Frustrated

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Hopeful14
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Frustrated

Post by Hopeful14 » Fri Dec 29, 2017 2:56 pm

So my bf begged me for help. He asked me to help him and I said I would. We found meetings to go to and he was looking forward to it. The meeting is tonight. Now he doesn't want me around him and he wants to do this all alone. It doesn't work. I don't get it. I feel so broken now. How do I handle this. How do I keep this up. I don't understand what happened. I don't know what to do anymore.

He just backed out altogether. Says he doesn’t feel well and needs to fully recover first. I must be dense but isn’t that why he should go. What did you do when an ALO said they would get help but didn’t go.

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vscook
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Re: Frustrated

Post by vscook » Fri Dec 29, 2017 6:24 pm

I'm sorry you are frustrated, but one thing you will learn here is that you cannot do your ALO's program for them. The reality is that going to meetings won't make any difference until they are truly ready to do it for themselves. Try to find a face to face Nar-anon meeting in your area. Or you can attend online meetings here on Sunday, Monday and Wednesday evenings at 8 pm Eastern. Keep coming back!
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

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whitedove
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Re: Frustrated

Post by whitedove » Fri Dec 29, 2017 6:26 pm

This is a pattern for my AS. I understand how frustrated you feel. It took me a long time to realize that I wanted his recovery more than he wanted it. I worked harder than he did searching out recovery programs, getting him to doctors appointments, therapists, AA, NA, etc, etc. When I realized that HE needed to take control of his recovery, not me,
I BEGAN TO HEAL. You cannot control your addict's behavior and you can't cure them because you didn't cause it. My son has yet to seek out recovery in any meaningful way. All I can do is wait.
Please keep coming back. Read the posts....I started MY recovery here.

Love

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SDIN2T
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Re: Frustrated

Post by SDIN2T » Fri Dec 29, 2017 6:36 pm

I suppose there could be some value if I attended an NA meeting with any of my addicts. But NA meetings are for the addict and Naranon meetings are for us, and I know I wouldn't want my addicts to go to a Naranon meeting with me.

When I was first started in Naranon one of the first things I learned and accepted is that if my addicts seek recovery, it's theirs to own and I'm not involved in it. When my wife found a short period of recovery I didn't micromanage her recovery by going to her meetings or forcing anything on her. I gave her the dignity of managing her own recovery. The most I did was give her rides to meetings. I never asked how the meeting went and never asked what was discussed. It was none of my business. If my wife wanted to talk about her recovery, I mostly listened.

The second thing I learned and accepted was to listen to my gut to figure out if my addicts were lying. Addicts are master manipulators to get what they want from us and will tell us what we want to hear because in their mind survival to use is the only priority.

Talk is cheap and an addict will not seek recovery until the pain and fear of using is greater than the pain and fear of not using.

How about your recovery? Do you have a face 2 face meeting you can go to? Have you thought about working the steps? For me, the steps changed my life.

:JR
And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

hope1
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Re: Frustrated

Post by hope1 » Fri Dec 29, 2017 7:09 pm

I felt very frustrated as well when i tried again and again to get my AD into recovery from the time i first became aware there was a problem when she was about 17. I thought i knew best because i had an educational background in mental health and addictions. It looks a lot different when it is residing in your own house and family. I gave tons of advice, guidance, researched, gave numbers, names, places to go etc etc . I was determined i was going to save her. I was very successful however into driving myself to the brink of a complete mental and physical breakdown. When she finally had enough of living the way she was she then surrendered and sought treatment. I then helped her financially to attend treatment and sober living afterwards. It was like night and day the difference in her when she was doing it on her own vs me pushing it. I have attended a couple of open meetings with her when i have visited her but otherwise her attendance, program, work with her sponsor is none of my business and i do not want to know anymore then i do. She has had some struggles but she knows what she needs to do. The best people to help her are the other addicts in the rooms, not me. I love and support her but no longer try to manage her stuff. I try to focus on working my own program and stay on my side of the street. I learned that love will not cure addiction, if so most of us wouldn't be here.

Hopeful14
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Re: Frustrated

Post by Hopeful14 » Fri Dec 29, 2017 8:29 pm

I should clarify, I was not going to attend the meeting with him only support him in his going. If there were meetings family should attend and he wanted me there of course I would.

I guess it doesn’t matter because he didn’t go anyway.

MarieW
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Re: Frustrated

Post by MarieW » Fri Dec 29, 2017 8:45 pm

The best thing I can do to support my son is to work the program I wish he was working. When I started to attend meetings (Nar-Anon and Al-Anon) and working the steps, my life got better and the positive changes rippled out to my family. It didn't happen over night, but my son began to realize that I was serous about not enabling and rescuing him, so he started to take more responsibility for his own life and recovery.

Keep coming back.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

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