Pure annoyance

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Pure annoyance

Post by Cassyl88 » Mon Jan 29, 2018 11:08 pm

My fiancée has been clean and sober for a year and a half and I still do not feel grateful. His counselors told him I may prefer him messed up, during his rehab stints, so that he may forever be the scrape goat and the bird w the broken wing. Now he thinks they were right. This was totally false, but I did use his being under the influence as a reason why he was the way he was, why he said horrible things and why I felt so alone. A lot of his old habits still exist and now there is no excuse, so I may actually even like him less than I did before. He has improved in a lot of ways, with money and with our children, this just isnt enough for me. Now he always wants to be involved and has to go everywhere with me. He is not enjoyable to be around and I was so used to doing things alone with my children, that his tagging along just makes me want to scream. His constant comments, criticism, self centerness, big head, his talking about “being in his head” and religious banter make me insane.

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Re: Pure annoyance

Post by jeanette » Tue Jan 30, 2018 8:31 am

Cassy -

While he is doing his recovery - what are you doing? Meetings? Sponsor? Steps?

I had a lot of resentment, hurt, anger, sadness that I needed to address - not with my LO - but with others who actually understand. It was only in really getting that out and finding ways to heal that I could begin to have a relationship with him.
I also had to make a decision about the kind of relationship I wanted to be in and the kind of person I wanted to be with.

This was real work - don't think it isn't - it hurt emotionally but it has been so worth it as I have grown as a person - becoming someone I am happy to be!
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

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Re: Pure annoyance

Post by SDIN2T » Tue Jan 30, 2018 12:13 pm

I can only speak about my experience.

After some point, I realized I was just as sick, if not sicker, than my addicts. I knew at that point I had to work on me. I did this by working the 12 steps of Naranon with sponsors. It allowed me to get to the root of so many issues and character defects I had. One of the most important things I worked on was trying to lose my ego and understand how my behavior affected the dynamics of my relationships with my addicts, especially the relationship with my addicted wife.

And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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Re: Pure annoyance

Post by judyg » Tue Jan 30, 2018 12:52 pm

At some point I had to accept that the problem was me all along.


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Re: Pure annoyance

Post by Sqbear42 » Wed Jan 31, 2018 11:32 pm

Could it be that you're sick and tired of being sick and tired? Perfect time for change.


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Re: Pure annoyance

Post by roadrunner » Thu Feb 01, 2018 3:21 am

When alcoholics only do the first step - they are called "dry drunks" which can be worse. Meaning they only stopped drinking. I don't know but I imagine its the same for drug addicts - doing only the first step- just putting down the drug. Its only when you get into the other steps that real change takes place. I know for myself and my recovery, I can't just do the first step. I have to do all the steps.

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Re: Pure annoyance

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Thu Feb 01, 2018 10:59 am

One of the counselors at my AH's rehab facility, several months ago, led the family programs class. He had been in recovery for probably 40 years. He said that for the first 11 YEARS he was simply abstaining. Nothing else about him had changed, just that he was no longer doing the drugs/alcohol. After 11 years he began to really work his 12 step program and only then was he truly in recovery. Only then did he realize what it meant to not just abstain from the drugs/alcohol but to be free from all that had been weighing him down. That really stuck with me.

When I came home from that family programs class, my neighbor walked over and we chatted for a while. She's been in AA for approximately 35 years. She's witnessed the progression of addiction in our home and family. On a few occasions she's taken my husband with her to AA meetings. He knows the people at her home group. So she has some effort and energy invested into our circumstances - from an experience perspective, not necessarily to be nosy. We chatted for a while about what was happening. About my AH being in treatment. How she was hopeful but recognized the road and struggle ahead of us. But her comment to me was, "I know he's getting some help but what about you? What are you going to do? What help are you going to get?" OMG!!! I couldn't believe she was saying that to me. She thought I WAS THE CRAZY ONE. How could she? She had seen HIS rampages. She had witnessed HIS STUPIDITY, yet she thought I NEEDED HELP. I tried to hear her out but it took me weeks, if not months to grasp what she was saying. When she saw me bring my husband home from treatment much earlier than he should have been out, she was angry at me. Threw her hands up in the air and said what do you expect? I felt so torn. I knew allowing my AH to leave treatment and come home early wasn't what I had hoped for. He had signed himself out and unbeknownst to me I was his ride home. I was stuck in a bad spot that I never anticipated when I arrived to visit him four hours away from home at treatment. I try not to be too hard on myself, but after that moment it was clicking what she was saying. I did need help.

She said that in AA they jokingly talk about how those in Alanon are more sick than those in AA because we put up with the AA folks. She laughed about it, but she's right. So while my AH is off in addict-la-la land, I'm choosing to work my program for me. My AH is sick right now but I don't have to be. If I can work on me and become the best me that I can then perhaps I'll be better prepared for reconciliation and living with my RAH if that opportunity arises. Just for today I'm going to put it all down and focus on me and what I can do differently.

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Re: Pure annoyance

Post by DianeB » Thu Feb 01, 2018 12:32 pm

Perhaps it was never him.

I found that in working on my steps with my sponsor, I had just as many defects as I was pointing out in him.

It is never just one....I had to fix myself.

Might be a good place to start.

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