New to Forum and Looking for Peace

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

Moderator: Moderators

Post Reply
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Feb 01, 2018 11:21 pm
option_firstname: Tammy

New to Forum and Looking for Peace

Post by Tam317 » Thu Feb 01, 2018 11:59 pm

I’m new to this forum but not new to the pain and suffering created by my AS. My husband and I are at our wits end. We have tried everything to help him and his wife but they have lost everything- their children, their jobs, their home and their cars. They somehow scraped up enough cash to buy a used car and that is their current home. We are have custody of their two precious children. We need help in understanding how two people lose everything and how it becomes more important than their children. The youngest child was diagnosed with brain cancer in November 2016 and the children have been in our care since February of 2017. We need help in learning how to detach from the AS and overcome our resentment for turning our lives upside down. There are no meetings near us so I would like to learn about online meetings so my heart can begin to heal and I can move forward with being a parent for the second time.

User avatar
Posts: 153
Joined: Mon Apr 17, 2017 7:42 pm

Re: New to Forum and Looking for Peace

Post by LKSG8R » Fri Feb 02, 2018 6:55 am

Welcome, you are so in the right place. I only have a minute to post, but I wanted to express the compassion I feel for you and your situation. Your grandchildren are very blessed to have you in their lives. I know this because I grew up with an addicted mother. She was very good at hiding it, but my grandmother knew and was my rock.

The only way I could come to any peace about how my addicted son could throw away all his opportunities in order to do drugs was to finally accept that he is powerless over his addiction. Powerlessness is why his life has become unmanageable. It is Step One of AA and NA. The powerlessness that addiction creates! Without serious help, and a serious desire to get help, an addict is powerless to change.

It is the basis for our Step One, too. I am powerless to change my AS, or his disease. All I can do is try to find serenity for myself. It sounds like that is what you are looking for too. Many people come here looking for advice on how to fix their addicts. There is no advice here for that, but there is a multitude of love and support for those of us who love an addict and are experiencing the fall out from their consequences.

Again welcome!
Trying to be the person my dog thinks I am.

Posts: 235
Joined: Tue Mar 03, 2015 9:47 am

Re: New to Forum and Looking for Peace

Post by Ma1954 » Fri Feb 02, 2018 6:58 am

So sorry for your family distress. Hugs keep coming back. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

User avatar
Posts: 167
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2016 3:35 pm
option_firstname: Joan

Re: New to Forum and Looking for Peace

Post by Knappster » Fri Feb 02, 2018 8:08 am

Welcome. Drugs are so powerful and we are so powerless. It's hard to believe our loved ones do the things they do, but that is the power of this disease. The 3 C's: We didn't Cause it, we Control it, and we Can't cure it. Our online meeting are Sunday, Monday and Wednesday nights at 8 p.m. eastern time. Just click on online meeting at the top of the page at that time. This is a wonderful, caring group of people who are here for each other. Hope you can join us.

User avatar
Posts: 1997
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2014 8:13 pm
Location: CT

Re: New to Forum and Looking for Peace

Post by flash » Fri Feb 02, 2018 8:12 am

As the first responder put: you are so in the right place.
As impossible as it may seem right now you can find some peace and even maybe some compassion despite this horrible situation you are part of.
It does all come down to accepting that we are powerless and accepting that this is a disease that they are powerless over also.
When I came here over three years ago I never thought I could possibly find any peace among the chaos of my son's addiction.
I just kept listening, reading, going to the on line meetings, and I was fortunate to have a f2f meeting near me.
I learned that it is in fact my son's addiction and I needed to put it down.
I couldn't carry it around anymore.
It was slowly killing me.
I now work with families trying to educate them on this disease, how it affects the brain (helps a little to comprehend how they can just walk away from everything that the average person would never do); how to set boundaries for ourselves, find support and move on with our lives.
This is not easy for anyone. Some more resistant than others.
Some move on in anger, some with compassion, and almost all live with an underlying fear that they can lose their loved ones from this disease.
There are meetings here 3 nights a week.
This forum is amazing and I am so glad you found it.
There are also some grandparents here raising their grandchildren.
Stick around - start reading.
Love, Donna

Posts: 122
Joined: Mon Oct 16, 2017 8:01 pm

Re: New to Forum and Looking for Peace

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Fri Feb 02, 2018 10:08 am

Addiction is perplexing. You trying to figure out how your AS and wife could choose drugs over their children is the same questioning I had for my AH. How could he choose drugs and a mistress (enabling/drug using) over his family? Drugs are that powerful. Drugs get a hold of the people that we love and turn them into someone we don't recognize. The man that my AH is today is not my husband or the father of my children and that's why I can't allow him to be around us right now. It took me a long time to grieve the loss of my husband (hopefully temporarily) and to focus on what I could control and change. I focus on my roof and the contents within it, including myself and children. Anything outside of that zone doesn't pertain to me.

The addict must become sick and tired of being sick and tired, just as we have. All the effort I put into finding him treatment, arranging financial plans to get him into treatment, pouring my heart out to him, trying to love him through didn't matter. He walked away from treatment, although I felt he was sincere about being there initially. My AH has to find his gift of desperation before any successful change can happen. I can just hope and pray that his desperation happens soon.

A few slogans that have helped me:

Nothing changes if nothing changes
3 C's: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it
Let Go and Let God

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 4 guests