I just need some words of love and encouragement

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Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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run5203
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I just need some words of love and encouragement

Post by run5203 » Wed Jan 31, 2018 10:17 am

I'm at a breaking point.
My daughter, who is 10, was caught at school trying to cut herself with scissors. She told the principal it's because she feels sad and anxious a lot of the time. She didn't cut herself deeply (barely scratched herself actually) but the school was still freaked out and called me in for a safety plan meeting.

My AH came along too. We had a talk later that we needed to try and work things out for her sake. We keep having this talk and he keeps saying he wants to move home and work on our marriage.

So yesterday he was home with me (after the school meeting) and I brought up something I've asked him before. I can work on all the issues in our relationship, but I have to put a boundary on him seeing other women. His infidelity has caused me to go mentally crazy and i can't focus on recovery until that FIRST boundary is placed. He said I keep bringing that up, and that he's not seeing anyone, etc. etc.

Well, he laid down to take a nap and I went into check on him. Lo and behold, his phone was on, and he was messaging HER, the worst one of his infidelity partners. This woman is evil. I know he does drugs with her, he's gotten into four car accidents (destroyed two cars) while seeing her, she is unemployed, divorced, looking for trouble all the time.

He's told me over and over that he doesn't like her, doesn't want to be with her anymore, and that I need to quit worrying about her. I didn't see what the conversation was because, I seriously have PTSD over this woman, and just seeing her name on his phone gave me such a shock I nearly vomited.

When he woke up I told him we are divorcing if he doesn't adhere to my boundary of NO WOMEN, NO CONTACT, and I have the right to see his phone and computer if I feel unsure about anything. Unsurprisingly this led to a huge fight. It calmed down but then flared back up again and I sent him back to his apartment.

I sent him an email outlining my boundaries and told him that I have a meeting with a family law mediator Friday. I haven't heard back. He called me every name in the book last night, including telling me I'm the most pathetic, ugly bitch he's ever met in his life.

The thing here is, I am so worried about our daughter. I don't have much left in me to even take care of me right now, and my heart is 10000000% more breaking because I have to bear her pain too. I can't believe she was cutting herself (or even just trying to). I have to hold down my two jobs and pay all the bills, too, and I know my work is suffering lately because of this. One job knows my personal issues and has been very kind about it. The other job I am still proving myself and they know nothing--just that I'm making errors.

So I am a pathetic ugly bitch,
A rotten mother,
and I'm failing at work too.

My heart can't bear it.

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Serenity8
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Re: I just need some words of love and encouragement

Post by Serenity8 » Wed Jan 31, 2018 11:21 am

Your story is a mirror image to mine. It took me years to realize my AH was not able capable of being honest or trustworthy while he was deep into his addiction to Cocaine and women. He was not able to be the father and husband that I wanted him to be. No mater how much I would beg, cry and plead in desperation that he confess his cheating ways he would always deny. There would always be opportunities for me to snoop into his calls, text and emails and of course when he was high and out of it. Sometimes when we would be separated, after I would demand he leave because of his binges, I would purposely allow him to return just to sneak into his phone and call the women he would have been with. All this going on while the children was watching. I thought they were too young to understand but trust me they were just as miserable as I was. EVEN MORE. The AH would always blame me for my insecurities. He too would call me ugly, stupid, ignorant ......... the list would go and on. Me being loyal, dedicated and faithful was not the kind of woman he wanted. I couldnt find the logic in that! But I wasnt the addict! He was! But I was addicted to trying to recover the life that I expected to have with this man before his decision to allow drugs to ruin it. so I realize after 18 years of misery that I wasnt going to have that life again but life was going to different and I was going to make it BETTER I had to protect my children and myself from that horrible life! I couldnt wait on my AH to do it I had to not focus on the wrong decisions he was making and make right decisions when it came to my children and I. Not Fussing and fighting in front of the children was a right decision. Not allowing him to be in the presence of my children while he was under the influence was the right decision. Even not allowing him to be around us after he used and was so called "getting himself together" physically. Now today hes in recovery 3 months and my strength from God has kept me strong to overcome the past the present and the future whatever that may be. I went back to college online I am involved in multiple church organizations and I keep myself busy with family and loved ones. You are strong! You can do anything you put your mind to! I believe in you because we share the same story and If I can do it so can you. There is always light at the end of every tunnel!
Last edited by Serenity8 on Wed Jan 31, 2018 11:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: I just need some words of love and encouragement

