Page 1 of 1
A true Newbie; what attitudes work best?
Posted: Mon Jan 01, 2018 10:46 pm
December 8th our 20 yo AD got a DUI for drug influence. She said it was only for pot and xanax but soon after confessed she's been heavily involved in heroine and meth for a couple months. She said she wanted rehab and we set up intake, but then she took off for about 4 days and it wasn't until we turned her phone off that she came home. She'd been in detox with a great attitude for around 10 days and got a 4-hour leave for Christmas. We dropped her off and went to relatives only to get called that she was being kicked out for using (they had no dr because it was Christmas). I picked her up and she was viciously unpleasant, ranting, raving and crying. The next day the detox was ready to re-admit but wanted her to tell them what she was on so I gave her my phone. 5 minutes later she was gone. I checked her/my calls online and called the last number she called and it was clearly not a friend. Minutes later she finally called and later was ripped that I'd called her dealer and said he could easily take violent offense. We finally got her back to detox the next day but clearly she was high again. Before we were fully behind her especially because she fessed up so readily that she needed help. We know she's not herself on drugs and even not on drugs at the moment (just wanting the drugs) but there has to be a point where we verbally let her know that her behavior was completely unacceptable. Any day now she'll be able to call home and I'm literally dumbfounded what to say to her. She absolutely ruined the holidays, but that's the least of it. She's extremely sensitive to our disapproval so I think even saying a little will go a long way. We've made it clear we support her but will not support her using drugs and that includes living here or having her phone working. But what attitude is best for these next few phone calls when I'm still absolutely livid with her. I'm afraid of "triggering" her by letting her know how we feel. I can't imagine she doesn't feel shame but she never apologized for taking off for 4 days either when we were wracked with concern and anxiety. What has been your experience in communicating at this stage? After detox she'll go inpatient.
Re: A true Newbie; what attitudes work best?
Posted: Mon Jan 01, 2018 11:11 pm
My ALO is my husband. When he was in rehab I took the approach of being fully supportive. I didn't want to bring up any negative, any disapproval...just thankful and happy he was there. I overly tried to comfort him and give him a lot of hope and encouragement and things to look forward to. I also had high expectations for him, for us, and what post-rehab would look like. That was contagious to our children. They didn't understand what was happening but they knew that daddy was somewhere to get help in making better choices so that we can all be happy again, together. He left rehab half way through the 41 day program and immediately went back to his old ways. He had said that he was in rehab for the kids and I which is probably part of the issue, although it sounded nice. My disapproval has mattered very little to my AH in recent years, so luckily for you as her parents you do have that tool in your tool box.
Prayerfully, he will find his way back to rehab again. When he does, I don't know that I will communicate all the negative/disapprovals that I feel towards him but I certainly won't overly try to comfort him and encourage him. Because at this point, that's not how I feel. I will also not involve the kids with rehab again. They don't deserve to have their hopes built up and then crushed as we did last time. I have slim to non expectations from him, although I'm hopeful. I was so burned with rehab last time...
While he was there I tried to fix everything at home in preparation for his return. I didn't want him to have any triggers at home. I even had his truck (which he had wrecked a few weeks prior to rehab) completely repaired while he was away. It didn't matter. Maybe if he had truly worked the program and came home trying then those efforts I had made would have helped. I don't know. He wasn't ready to commit.
Rehab is a great thing and that your AD is in detox/rehab is encouraging. I'm hopeful that my AH will find his way back to rehab as well. These were just my experiences with my AH's first "go" at it. Hugs to you!
Re: A true Newbie; what attitudes work best?
Posted: Mon Jan 01, 2018 11:24 pm
Welcome to the forum. Everyone here is dealing with the issues of having an addicted loved one. My ALO is my 23 year old daughter. She went into detox last year, but walked out of inpatient rehab. She came home and started outpatient rehab, but relapsed after several months. One thing you will learn is that nothing you did or did not do caused your daughters addiction. You cannot do your daughters program for her. She has to truly want to do it for herself. If her inpatient facility has a family program, do your best to attend. Addiction is a lifelong disease that affects the whole family. The more you know about it, the better prepared you will be to deal with it.