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Did I do the right thing?

Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 12:42 am
by Jw103
My boyfriends sister and her family live with us. They are in rehab and going to many appointments and meetings.
Today my boyfriend was supposed to pick up the boys from school while the parents were in meetings. He used last night and was still using and drinking today. All day he was an incoherent night mare yelling at me and I admit I reacted poorly and cried, yelled and got mad too.
When he told me to figure out what to do with the kids I did the only thing I could think of. I called his mom and asked to speak to his sister. She has no phone but I knew she would be at his moms between appointments.
I asked her to make sure I was on the list to pick up and also give me directions.
His family is not stupid and are worried about him too. Th y knew why he couldn’t pick up the kids without me telling them.
In talking with his sister I was concerned about the boys seeing my boyfriend like this, they adore their uncle. So I took the kids to his moms instead of Home after pick up.
I came back home to see my boyfriend who is now livid and swears he can’t trust me and I make him look bad to his family and our issues should be private. He also tells me I don’t try to help him and all I had to do was talk him down and be a support love caring girlfriend. I now made things worse for him and he basically hates me.

I don’t know if I did the right thing but I was truly thinking about the kids. The older one already saw him on a bad day and said he scared him. They also see comment about how he’s always up all night. I just couldn’t let them see him like that even though my bf swears he would have been fine with them.
I don’t know if I did the right thing, it may have cost me my relationship.

Re: Did I do the right thing?

Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 2:43 am
by Suejan
In circumstances like this- there was no choice I could have made that would have made my ALO happy. I never had the exact same scenerio- BUT you made sure the kids were safe and isnt that the most important thing? I used to expect. I guess, for my ALO go see sense and be reasonable, but What I read on here several years ago saved my sanity. If you saw someone clearly not sober on the street would you expect them to listen to reason and be sensible? I wouldn't even try- it would be insanity- ans yet I did it over and over again with my ALO expecting a different outcome! Not too smart on my behalf either!
In my experience- there is no way to do the right thing in your ALO’s eyes. You are worried about the repercussions in your relationship- but it is going to suffer again and again as long as drugs are in play.
This will he a blip in your relationship drama- but you did right by those innocent kids:)

Re: Did I do the right thing?

Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 3:50 am
by hope1
There is no right or wrong, good guys or bad guys, We are all on the same merry go round spinning around until someone gets off. Love can't cure this disease, none of us would be here if that was the case. My AD used to drag me into her drama when she was using as well telling me i didnt understand, i didnt listen, i didnt know what it was like, she wasnt that bad, if only.......She was partially right, i didnt know what it was like for her but i tried again and again to rescue her and protect her from the consequences. It didnt work until she was finally given the gift of desperation as was i. I had to learn to stay on my side of the street and place my faith in my higher power that he could , i couldnt. Minor children have no power in a situation therefore i will always err on the side of caution each and every time to protect them the best way that i can irregardless of who is upset by it. Denial is huge and allows this disease to grow. Today, i focus on living in the present with acceptance of reality.

Re: Did I do the right thing?

Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 11:09 am
by vscook
It is not your "job" to protect or cover-up for your ABF. He is an adult who made his own choices and must live with the consequences. You did what you thought was right for the children involved. They did not sign up to ride the crazy train. Keep coming back!

Re: Did I do the right thing?

Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 11:56 am
by grateful
The disease flourishes in secrecy. It wants to maintain status quo. It (the disease) will do what it takes to get others to give into its demands to keep things secret & keep things the same so it can keep on doing what it does. It is a cunning, baffling, powerful disease that uses charm, confusion, gaslighting, guilt, bullying, threats and drama to survive. Its difficult not to take the disease's wily ways personally, but it is possible with meetings, the support of the fellowship and the tools of the program to remain true to yourself and do the next right thing to protect yourself and defenseless children.

Re: Did I do the right thing?

Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 12:27 pm
by lbogie
Welcome and Keep coming back for YOU. There is much to learn and tons of support from loving people who truly understand!
There is no right or wrong way of working the Program. I would have done the same thing!
As others have mentioned, when Children are involved, it's a whole other situation. Safety first!
Sorry you are smack in the middle of it.
Keep coming back.
Hugs,
Lois

Re: Did I do the right thing?

Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 12:51 pm
by Jw103
Thank you for all the input and support.
I really think my biggest problem is I am taking things too personally and trying to continue to help him maintain secrecy. It’s not helping either of us.
I also need to start taking care of myself first. I love him so much but I’m letting this disease ruin both of us.
If we are meant to be we will get through this.

Re: Did I do the right thing?

Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 1:27 pm
by lbogie
Welcome and Keep coming back for YOU. There is much to learn and tons of support from loving people who truly understand!
There is no right or wrong way of working the Program. I would have done the same thing!
As others have mentioned, when Children are involved, it's a whole other situation. Safety first!
Sorry you are smack in the middle of it.
Keep coming back.
Hugs,
Lois

Re: Did I do the right thing?

Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 3:16 pm
by DonnaMc
My son used to get very upset with me whenever I didn't cover for him or if I would talk to family members/friends about the hell I was going through. I would tell him, and still do, if you are ashamed or embarrassed to have people find out what you are doing (and this is in regard to everything, not just drug/alcohol use), then maybe you shouldn't be doing it.

I appreciate the "Anon" part of NarAnon and AA. I don't go out and rent billboards on highways announcing my son's addictions, but, I have the right to my own physical/mental health. I no longer assist him by covering up his behavior. I do not live close to him anymore but, he still sees my in laws on the holidays. If he's shaking from the DT's when he gets there, that's for him to explain.

Peace,

Donna Mc

Re: Did I do the right thing?

Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 10:25 pm
by Jw103
Just wanted to share a little positive news. Yesterday I must of shaken something loose in my bf.
While he was very angry last night he did eat and slept for about 14 hours. Considering he hasn’t slept in days that was good. When he woke up he admitted that what I did was right. We had a civil conversation and though he is embarrassed he does know that I chose best for the kids.
We still have a long way to go and a lot to work on but this is the most hopeful thing to happen in months. I truly hope it was a wake up call.