Post by run5203 » Wed Jan 31, 2018 11:35 am

Thank you. Part of me just wants to let him come back and do whatever he wants so long as he's there for our daughter (I don't know to what degree she is aware of his addictions, but she is very close to him). But then I know I will snap, and my breakdown will affect her. She's seen me break down too many times in the past few years.

I am the one who is her "bad cop" parent, and I say that in a positive way. I'm the one she can depend on--who is annoying and yells and puts down rules, who makes her do her homework, get to school on time, etc. I'm the serious one. It affects her greatly if I show signs of emotional instability.

A story to share. When we were in earlier stages of our separation, my daughter would text her father, sometimes to ask him for things I said "no" to. One night she didn't want her dinner and so she went to bed hungry because I was not making her another dinner. She was not starving, she just was being picky. Well, she texted her dad and said she was starving. He didn't contact me--instead, he called Dominos and ordered pizza to our house without telling me. The doorbell rang at 11:30 p.m. when we were both sound asleep. I panicked--I'm a woman who lives here alone with a little girl, after all. When I saw it was pizza, I assumed the delivery guy had the wrong address and said "oh sorry, you must have the wrong house."

The next morning my daughter cried and asked where was the pizza? Infuriated, I texted my husband. He snapped back, "This is your fault, and you can't control everything."

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Re: I just need some words of love and encouragement

Post by run5203 » Wed Jan 31, 2018 11:43 am

And, I don't know what I want to do. I already have two degrees. I'm successful in my career. I'm active at my church. I have a great relationship with my family of origin, and lots of friends. There's nothing I feel I need to do or achieve.

I just want my family to be healed. It seems so simple.

I really feel like God has turned His back on me in this regard.

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Re: I just need some words of love and encouragement

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Wed Jan 31, 2018 11:57 am

I feel your pain. I know exactly what your words mean and feel to you. My AH walked out on us initially. I can’t tolerate his infidelity and when I saw it when he moved back in I made him leave. That behavior (a product of his addiction) is unacceptable in our home. He can’t be the husband and father we need while active - so he’s not.

My kids spiraled after a few weeks of not seeing dad. We sat down, talked and prayed together and handed it to God. It helped. I was almost ready to get my youngest into counseling and at some point they will need it. Ive also given each of them memory verses to help them each week.

I too have multiple degrees, active in my church and have life basically figured out - just no hubby and dad in the house right now. Take this time to find your strength in yourself and to spend those energies on your home and daughter. I’ve focused on little projects at home that bring me happiness.... things I’d been too busy to tackle.

I’ve invested so much into my kids right now that I think they’d almost be upset to have to share me with dad again.... but that will happen in Gods timing. For the first week in seven months I’ve found some happiness. You can too.

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Re: I just need some words of love and encouragement

Post by run5203 » Wed Jan 31, 2018 12:27 pm

The other reason I cannot allow any contact with women is, his affair partners are not simply just fun people to party with. These women get attached. Every one he's been involved with has literally fallen head over heels for him. They see me as an impediment (and I'm sure he tells them he's separated, I'm the crazy wife, etc., anything to keep them on the hook). And they do things that risk my reputation as well as my daughter's reputation.

The woman who he was messaging with? She won't let go, even though he apparently hasn't treated her very well. She gets loaded, then posts crap on Facebook for all to see. One time she went on my page and rambled on (in total drunkspeak, typos, the works) about how I better get out of the way because he's "her man." I have business associates and parents from my daughter's school as friends on Facebook.

My daughter just joined Facebook (relatives only as friends) and has an Instagram account for her budding photography and art projects. I'm scared this woman, or one of his other party people, will find her online.

My AH is trying to get a job. She tags him on stuff (he finally figured out how to not allow tagged posts on his timeline), would comment inappropriate things on his profile photos, etc. I tried to tell him this stuff matters, reputation wise, in this day and age when you're trying to find a job. Unsurprisingly she herself can't find a job--probably because she posts incoherent crap on her FB page about how she can't find a job.

