Walking away is so hard :(

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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snair
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Walking away is so hard :(

Post by snair » Mon Jan 29, 2018 10:33 pm

I'm new to this form... I've attended an Al anon meeting once while my partner was in rehab for cocaine addiction, but couldn't really connect with those in that particular meeting.

I just ended things with my partner (we're both 38 years old). He has 4 year old girls, and I have a 4 year old son. Our families were very connected which makes leaving even harder. It has been an emotional rollercoaster, especially over the last year. He is also bipolar and when we first started dating he was open about that - but not about his 23 year struggle with addictions. I love him, so when the drug use came to light after he went on a bender and lost control... I stayed. I felt so much empathy for him - he seemed to really want to beat it.

Through all of the lies, disappearing acts, drug use, and I suspect infidelity, I stood by his side. Even when he blamed me, and put me down, I never put him down, I never called him names, I never made him feel badly. I tried to understand that this wasn't really him... it was his disease, and I guess I was foolish enough to think I could help him "change" - help him beat this addiction - that he would see our life together was more important than the drugs. In August this past summer he finally showed up (high) asking for help. He had never accepted that this drug was stronger than him before, and finally agreed to go into private rehab (45 days). I was proud of him and felt hope again. I wrote him a letter for every day he was there, and visited him every sunday. When he came home he was wonderful. Caring, understanding, grounded, humbled, loving and present. But, then he got "busy" too busy to continue working on his sobriety, and a month and a half later he relapsed again. I felt betrayed this time. I felt angry, resentful, hurt. I wanted to be there for him - but I couldn't - so I took a couple of days to just take a pause. When I spoke to him again, I was again supportive. However, things never returned to the way they were after rehab. He remained distant and angry. his plans continuously changed, he no longer communicated and my trust rapidly disappeared. I still suspect he was using, he acts like he did when he was using. But he says it was only that 1 night. He has said I'm irrational.

Last week I found out I was pregnant. 3 days later, I started to miscarry (I suspect - I'm still waiting to see a doctor). I wanted another child... but not with an addict who isn't working on his sobriety and as a result doesn't treat me well - so this was a major mix of emotion - grief and relief. But more disappointment was his behaviour. He got angry with me and disappeared. So I ended it - for my own mental health - for my sons sake.

I haven't heard from him since... he hasn't checked in to see how I'm doing - or whether I've seen a doctor. It hurts. But I'm more afraid that I'll get sucked back in. I am too empathetic, and I do love him. I do see see a side of him that he seems to have a hard time seeing himself. I know this relationship is not healthy for me... so I'm here... because I'm afraid I guess... and I'm struggling.

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jeanette
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Re: Walking away is so hard :(

Post by jeanette » Tue Jan 30, 2018 8:23 am

welcome to nar-anon -

don't give up on face to face meetings - we recommend trying a specific meeting for at least 6 times so that you can really get a feel for the group. Attendance varies every week and you never know who will be there.

I am sorry about the miscarriage - and the loss of the relationship - it does hurt. For someone we love not to show and love and care about us when we are hurting - the hurt is even worse. We are here to listen, share our stories with you, and help you heal.

the toughest thing for me to accept was that the addiction had nothing to do with me - literally nothing to do with me - nothing I said, didn't say, did, didn't do - if he wanted to use he would use, without thought for me, other family, friends, work, or anything. Addiction is selfish.

we say a lot of things here - sometimes there are things I need to here - sometimes they are things that don't apply to me today (but they might someday!) - so here are two things I can say that really helped me:

I didn't cause the addiction
I can't control the addiction
I can't cure the addiction

I can love someone, but not like them
I can love them from afar
to preserve my life and happiness

Welcome - hope you stick around!
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love
Jeanette

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

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Ronni
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Re: Walking away is so hard :(

Post by Ronni » Tue Jan 30, 2018 9:23 am

One of the most difficult things for me to process with my son's addiction is that it wasn't personal. Look at my signature. Everything my RAS did was about HIM, and not me. He didn't do anything TO me though it felt like that most of the time. No, he didn't. He was always way too involved with his addiction to even think about me most of the time. And that hurt. But for my own sanity I HAD to stop taking his behavior personally, and really OWN the fact that he wasn't actually doing anything TO me, no matter how much it felt like.

Addicts are completely self-involved. Whatever happens outside their own zone is pretty much unreal, at least that's the way my son described things. That he said or did things that hurt me, while those things were unintentional, he also didn't much care because he just didn't have the emotional space to spare a thought for me and the effect his words and actions were having on me.

Detaching is difficult. I hope you continue to go to meetings of any kind. Here, or some kind of 12 step f2f meeting where you are, or preferably both. It will help you.
My son's addiction is something that happened TO HIM. It is NOT something he did TO ME.

Blue Sky
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Re: Walking away is so hard :(

Post by Blue Sky » Wed Jan 31, 2018 7:28 am

Good morning.
After 10 years of dealing with my AS (he says he is recovering) I have finally stepped off the roller coaster. I have moments of feeling sad, guilty and wishful but I bring myself back as quickly as possible to the facts, his behaviors. The facts keep me centered. I now take all that brain time and energy I spent on him, worrying, fixing, solving and hoping and focus on me and what's in my life that will bring peace and forward movement. I learned that when I focus on him my mind stays busy so I feel like I'm doing something worthwhile yet it really is a waste of time because I have no control over him. He is not speaking to me and part of me doesn't understand it but the other part totally accepts it and rejoices in the peace. I cannot change anyone and never could. I am focusing on figuring out what I want for myself, how I want to live, what I want in my life and where I will allow my brain to travel to. When it starts to veer off to things I can't control I bring it back to the present moment and find peace. I wish you and your son the gift of self love and abundant peace.

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