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A Choice I Made For ME

Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 12:20 pm
by lbogie
Can you imagine? I actually made a choice for ME! And I don't even feel guilty about it. Boundaries are for MY protection and it's ok to take care of ME. Took a long time to get to this point and sometimes I do "flail" but I know it is imperative for me to take care of ME!

It's not always "easy" or possible as I am a caregiver for my Husband who is battling 2 life threatening illnesses. He is on 3 month surveillance for recurrences or mets and we are returning to Philadelphia for at least 4 days next week. HP willing, we will be coming home without "incident/s"

I worry about him but there again, things I can not control. ugh.......................

Son has been in jail since last November and we didn't get to visit him until this November and December. My Husband went in addition to those times once with our oldest Son who was home for Thanksgiving.

Hubs wanted to go see him again before he goes back for more testing etc....... I chose not to go today!
For no other particular reason than I just didn't "feel" like it. Sound terrible? Maybe? But I know I need to do what is right for me at this given moment. I don't know that my Husband understands or "agrees" but it's my choice.

Of course, I asked him first if he thought he could handle going by himself and he said yes so.......................
He's there! I'm here! I also have boundaries in place that the phone calls I set up are going to Hubs' phone. I'm just not ready to have my phone ring every 4 days to chat. Sounds harsh but I'm just not ready for that...... He does call my Hubs every 4 days like clockwork and last night we were both in bed (him sleeping and me reading). His phone rang at 7pm. I turned the phone off after that. Hubs had 5 missed calls and he tried to call my phone as well.

I chose not to go because it has been a HE77ISH several (decades) years and most recently with Hubs' illness, life has been a whirlwind of emotions and stress and running here and there. I am tired!! I do not know what is around the bend as we return on Sunday for about 7 dr appts. and testing. I know my Husband is coughing alot..............He refuses to go see about it until we return next week. I've been trying to get him to go since October. sigh..................... Again, can't make someone do something they do not want to do. Hard to give up that control.....................Cancer and other serious illnesses, aging Parents, and our dealing with them is very much like dealing with our ALOs.

We are both in Therapy and I do have a Sponsor but I know I need to be heard and that is why I keep coming back here where everyone listens, you care, you understand and it just works for me.

So? I'm pretty pleased with myself that I didn't break down and "go anyway". I put ME 1st today. One day at a time.
Thank you for letting me share.
Happy and Healthy New Year to All!

Re: A Choice I Made For ME

Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 12:33 pm
by grateful
So much on your plate and so willing to do what you need to do for you. Thank you for the share and your example of recovery in process.

One of the most difficult challenges I faced in recovery was the challenge of putting my HP, then me, and then others in proper priority. Fortunately, I had a masterful sponsor who met with me daily via email and weekly by phone who helped me practice self care first and other care second. Made all the difference in the world although that committee in my head told me how wrong I was to give to my own needs first.

Your thread helps to remind me that no matter what is going on, it is imperative for me to put myself on the list of people who need presence & care.

Re: A Choice I Made For ME

Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 1:41 pm
by MissingHim2016

Re: A Choice I Made For ME

Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 3:27 pm
by DeanW
I read this several times. So impressed with you. I am not sure I will ever have that much clarity to know what I really need. Hoping these tests are positive - Hugs...

Re: A Choice I Made For ME

Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 6:24 pm
by vscook
Yay for you! Your post made me smile :)

Re: A Choice I Made For ME

Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 8:11 pm
by 1mtnluvngranny
Thanks for sharing....I so needed to hear you. being told I am loved and hated many times today via phone....I am setting limits and not accepting any more calls today. I am going to take care of my husband and myself and be there for her mother....without guilt. She is in a care facility, we are in day to day life.

Re: A Choice I Made For ME

Posted: Thu Jan 04, 2018 2:32 am
by hopefulNE
Yes you are heard.
So much on your plate. Hope you were able to have a peaceful day today.

Re: A Choice I Made For ME

Posted: Thu Jan 04, 2018 3:01 am
by endoftheroad
I think that if I listen very closely, maybe in my waking hours, or maybe in a 5 minute meditation, I know exactly how to put myself first.
It is an act of filling up really. By so much giving, especially to the ones who we are with as soulmates, it is really critical to "fill up."
I would do exactly as you did. And I do not feel I owe my husband an explanation as to why I cannot or will not do something that stretches me.
Your fella knows how much you adore him. I feel it every time I read your posts!
Hurrah for you, hurrah for love of ourselves and hurrah for having the choice. ox Susan

Re: A Choice I Made For ME

Posted: Thu Jan 04, 2018 7:33 am
by Ma1954
I hope your husband is okay and I give you credit for not taking the phone calls. I have been at my son's' beck and call' lately, mostly because of my guilt and the very cold weather. I went to see him yesterday. And I always get used for something. I gave him info on the towns social services and told him to call. Then I went to the dentist. After two hours of torture and so much novacaine I think it numbed my brain. He called and asked if I would come there and take some more of his stuff. I freaked out and told him no. I actually said no. It felt good. I'm real tired too! Got to work on my boundaries. Hugs for all of the things you have to do. Sue

Re: A Choice I Made For ME

Posted: Thu Jan 04, 2018 9:12 am
by flash
I love that you are taking care of you.
I have been listening to a meditation lately that repeats "I love you - I am listening"
It is a mantra to ourselves.
It isn't often we show ourselves the love that we show others (at least I know it's not for me and I know what a caregiver you are)
Sending love and healing light to your husband. May you have a positive experience and good results.
Love you.