I am trying hard to focus on my daughter, but her school problems just threw me for a huge loop. I just feel like I can't do anything right. I'm feeling really sorry for myself. Outwardly, as I've posted before, I know perfectly well I'm an attractive, smart woman. Inwardly I do feel like the pathetic bitch he calls me.

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Re: I just need some words of love and encouragement

Post by Serenity8 » Wed Jan 31, 2018 12:33 pm

I read on this forum a few days ago "If your addict is mad at you that mean your doing something right." My youngest daughter is 14 and when she was younger she thought her dad my AH was the "fun" parent. He would give her anything she wanted to compensate for him disappearing for days and not making school functions and just being a horrible dad. Well as she started to realize as she became older that things wont substitute for his love she started to shut down and become depressed and uncaring. Now at 14 she knows its him and not her. She understand that he is sick. The foundation I provided for her of stability and rules has kept her rooted and grounded in reality. Your daughter may not understand it now because shes only 10 but she will thank you for loving her enough to say No sometimes. Sometimes I feel me staying with my AH was worse than leaving and I only stayed to please myself and not the kids and that I used me staying for the kids as an excuse.I feel guilty because maybe Im teaching my daughters to be weak instead of strong. I mean isnt strong leaving and never looking back? Im still trying to decide... Your baby loves you and you want the best for her. Thats whats important. When I surrendered my will to God and not my own I became a better mother and woman.Everyday is a new day a new beginning! You are worthy! You are wonderful!

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Re: I just need some words of love and encouragement

Post by MarieW » Wed Jan 31, 2018 12:50 pm

When my son was 17 he started stealing his dad's pain pills and eventually became a full blown heroin addict. I will forever regret not leaving my husband sooner. Our home, while peaceful on the surface, was toxic to my son and my daughter. I stayed because I thought even an addicted father in the house was better than none. I was wrong.

(Sorry, not very loving or encouraging, just reality for me).

you said:
And, I don't know what I want to do.
I found my answers by going to meetings and working my own recovery program.

Keep coming back.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

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Re: I just need some words of love and encouragement

Post by run5203 » Wed Jan 31, 2018 1:07 pm

I told him we will divorce if he doesn't adhere to the boundary, so it looks as if we are going that way.

I have no idea how to negotiate divorce, especially if he takes up with this woman or other women on a more committed level. It will be so embarrassing on so many levels. I guess I can cross that bridge if I come to it. In the meantime he doesn't seem prepared to honor that boundary or get rid of the woman, so there's nothing I can do.

And, in terms of not knowing what I want to do--I mean, I don't know what I want to do. Nothing sounds enjoyable. There is a lot of talk about "doing things that I love," "finding what makes me happy," etc. I don't know what those are anymore. The things I used to enjoy don't sound great anymore. Nothing does. God, I sound like a whining child. But I literally see nothing ahead of me but tiring, long days working, managing my child's emotional health as a result of this mess (and yelling at her to do her homework), and nothing else. Nothing fun. Nothing I want to do.

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Re: I just need some words of love and encouragement

Post by endoftheroad » Wed Jan 31, 2018 1:30 pm

Setting up "boundaries", which were really like threats to my addicted son, had no lasting affect whatsoever.
I remember feeling so trespassed when he used in the house, watched porn on my computer and stayed out all night! How could he? I told him not to!
It's funny how we come to think that the mind of an addict will listen and understand :(
He gave up all rights to his then 2 year old daughter some 4 years ago? Did he really care about her welfare? he cared most about satisfying his addictions. And he still does. But, I have a different life today. It is serene in my house because he is out of it. ;) ;)

I was a child of alcoholic parents and my parents who were "trying" to stay together for my sister and I just made my childhood miserable. I stuttered for years and my sister also cut herself. She said it was so she could feel something besides depression. Gad....the best thing that ever happened for us was when those 2 got divorced. My mom struggled to work, but she got sober and life was pretty darn good. Our grandparents helped a lot.

