The Difficulty in Accepting My HP's Plan

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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The Difficulty in Accepting My HP's Plan

Post by SDIN2T » Tue Jan 23, 2018 1:15 pm

It’s taken me awhile to accept my powerlessness this past week. While visiting my wonderful mother in law in the mid-west, I was around my addicted wife a bit too much and that crazy train was always waiting for me to step on. I resisted until we showed up at the airport 15 minutes before take off. Kinda lost it at that point because the situation was avoidable except when dealing with addicted behavior.

While gone from home, I got a message from very dear longtime friends. We’ve known the husband and wife over 20 years. They have 2 sons and their youngest is the same age as my oldest son, and they were best friends for years. We live in the same neighborhood, went to the same schools and church, and socialized together. As the kids got older and we moved away from the neighborhood, we saw less of each other, but still managed to stay in touch and get together a few times a year.

Unfortunately, their oldest son suffered from addiction and, like all of us, they did everything they could to get him into recovery, but we know that is impossible.

I’ve actually written about these friends on the forum. Awhile back someone was asking about how you feel when you see your kid begging on a street corner. I didn’t have a personal experience, but my friend told me about seeing his son begging on a street corner, homeless and suffering from addiction. He told me how it broke his heart, but he knew he couldn’t change him.

I wrote another time about these people where I hadn’t been to my Tuesday F2F meeting for a while, and showed up after several weeks, and they were sitting at the table. It was a surprise, but I knew they were there because of their son, but they didn’t know why I was there. We talked after the meeting and I admitted my 2 oldest sons we suffering from addiction. As we held each other crying, I knew she was crying for my sons as much as hers, she could make that connection. It took me a while to tell her that my wife, one of her best friends over 20 years also was suffering from addiction. More crying.

Since running into them at a meeting, they had been to our house a couple times for a graduation and birthday. We never mentioned being in F2F meetings together for a few months, but our eyes told the story.

After I responded to the message my friend sent, and after a few phone tags, he told me his youngest son, who I’ve known since he was 4 years old, my son’s best friend had died. He was 27 years old. My wife and I spent a few hours with them last night. I didn’t know their youngest also suffered from addiction. He had been through a few rehabs, in recovery a few times, but we all know how fragile recovery is. He died homeless, alone on a cold night.

This could have been my son, your son, or daughter, or any one of our loved ones that suffer from addiction. It shakes my faith in my HP and we are to trust in a plan we don’t understand. I know I am powerless over this and I know I have to accept the reality. But addiction sure does suck.
Sorry this is so long, but I had to get it out, and I have no place other than here until I can get to a meeting. Thanks for listening.

And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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Re: The Difficulty in Accepting My HP's Plan

Post by hope4today » Tue Jan 23, 2018 3:39 pm

I am so sorry another young life has been lost to addiction.

I do understand how this can shake ones faith. I lean on Jeremiah 29:11 and Proverbs 3:5-6 in times of need.

May you continue to grow strong in your recovery, one day at a time.

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Re: The Difficulty in Accepting My HP's Plan

Post by simplemom » Tue Jan 23, 2018 5:51 pm

I had to take many deep breaths reading this.

And in doing so I thought about the choices we have and those of the addict.

I cannot attempt to make sense the power of addiction has over people, particularly with our loved ones. It hits me hard in my gut and has brought me to my knees. The hard cold truth is, I choose life....and do my best to make it serene in the face of addiction.

I have chosen to keep love and compassion in the forefront....fighting constantly fear, anger, and utter despair. I choose to accept God's plan...I am not at all powerful.

We are not alone....we are here for you. I pray for your friend's son and family.

I pray that perhaps this awful tragedy will shed some sense of recovery for your wife and sons. God works in mysterious ways.

