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have wisdom about what is 'fair'

Posted: Tue Jan 02, 2018 5:25 am
by YouKnowSSS
I just don't know what is 'fair' anymore in relation to the ALO.

does anyone have any suggestions on how to stabilize the loving communications between myself and the ALO?

Re: have wisdom about what is 'fair'

Posted: Tue Jan 02, 2018 11:32 am
I don't really know what "loving communication" is. Perhaps it means something different for me compared to you. But what I know from my situation having an AW and 2 AS's is that I carried so much anger, resentment, guilt, disappointment, _________ <-- fill in blank, that I could not have any rational communication with my addicts until I released all those negative feelings. Wasn't easy and they still show up occasionally, but less frequently now compared to the past.

What worked for me was accepting I was powerless over my addicts. Accepting all the bad feelings were due to my ego thinking I had the ability to control them. When my addicts didn't respond to my attempt at control I got angry and the resentment motivated my behavior and I started treating them like crap. Which of course I could justify because I was treated like crap due to the addiction. But this program allowed me to understand my own serenity was being blocked by my negative emotions and attitude.

After a lot of work, I was able to finally accept my addicts for who they are and where they are in their lives. I had to surrender my will to control over to my HP and live my life on my HP's terms. I accepted my addicts have their own HP even if they don't realize it, and their HP has my addicts where they need to be even if I don't agree.

The bottom line is my anger and resentment was killing me and preventing me from having my definition of "loving communication" with my addicts. JFT I can talk to my AW and AS's with acceptance, powerlessness, compassion and love.


Re: have wisdom about what is 'fair'

Posted: Tue Jan 02, 2018 11:46 am
by Claytonmomof2
Lately I've tried to take the approach of "if you don't have anything nice to say than don't say anything at all" and so I haven't said much. :lol: It seems to help me. I'm not sure if it's good for me to bottle it up inside like this. I try to vent my negativity and frustrations through different outlets and to people that can love me and understand me through this. I believe in my near future there will come a time when my AH and I can sit down and have a healthy conversation when we try to reconcile through the damage of this year. Looking back over the years I responded so negatively to circumstances and said things that I never should have said. Things that I felt were justified because I was so hurt, but did more damage than good. I can't get those comments back just as my addict can't take his behaviors back. What's done is done. But I can control, as I move forward, a more healthy approach. I've just been very quiet lately as I try to figure myself out and figure out my next right move. The silence and quietness stirs up a lot in my AH - he doesn't know what to think or how to handle it because he's not use to that. I think it's good for him to wonder how I feel for a change :) It's actually caused him to reminisce and reach out instead of vice versa.

Re: have wisdom about what is 'fair'

Posted: Tue Jan 02, 2018 12:07 pm
by vscook
One saying used here that helps a lot is: Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don't say it mean.

Re: have wisdom about what is 'fair'

Posted: Tue Jan 02, 2018 12:45 pm
by grateful
Recovery is a process. One day at a time I learned ways to interact with others that helped me feel good about me by utilizing all the tools of the program. I also learned that I couldn't have loving communication with a person who didn't love themselves or wanted to hang on to their way of coping. I stopped trying with them and utilized more of my energy with people who did love themselves and could communicate with me in ways that worked for both of us. Sometimes, the active A moved on when I did what worked for me and sometimes they made changes. Regardless of what they did or didn't do, I grew with the help of the recovery tools slowly yet certainly.

Re: have wisdom about what is 'fair'

Posted: Tue Jan 02, 2018 2:40 pm
by MarieW
The answers to all my questions regarding my ALO's come from me going to meetings, working my program, setting up healthy boundaries and keeping the focus on me. Simple, but certainly not easy.

Keep coming back.

Re: have wisdom about what is 'fair'

Posted: Tue Jan 09, 2018 11:50 am
by YouKnowSSS
thanks to all who responded.

yes, I heard you on focusing on me. and not getting into controlling their program/addiction.