him, and to protect myself.

I have felt all the panic, anguish, confusion, isolation that you are feeling right now. I don't ride that emotional rollercoaster anymore, even though my AS is still using. Detachment is a powerful tool that has saved my life, but it takes work. Read as many posts as you can, read the literature, find a meeting if possible. The support here on this forum, and in this program, is nothing short of amazing. Your husband does not understand the depths of a mother's emotional attachment to their children, but we do!!!

Lisa
Trying to be the person my dog thinks I am.

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flash
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Re: Did she really OD 3 times?

Post by flash » Fri Feb 02, 2018 8:22 am

I am so sorry for the pain, fear, despair and isolation you are feeling.
It is hard to go through this without feeling supported as many of us do.
I would also recommend reading as much as you can on the forum.
read old posts and new posts and you can see that change is possible.
The change, however, will be within you and unfortunately we have no control over changing our loved ones.
That is something that only they can do.
I know it feels impossible that we can move on with our lives while our child is suffering and in this pain.
I can assure you that it is possible and that is what nar-anon can do for us.
Separating myself from my son's addiction was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.
I realized I had to do just that to survive.
My son's addiction was dragging me down a very deep black hole and thank God for this program I found a way to crawl out.
The SESH (Sharing Experience, Strength and Hope) book is a great daily read (order through naranon.org) . You will see that you are never alone again.
Stick around - it does help!
Love, Donna

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DianeB
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Re: Did she really OD 3 times?

Post by DianeB » Fri Feb 02, 2018 11:52 am

The hardest t hing I had to do during my sons active addiction was to realize that I was grieving the loss of my loved while he was still alive. For as sure as death is for each of us, addiction is another form of death while still living.

The best thing I found to do was to begin by going to meetings. Learning to have self care for myself. My devastated self was in no condition to make any rational decisions for me, for my son or for the rest of the family. I needed to up my game and start with my own healing. If my son and family was to have any chance in this journey, I needed to be healthy physically and emotionally.

I found a sponsor, went to meetings, worked the steps, read everything I could on healing myself. Then reading everything on being there for others in positive, healthy ways. Beginning my own healing gave me insight into how to be supportive of my son without enabling him.

Go to meetings, find a sponsor to walk with you, work the steps. Heal from within so you can be there to support others in their healing.

Sounds like gobbledy gook, but after over a decades of addiction and recovery, I can tell you it worked for me.

crushed1
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Re: Did she really OD 3 times?

Post by crushed1 » Fri Feb 02, 2018 12:52 pm

Your point about live grieving resonates deep within me. I've actually said those words to several people. Not only does it feel like my AD is gone like death but said I feel only people who have gone through this would understand it just like death again. Thank you for that connection.

crushed1
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Joined: Thu Dec 28, 2017 1:52 pm
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Re: Did she really OD 3 times?

Post by crushed1 » Fri Feb 02, 2018 12:59 pm

How insightful and consistent were all your comments. You're right that I'm still focusing on my AD which I KNEW I'm not supposed to do, yet couldn't even see it within myself. The emotional first shock of recognition on top of the level of use was and is devastating. Taking care of myself, my plan is to start seeing a therapist, attend meetings and "do" the steps. Keep reading this forum.

I found a close meeting and will start attending next week. Although the treatment center said Al-Anon, I can't imagine Nar-Anon wouldn't be OK'd as substitute.

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flash
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Re: Did she really OD 3 times?

Post by flash » Sat Feb 03, 2018 8:50 am

I know there isn't supposed to be cross talk but I just wanted to mention that either al-anon or nar-anon has worked for people on here.
I went to a couple al-anon meetings and although everyone was very pleasant it was when I walked in a nar-anon meeting I felt home.
It may have just been that particular meeting that was the perfect fit for me. Try a few and give each a chance (either) and you will find the right fit.

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