Keep the faith.
Karen (simplemom)
"I am not afraid of storms, I am learning to sail my own ship."
Louise May Alcott

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Re: The Difficulty in Accepting My HP's Plan

Post by Wisteria » Tue Jan 23, 2018 6:04 pm

Losing a child must bring unimaginable pain.
I'm so sorry and pray for the heaviness in your hearts to lighten

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Re: The Difficulty in Accepting My HP's Plan

Post by flash » Tue Jan 23, 2018 6:26 pm

It is very difficult to accept that part of the plan is the death of young people.
Almost impossible to fathom.
This disease sucks as does all childhood diseases.
I am reminded every summer when I work at a camp for terminally ill children that suffering knows no boundaries when it comes to children.
Sick from addiction or cancer or any other disease, the question why has to be asked.
Keeping faith with no answers is challenging at the least.
I am so sorry for the loss of your friends. I say prayers daily for all those suffering from this disease and their loved ones.
Prayers to you and your friends.
Love Donna

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Re: The Difficulty in Accepting My HP's Plan

Post by endoftheroad » Tue Jan 23, 2018 8:16 pm

JR, so much love to you all......this disease and all of its ugliness is the great tragedy of our youth right now.

We might even say that the ramifications are a plague or a famine. So, what does a loving HP mean to me in terms of this human suffering. I believe that when great tragedy happens to us in our lives that God weeps with us. I could go on and on about the fragility of the human condition, but that's for another time. But I truly believe that great suffering is out of "God's" hands.

I have learned not to hold the Divine hostage to my expectations. That's a mouthful. I live with my son's absense 24/7, unable to find him, knowing through others that he is wrecked to the hilt. Where does it end after 8 years of hard using and a few times of sobriety. I know where it ends and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

When I pray for clarity or for God's plan, I can only ask about myself. Sometimes, there is very little comfort in saying that my son has his HP. I can only try to put together what the Divine Intention is for me. And many times, I have little notion. It gets pretty basic here: stay healthy, be kind, help others if they want it and keep love at the front of my life. Just what I would pray for any of my 3 adult children. 2 of them get this really well, and the other......well, I just don't know anymore. Addiction turns our kids into people we really don't know. So very sad.

Keep the faith in your program for you, as truly most days, it is all we have, and it can be enough. You help us all so much here! You are a very brave man living in a war zone. And you are in my prayers everyday. ox Susan
This is the easier softer way.....

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Re: The Difficulty in Accepting My HP's Plan

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Wed Jan 24, 2018 12:26 am

I’m so sorry to hear of the loss your family and friends are experiencing. The loss of life is such a hard thing to understand but especially when it involves young people. Not addiction related but two years ago my kids and I were witness to a little 3 year old that drowned in the pool right beside us. I had no idea in our moment of happiness that something so tragic was happening an arms length away. I analyzed it, went through much counseling, questioned could this have happened to such an innocent life? I’m a woman of faith but this was an instance where I was shaken. I’ve learned that when God calls us home it’s time to go. It doesn’t matter our age or circumstances. Gods plan doesn’t always give us happiness. We endure tragedy as part of his plan - because if we believe in a higher power and potentially eternal life (as Christians) then we know in heaven we are made illness, no addiction, no drowning or dying... our circumstances on earth, no matter how difficult, are a mere journey to a higher place. When God calls us home then it’s our time - 3 year old at the pool or 27 struggling with addiction.

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Re: The Difficulty in Accepting My HP's Plan

Post by Ma1954 » Wed Jan 24, 2018 1:54 am

Thank you all for sharing. I am so sorry for the death of another person from this illness. I do also think of addiction as the plague of our times. I said this to my doctor when discussing my AS and he said to try to be positive. It's very hard. I try but I don't do such a good job. Saint Augustine said, during the Roman persecution, "I searched whence evil came and I could find no solution." HP is in control of everything but sometimes it's hard to understand. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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Re: The Difficulty in Accepting My HP's Plan

Post by LKSG8R » Wed Jan 24, 2018 6:56 am


I am saddened that addiction has claimed yet another life. I will never accept that your friend's son's death was a part of his HP's plan. Except to say that our collective HP has allowed us free will. Just as we cannot control our addicts, or anyone else for that matter, neither can our HP control us. Once again, it's all about Step 1. Powerlessness has enabled our world to become unmanageable. It's up to each of us to accept that we need spiritual guidance.

