I'm sorry I've been absent...

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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I'm sorry I've been absent...

Post by jhelpmom » Mon Jan 29, 2018 10:58 am

Hello friends,
I'm sorry I only seem to reach out to you when in need. I haven't posted since November when I talked about my RAS taking on the night shift driving a local taxi. Since then he's been covering his rent (until this week), and food. He's not grocery shopping, but eating fast food on the road and it's showing. He's gained a lot of weight. We saw him several times over the holidays and he seemed happy and healthy. He still does, but he's told us things that are raising red flags for me. My husband seems content to accept at face value, but I've always been the one who suspects and then sadly is proven right. He told us his back pack was taken and never returned by a guy who got kicked out of the house. He told us 12 of his prescription pills (Rx for depression and anxiety) were stolen. He told us he's been going to less meetings because of the night shift (lazy excuse).
So we gave him an old back pack we had and told him to carry his Rx and valuables with him at all times. The house manager installed a camera outside his room for security. He got his physician to replace the missing pills so he wouldn't miss a dose.
We took him to his doctor for regular appt to refill meds, then to his therapist for a long overdue appt. All seems good. BUT- something's not adding up for me. This week for the first time, he said he wasn't on target to be able to pay the weekly rent of $170. He's working 60 hrs/wk at this @%&* job. Even at $6/hr., paying for his own gas there should be enough. He told me he worked 3 shifts in a row, thus staying up for over 24 hrs. to make it. That's dangerous. I'm afraid he'll get in trouble at the wheel with no sleep. I'm afraid he's in trouble and typically not asking for help, thus getting deeper. He told us he bought a new door knob and lock (poor choice of spending money) to secure his possessions. The house manager could kick him out for that, and it speaks to secretive behavior. He didn't discuss with us or house manager first. We could have given him a lock that we already had if it had been approved, but he never asks for help. I told him to speak to his house manager. I did not offer him money. I'm trying to not spin out of control worrying, and that's what brought me back to you. I need some strength and support, and I'm sorry I only seem to vent when things are unsettled. I reminded him that if he gets kicked out of the house he has no other options. Also, this week he went to the wake of a housemate who died from an overdose. We spoke to him prior to going. He's very sensitive. Wakes are not part of our culture, so we told him what to expect and that he didn't have to go in the room if he didn't want to. He could sign the guest book and stand respectfully out in the hall. He said he'd be fine and that the whole house was going. I was trying to protect him again. My 2 biggest worries/ fears are that he'll relapse (always the elephant in the room) and that he'll lose his room in this house. I love his house manager. They're all recovering addicts, and he and his partner have built a great social network. They have house meetings, go to NA meetings, and live a sober life while teaching the guys they can have fun sober. They have picnics in warmer weather, play basketball, etc.
Thank you for reading, as always.

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Re: I'm sorry I've been absent...

Post by Gerilyn » Mon Jan 29, 2018 10:26 pm

Your post hit home for me. Often, an addict exhibits addict behavior before they actually pick up again. It could be subtle. But as a parent, especially a mother, we notice these little changes. And they scare us. After noticing several we start building our case.

I recently went through this and yes, my daughter eventually did relapse. I knew it was coming. But we can’t stop it from happening. It’s like watching an accident in slow motion knowing you can’t stop it.

It hurts terribly to know at any moment their world can come crashing down on them. We want to help them before it happens. My daughter (I think) only relapsed for a short time, but I’m not sure. In that short time she did a lot of personal destruction. She told me that nothing I would’ve said or done could’ve helped change her relapse. She’s right. I just had to concentrate on my program. On the lessons I learned over the years. But it still brought me to my knees in sadness. It always will.

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Re: I'm sorry I've been absent...

Post by MarieW » Tue Jan 30, 2018 12:57 pm

Welcome back. You said:
I was trying to protect him again. My 2 biggest worries/ fears are that he'll relapse (always the elephant in the room) and that he'll lose his room in this house.
I don't just fear my son will eventually relapse, I pretty much count in it. It is part of the disease. He is only 25 and has a life time of fighting ahead of him. Maybe he will never use again, but since I tend to live my life based on what is most likely (not what I wish to happen or what I fear), I have to be realistic.

My son has been asked to leave many sober living homes. Some were good, some not. Sometimes he's found another house, or got arrested, or lived on the street for awhile. The thing is, he survived it all and so did I. Each set back taught him and me a lesson. Each time I detached a little more and let him find his own way out of his mess.

It is not easy or fun. I slip back into old patterns very easily. Just the other day I drove an hour out of my way to help him cash a paycheck since he lost his ID and ATM card AGAIN. But mostly I stay out of his business and let him handle things. I have enough going on in my own life that needs my attention.

Keep coming back. The best thing I can do for my son is work the program I wish he was working.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

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