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Need direction--I am new here

Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2017 1:17 pm
by run5203
Hello. I am sure my story is familiar to a lot of you. I have been reading up on this board and wanted to share my situation. I feel very lost, and not sure what to do.

I have been with my husband for 18 years. Long story short there has been extreme betrayal (infidelity like you would not believe), meth use, other drugs (pot, recreational viagra), physical and emotional abuse, money issues, he's wrecked two cars, been arrested, etc. I finally had him move out.

When do you know it is okay to let him move in again?

What conditions do you put on someone who is now telling you that they are clean, and--indeed--that they never were a "serious" user to begin with?

How do you put conditions on sexual fidelity besides saying "I won't be with you if you cheat on me?"

How do you deal with a 4th grade child who is upset and doesn't understand why her father keeps coming and going?

How do you put together a relationship recovery plan that works for both you and the addict?

How do you manage finances when you are the sole breadwinner and he doesn't have a job, and you're resentful and afraid to let him have access to the family money again?

How do you do all this while you are hurting and confused, and afraid of being abused and used again?

Where do I start?

* And, I will add, I am an alcoholic. I am a very high-functioning one out of pure necessity. But it adds to the mix and I should add it to this query.

Re: Need direction--I am new here

Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2017 1:31 pm
by endoftheroad
First off, a big Welcome to the Forum. As you may have read, we are a site devoted to the friends and families of addicted loved ones! And our group is based in the wisdom of Naranon, a 12 Step group. All that being said, be sure to look around the site, read the 12 Steps and all that pertains to newcomers under Announcements.

I don't have an addicted husband, but my 28 year old addicted son brought me here almost 4 years ago. He had come home at 24 to heal from a long run with drugs. We gave him all sorts of rules and conditions and did counseling with him ;) He did a great job of lying and hiding what he was doing! We were no strangers to his drug addiction, but I went over the edge almost 4 years ago when I discovered all of his drugs laid out in a little room he was staying in our house! That was it, I asked calmly for him to leave. He did. He is still out.

I found this site in desperation to heal the emptiness I felt. I read my story over and over. I took the first step and believed I was powerless over his addiction and my life had become unmanageable. I turned to a higher power for direction, for me the Universe. I am not religious, but very spiritual.

I have other adult children and they were deeply affected by his addiction. It has taken us all quite awhile to heal, but none of us can any longer live around addiction or early recovery. It takes a very long time to recover in my book.

We cannot tell you what to do, but do share our stories of experience, strength and hope! Read everything you can here, find a face to face meeting, alanon or naranon. We have online meetings as well, Sunday, Monday and Wednesday! Just keep coming back!!

Re: Need direction--I am new here

Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2017 1:45 pm
by run5203
Thank you. I cry every day. I don't know how to cope. I still love him, and so does our daughter. I'm so tired of living like this. I am a person of faith but after years of begging God/Jesus (who are my HP personally) I just feel as if even God won't listen anymore, and it's bleak.

My alcoholism is hereditary. My father's side of the family has it and I've always been a drinker. But I was able to keep it social and under control for most of my life. Now I am so depressed it's out of control. I'm doing my best to hang on.

I have a good job, and I just took on a second job working evenings -- to dig myself out of debt and also provide security, but also to keep me busy. I also sink myself into my daughter's life and try to keep busy monitoring her school activities and friends. I have put myself back on a workout regime running and doing yoga. I have family support. These are all positive things. But I feel so empty and lonely and my heart is so broken.

Re: Need direction--I am new here

Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2017 2:01 pm
by run5203
Sorry for all the posts. I guess the best way to put it is this:

Now that we are separated, I finally have some semblance of peace.

My life is calm and under control in most respects now that it's just me and my daughter.

However, it's black and white without him. My life has no color without him.

I hate that I have to choose between peace and color.

Re: Need direction--I am new here

Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2017 2:18 pm
by vscook
Welcome to the forum. Everyone here is dealing with the issues of having an addicted loved one. My husband was an alcoholic (passed away 5 years ago) and my daughter is an addict. We do not give advice here, but we do share our experience, strength and hope. Take time to read the the posts in the Announcements section to learn more about the program. You can find a a face to face meeting near you by visiting www.nar-anon.org. We also hold online meetings here every Sunday, Monday and Wednesday evening at 8 pm Eastern. Keep coming back!

Re: Need direction--I am new here

Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2017 7:10 pm
by Claytonmomof2
I’m so glad you found this forum and I hope you get as much out of it as I have thus far. I too have a spouse struggling with addiction. His addictions led to his infidelity this year and thus under a different roof. It’s been devastating and I can relate to so much of what you are feeling. I have two children - 11yo and 4yo who are struggling to make sense of all this as well.

