Returning for my own sake

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Returning for my own sake

Post by Alliemo75 » Tue Jan 30, 2018 12:22 pm

Hello, I have been here on and off for several years, since I was 16 (now 23, so about 7 years). My brother was my primary ALO when I joined, so I stopped logging on when I went to college. I got married a year and a half ago and after becoming married, found out that my husband is dependent on alcohol. We didn't live together before marriage, so it wasn't until after I was living with him full-time that I realized his problem was as bad as it is. He started to get better, stopped using hard liquor (basically only drinking beer during a meal or right before bedtime), but relapsed into full and excessive use while in a custody battle (he says because of the stress of court). Because I take his drinking personally, I have seen a decline in my own mental health and I hope to return to being involved here in order to take care of myself.

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Re: Returning for my own sake

Post by MarieW » Tue Jan 30, 2018 1:03 pm

Welcome back. One of the reasons we call this a family disease is that patterns tend to repeat themselves.

Have you found a face to face meting (Nar-Anon or Al-Anon) in your area? It took me years of (badly) dealing with my son and husband to walk into these rooms, but it was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Keep coming back.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

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Re: Returning for my own sake

Post by jeanette » Tue Jan 30, 2018 5:13 pm

It was very hard for me to accept that my H's using wasn't personal. I felt like it meant I wasn't enough as a wife and even as a person.

But through my work and recovery here - I realized that his using and addiction had nothing to do with me - I could not love it out of him, I could not help him (no matter how I tried)

I didn't cause the addiction
I can't control the addiction
I can't cure the addiction

welcome to nar-anon - I hope you stick around
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

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Re: Returning for my own sake

Post by Lyra » Tue Jan 30, 2018 8:46 pm

It wasn't until I came to Naranon here in this forum and started attending all the meetings and reading all the posts that I realized something I had never realized before-I had dated a lot of addicts! My ex husband, various boyfriends as well as the ALO who brought me here were all addicts and/or people with other serious mental health problems. It was like a blindfold had been lifted from my eyes. When I finally saw it, it was so clear I couldn't understand how I didnt see it before. Neither of my parents are addicts, nor my sibling, my Mom grew up with an alcoholic father but we only saw him a couple times a year so I didnt understand how it was that I kept choosing people with addiction problems, but whatever the cause, there it was. After getting a sponsor and working the steps I began to realize that deep down inside, even though I did well in school, in work, in everything but romance, that I did not think I was worthy of happiness. I was, without realizing it, choosing to spend my time around people who were not happy or healthy. I was codependent with them-focusing on their problems instead of my own issues with self worth, and looking like a knight in shining armor. But I was miserable. Life with an addict I found eventually to be impossible. After several years of dedicated meetings, sponsor and step work I finally accepted that if I wanted peace and happiness I could not change, control or cure my addict and that I needed to leave my exABF. It was by far the best decision I have ever made in my entire life. I changed me. I took control of my life, and I cured my situation by making a decision for myself, to take care of myself. When I came here I hoped that my addict would stop using, would find recovery, would be nice to me. None of that happened but I finally started being nice to myself, stopped trying to change him, and found peace happiness and a great life in the process. None of it was easy but coming here and going to meetings, meeting all the people here who understand what we are going through, it saved my life and sanity. I hope you keep coming back, we all deserve happiness and peace of mind!

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