Unfortunately, so many people are looking for that guidance through non-spiritual means: money, substances, sex, gaming. Anything that doesn't require deep thought and provides immediate gratification. This is just my opinion, but I think that our HP is extremely good at practicing detachment. He (she) loves us deeply, but stays back and allows us to live our lives. For better or worse.

Prayers for your friends family and for yours.
Trying to be the person my dog thinks I am.

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Re: The Difficulty in Accepting My HP's Plan

Post by Blue Sky » Wed Jan 24, 2018 7:38 am

I am sending you a hug and "being" with you surrounding you in loving energy. Peace, Colleen

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Re: The Difficulty in Accepting My HP's Plan

Post by Ronni » Wed Jan 24, 2018 9:46 am

Hey JP. I've written here before about my complicated relationship with my Higher Power. It was a long time before I could even concede that any kind of Higher Power was even a possibility, let alone that a relationship existed or could exist between us.
This could have been my son, your son, or daughter, or any one of our loved ones that suffer from addiction. It shakes my faith in my HP and we are to trust in a plan we don’t understand. I know I am powerless over this and I know I have to accept the reality. But addiction sure does suck.
It's this exact kind of thing that keeps me questioning. I still have more questions than answers, though I have at least gotten some of my many questions answered.

I want to share this next thing...please, PLEASE understand I don't mean to be flippant or disrespectful, but it's part of what led me to a bit more acceptance and sorted out a couple things in my relationship with my HP.

There's an old joke about some dude stranded on his roof after a flood, and how he prayed to God for help. A rowboat, motorboat and helicopter all came by to rescue him but the guy insisted God would save him, he had faith. Ultimately he drowned and went to heaven and exclaimed to God that he wasn't saved, God let him down and he drowned. God's response was “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a rowboat. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”

In a weird kind of way, this helped me to a better understanding even though it's just a joke. Because it illustrates in a humorous way my own thoughts and opinions about MY ability to help myself, to not have to rely on any outside person or entity or thing, that the only person *I* can control is ME, that I alone am responsible for my choices. And even more than that, there's an aspect to my relationship with my HP (and it's a complicated one and I'm still sorting through way more than I currently understand) that leads me to believe that there are signs all along the journey of my life, and that paying attention to those signs (some people call it listening to their gut)and acting on them is all part of my journey.

For too long I ignored the signs sent my way...and this is long before addiction took a hold of my life. I just ignored them, figuring I was being paranoid, or I was reading too much into a situation, or was being way too sensitive or whatever. I don't do that any more. I just listen and watch and pay attention, and read the signs as best I can.

I don't know why your friend's kid died. I couldn't begin to interpret the dynamics at play. It's a sad, wretched situation and I'm very, very sorry.
My son's addiction is something that happened TO HIM. It is NOT something he did TO ME.

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Re: The Difficulty in Accepting My HP's Plan

Post by DeanW » Wed Jan 24, 2018 10:09 am

Thought of your post so much since I read it. I dunno, I have trouble with the same thing. Condolences to you and your family in this loss and may your dear friends find some peace in some way. Hugs...

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Re: The Difficulty in Accepting My HP's Plan

Post by grateful » Wed Jan 24, 2018 2:46 pm

Sometimes, the grief I feel as a parent can't be put into words because there are none. So, please know that I am feeling with you the grief that no parent can ever totally resolve and the empathy that all parents feel for their sick or dying children. That grief binds us together in ways none of us would have chosen but must face anyway and together we hold each other up as we limp together down a road we must travel.
Seek beauty

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Re: The Difficulty in Accepting My HP's Plan

Post by vscook » Wed Jan 24, 2018 8:21 pm

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend's son. No parent should outlive their child. It is just too heartbreaking - whether due to addiction, illness, accident, or whatever. You just never expect it and can never be prepared for it. I don't try to understand God's plan - it is obviously beyond my understanding. But I am holding you, your friend, and his family in my heart.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

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Re: The Difficulty in Accepting My HP's Plan

Post by MATT'S MOM » Wed Jan 24, 2018 8:42 pm

Holding you and your family, and friends close... This disease is horrible.

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