My boundary has become that he is no longer allowed to contact us or see us until he decides to seek recovery for himself. We can’t have active addiction around us anymore and the infrequent visits were simply causing more heartache for the kids and I. The first month of implementing this my AH was in shock and slightly angry, month two he accepted my boundary but realized how much he was missing us. Month three and he’s miserable in his current situation and planning “changes” for the new year. I’m hopeful his changes result in his second attempt at rehab.

These have been helpful to me:
Nothing changes if nothing changes
Let go, Let God
Turn it over to Him and get out of His way
I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it

The kids and I have that calm, peaceful house like you describe but we desperately want the family back together. We’re willing to work on ourselves and give God the room he needs to work with my husband. When my husband is in full recovery and working a program of his own then the evidence of that will speak for itself.

You aren’t alone! Try to find an in person support system for you... and focus on healing and honoring your own emotions during this time. An opportunity to gain your life back and be the YOU that you’ve wanted to be. It may create a ripple effect to others in your life as well :)

Hugs, love and support!!

Re: Need direction--I am new here

Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2017 12:39 am
by Lem3
Hello - welcome I am new here too and I will tell you it brought me so much peace with just sharing and knowing I wasn’t alone.

My bf has been an addict for over 6 years and just relapsed over the holiday. The forum gave me the strength to keep my boundaries and remember the 3 c’s. My boundaries are he can’t be in my house high or doing drugs in the house. The first month I didn’t think we were going to make it. He was angry calling me names, and I thought it was over. Believe it or not it was the best decision I made because he made the decision on his own to seek help. We were doing great for the last year, but I had to kick him out over the holidays and start from square 1. I think the depression comes out the most over the holidays. If he wants to stay he has to go back to counseling and work the program again. Start back at step 1. Unfortunately this Happens with this Disease.

Re: Need direction--I am new here

Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2017 10:57 am
by SDIN2T
I understand. As mentioned, in Naranon we don't give advice, but we share our experiences in the hope something we might have done helps in your situation.

I had a codependency problem with my alcoholic/addicted wife. When I came to this site, I agree, peace and color were mutually exclusive for me. But accepting the principals of Naranon, going to meetings and working the steps brought color back into to my life. I now live with Peace, color and serenity regardless what all of my addicts are doing.

Keep coming back
:JR

Re: Need direction--I am new here

Posted: Mon Jan 01, 2018 10:11 am
by Ma1954
TYFS. Sorry for your situation. As you can see you are not alone. There is lots of wisdom here, keep coming back. Sue

Re: Need direction--I am new here

Posted: Mon Jan 01, 2018 1:36 pm
by run5203
Thank you all. It's really difficult. I have no idea to what extent he's still using drugs, except for that he is absolutely still smoking pot. I also don't know if he's sexually acting out right now because he is not at home. However, I'm just bleak because after years and years (with the last three being the ones I realized he did meth, and got the full picture of the activities he engaged in), I'm not sure this relationship can be saved.

He's just so shady all the time. He comes to see me and our daughter, and sometimes he's up front and normal, and other times not. Last night was New Year's Eve. He came over and I told him he could spend the night. I asked him to wake me up and please let me know if he decided to leave in the night, because I have an issue with that--he used to leave every night while I was sleeping. He said he would tell me me.

Well, he didn't, and he doesn't have a car, so someone came and picked him up. I don't know who. He was online around 4 a.m. (his phone has been shut off because he has no money right now, but he can go on Facebook with wifi) but didn't respond to my messages.

I want to just close all contact with him but what is breaking my heart is our daughter--she keeps asking why he comes and goes. When he's coming back again. I don't know what to tell her. She's 10 years old so she's not a baby, but it's still not easy explaining this to her. When he moved out initially I told her we were trying to take some time apart to figure things out, but now she's confused as why he is here and being affectionate to me but still not moving back in.

Happy 2018. As I said, I have tried to turn this to God but I'm feeling so bleak that He isn't even listening to me anymore. I guess God wants me to cut my losses and go already, but He isn't making it one tiny iota easier on me. I've been begging Him to throw me a bone. Make me stop caring. Send me a new love interest. Make him die, even--seriously. ANYTHING. I have no interest in life anymore basically and just plod along for the sake of my daughter. Like I said, I work a lot to keep busy, and I try to be happy and do things with my child for her sake. And run and do yoga and all that because gaining weight will just make me more depressed. But I feel dead inside.