Your answers will come when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired. You are not alone here! Keep coming back.
This is the easier softer way.....

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Re: I just need some words of love and encouragement

Post by run5203 » Wed Jan 31, 2018 1:53 pm

What is there to do? All I hear about and read about in my studies on addiction (both drugs and SAnon...and I spoke with a sex addiction counselor two years ago when this all started to really get out of hand) is "boundaries."

I guess it does sound like I'm telling him what to do. But really I'm telling him what I will do. I have tried hard to phrase it as, "I can't remain in the marriage if this is going on." Unsurprisingly it escalates into a fight.

Last night, I recall saying to him, "What do you expect of me? Do you really expect me to just sit here and not be upset when you are messaging the woman who basically tore my life and family apart?" I mean, come on. I don't know how else to get it through to him. Me not getting upset over seeing a message from this woman is basically like expecting a Holocaust victim to not get upset seeing a photo of Hitler. Why are addicts so crazy? What is so hard to understand? I'm going nuts right now.

I've told him before some of his behaviors are just flat out wrong. That anyone would agree they are wrong. Like when he stays out all night and doesn't tell me where he is. That's wrong in a marriage. He argued back, of course. In exasperation I said, "You know what? If I were to go out in the street and find some little old lady walking around, and beat her senseless with a baseball bat, and run away to let her die on the pavement...would you agree that's wrong? Would anyone on earth except a psycho think that's RIGHT and OKAY?"

I've said to him many times I think he just wants a robot. Smile, be pleasant, no other emotions, let him have all the money, let him do whatever he wants.

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Re: I just need some words of love and encouragement

Post by run5203 » Wed Jan 31, 2018 2:08 pm

I am so upset and frustrated. I hope it's okay to vent. I just don't know what the hell he wants. I have supported him through an unstable career (some years up, some down), made sure we had a nice standard of living, cleaned up all his messes (including two wrecked cars and a currently pending insurance settlement from someone he hit and injured). I've taken on all our debt. I'm raising his child and making sure she has a stable life (outside of issues with us, her life is very stable). I've offered to do anything he needs to work on this marriage. I said he could come home, we'd figure out a budget, start rebuilding...I'd go to AA if he wanted (he always harps on my drinking).

ALL OF THIS and I am the pathetic bitch? He can't do ONE F***ING THING FOR ME? All I am asking is that he blocks contact with these whores. The one he keeps messaging, he says he can't stand her anyway. wtfwtfwtfwtf. I AM GOING CRAZY MYSELF.

thank you for listening

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Re: I just need some words of love and encouragement

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Wed Jan 31, 2018 2:36 pm

I'm thankful that I have this time right now, with addiction not in my home, to focus on myself and the kids. Our life right now is so simple that I wouldn't dare go back to active addition in our home. If that means him living with his girlfriend (which he is) then so be it. That's on him. Those are his choices. What he's figuring out now is that he means nothing to her, despite her being head over hills for him. When you force a "flame addiction" to become their reality it takes the flame away. Let's face it....dating someone and then washing their dirty underwear are two different stories. So there he is....miserable with his "flame addiction." I know he's miserable because his 3am drunk voicemail told me so. He's on the verge of a breakthrough I can feel it. A breakthrough not because I kicked him out....a breakthrough not because of me shoving what he should be doing down his throat....but a breakthrough because he's getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. A breakthrough because I've now forced the consequences completely on him. In no way, shape or form am I supporting him in any way at this point other than financially maintaining the home where the kids and I reside. When I got sick and tired of being sick and tired I made him leave. Not with the intention of divorcing, but because I couldn't allow his behaviors around me and my kids. Honestly I didn't want any of us to have ANY more memories of him in that state. Right now, he's sick. But this isn't the kind of sickness that I can help him with. He carries around a phone number in his wallet to a place that can help him. It's literally in the palm of his hand. Until he's the man I married and the dad that my children deserve, he's not welcome around us. Those are his consequences. Hopefully not permanent ones, but consequences none the less. I hate it for him. I hate it for us. I'm hurt by his actions, but the best thing I could do was to remove myself from the harm that he was dishing out. I'm not the slightest bit insecure over his mistress. If she doesn't prove how sick he is then I don't know what will. I have no reason to contact her. I have no issue with her - my issue is with my husband. This isn't me vs. her because quite frankly, we don't compare. It's apples to oranges. He chose to walk out of a financially stable, loving home with two beautiful children and a 10 year career at a job - to barely make ends meet with someone who sells her blood to make money, is significantly older, lived with her daughter in her daughters mobile home because she couldn't stand on her own two feet, and was selling Rx pills to him and acceptive of that lifestyle. Yeah - you go right ahead!