Sorry for the dump. thank you for listnening

Re: Need direction--I am new here

Posted: Mon Jan 01, 2018 2:25 pm
by SDIN2T
Our rules are such that we aren't supposed to respond to a post more than once, but I have to break the rule based on your last comments.

I left my Higher Power (who may be God sometimes) when I was living in the depths of loving an addict (I actually have 3, my wife and 2 oldest sons). There was no way in hell or heaven I could believe a HP would put me through something as devastating as loving an addict. I was pissed I was in this situation and I blamed my HP for abandoning me, so I bailed on him/her.

I didn't really have a HP for a few years, but then I started the Naranon 12 Steps and everything changed. I often say the magic of the program happens in the steps as we create a bond with our sponsors and get down to the dirty work in the Step Book. While I was working the steps I realized my relationship with my HP was as dysfunctional as my relationship with my ALOs.

I used to beg to my HP all the time and got angry when my begging wasn't answered within my time and on my terms. As I got through the first 4 steps, the relationship with my HP changed. I can't say I "pray" to my HP in the traditional sense, but I have continuing dialogue with my HP all day long. Sometimes my HP is like a father like when I need guidance, sometimes my HP is like a mother when I need someone to hold me like only a mother can, sometimes my HP is just my friend that I can confide in. But there's no begging, just talking.

Everyday I simply ask my HP for opportunities to help me understand and accept life on my HP's terms. I never beg my HP to "Make my addicts quit using". I ask my HP to give my addicts the opportunity to see something in their lives that makes them understand they can seek recovery when they are ready.

The one big thing I had to change was how I perceive what my HP is telling me. Maybe my HP is giving me a bone, but my mind is too myopic to see it. Sometimes I had to accept my HP didn't give me the opportunities I asked for because maybe the answer was no. The problem was I wanted answers in my time, but my HP doesn't work on my time. Sometimes I was given what I needed, but never asked for it (e.g. God Winks).

We all have to come to terms with our own HP in our own lives and we need to quite our minds sometimes to see that our HP is actually responding to us. Maybe your HP lead you here, to this forum so you can see you're not alone and we understand what you're going through. Maybe your HP is answering some of your praying through us when we share our experience, strength and hope.

Keep coming back
:JR

Re: Need direction--I am new here

Posted: Mon Jan 01, 2018 2:30 pm
by run5203
Just to add:

My daughter was up late last night because she wanted to ring in the New Year, plus was playing a new video game she got for Christmas. (She is allowed to stay up late during school breaks.) She told me this morning that her father told her he was leaving, and that he'd come back today. He is dog-sitting and forgot the dog's medication. She also said he commented something about not wanting to leave due to it being dangerous with unsafe drivers on the road.

My daughter related all this cheerfully, and added that he told her "Mom is asleep and I don't want to wake her up." So he didn't entirely sneak out without telling anyone. But I'm still upset he didn't wake me up, and I also have no idea who picked him up.

He may possibly have gotten an Uber but I was under the impression he had no money. An Uber from his place to our house costs about $15. He MIGHT have that in his account.

See? Now I am obsessing. I HATE THIS. how do i get off the crazy train?

Re: Need direction--I am new here

Posted: Mon Jan 01, 2018 2:38 pm
by run5203
Thank you SDN2T. I am a lifelong Christian and have considered myself to have a very open dialogue with God my entire life. I have tried every prayer, every approach, from formal novenas, to studying scripture, to "just talking like a friend," to lying still at night and listening for that small voice, to even ranting and raving and screaming and punching things while I asked WHY WHY WHY. I don't think there is a single avenue to God that I haven't tried. I do believe God hears me. I just don't know why He won't answer.

God has answered me in other avenues, many times. Just not this one. What I perceive as silence is painful and frustrating.

Re: Need direction--I am new here

Posted: Mon Jan 01, 2018 7:10 pm
by vscook
I remember someone saying be careful what you ask for because you might get it- for example if you ask God for patience he will give you a reason to learn patience. I have also learned with my HP that sometimes I am so busy talking that I can’t hear what he is saying. Your HP may be talking to you- just not in the way you are expecting.

Re: Need direction--I am new here

Posted: Mon Jan 01, 2018 7:42 pm
by run5203
Thank you. I just want my family and a husband who doesn't lie and cheat. And I don't want a new husband, I want my child's father. I can't imagine how God could twist that around. It's so straightforward.

The adultery is the worst part, and I don't know how much is caused or exacerbated by drug use.