The mistress tried to attack my social media when my AH came back to seek treatment. Who did he come to when he wanted to get clean? When he thought he was sick and tired of being sick and tired? Me. Who will he come back to again when he's ready to get clean and get his life back? Me. I shut down all social media - facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, everything. It's not worth the stress of even having it. I don't miss it. It's not there for me to be sabotaged by and that's worth everything to me. Instead, I'm able to focus my attention on working my program and being the best me for myself and kids. Just shut it all down!

What's freeing is that whether he gets it together (as I hope and pray and beg God he will) or not - I'm off the crazy train.
So just for today....I've stepped away. Just for today.....It's not about him and what he is or isn't doing. Just for today.....I plan to take a hot bath tonight, enjoy my simple life and do the things that feed my soul. Just for today.....I will focus on my higher power and my relationship with Him. I will listen to my podcast with things that feed my soul, read my devotional that feeds my soul, come on this forum and read/post things that feed my soul, and then tuck my kids into bed and make sure they know how much I love them. I am not accountable for what my husband does or doesn't do but I am accountable for what I do. As long as my side of the street is clean then that's all I can do.

Fairy tale doesn't exist for anyone.

run5203
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Re: I just need some words of love and encouragement

Post by run5203 » Wed Jan 31, 2018 4:00 pm

Thank you. This is so helpful. Of course you are right. It is absurd to try and compare myself to this woman, which I have been endlessly doing for the past year or so.

If he had left me for a woman who in any way compared to me (and I just mean, plain old apple to apple, not better or worse), then maybe I would have a reason to wonder what was inferior about myself. But yes, trying to compare myself to her is just as crazy as the addict's crazy.

I can't stay up until all hours and do drugs with him. I can't go out and do crazy things on a whim. I have a job and a young child that need my attention. If partying is more important to him than a stable family life, then okay.

I can't shut down my social media unfortunately, as I use it for work :( But I do need to minimize looking at it. I have set privacy controls so nobody can post on my page without permission anymore, and I guess I need to have a look at my daughter's pages as well.

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Re: I just need some words of love and encouragement

Post by Sqbear42 » Wed Jan 31, 2018 10:54 pm

My dd was 2yrs old when I left her addicted father, she's now 30yrs and I never looked back nor had any regrets. Being unfaithful for me(then and now) was/is a deal breaker not even a boundary but a deal breaker for the relationship (addict or not) I deserved better and so did our daughter. The trust was over. I was DONE! I was already working 2 jobs, going to school so I was already a single parent. To my knowledge at that time I don't know if he was ever unfaithful, just being an addict and all that goes with that I was done.

I knew (even though she was 2yrs) that she was seeing, living, allowing her to be in the un-healthy relationship I was having with her dad. My loyalties lay with my child, what was I teaching her if I allowed her father to live with us and do the things he was doing? What kind of relationship was I teaching my dd to have in her future spouse? Did I want her to continue to live in MY fairy tell life ( 2 healthy happy parents with the white picket fence) NO!! I was being so selfish and not looking at with this was doing to my child.

I have a good friend who went through "the other women" situation for years. I said this to her:

You can no longer say "if you don't end the relationship(s) with the other women I was leaving" You have said those words for years it was time to ACT upon those words obviously he was no going to stop seeing the other women. Why did you keep thinking he would change? There was always going to be other women. Why are you allowing him to keep disrespecting you and your child? Co-dependency.

Sounds like your child is starting to "act out" her frustrations this may be her way of letting you know it's time for you to make a decision and DO something intstead of talking about doing something. Time to take ACTION!

Your choice, your child or your husband.

Nicole

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