I'm such a mess.

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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I'm such a mess.

Post by Ronni » Thu Dec 28, 2017 10:23 am

This will be rambling. Sorry. I'm just a bit of a mess right now. This is rough.

For those who don't know....My ex DIL who was also my friend and the mother of three of my grandchildren passed away unexpectedly just before Christmas. Her husband/the stepfather of my grandchildren suicided two years ago. They were both addicts.

I'm not in great shape emotionally. I'm distracted, can't keep a train of thought, cannot seem to get any kind of traction. I'm slow and clumsy and unfocused. I have bad indigestion, (a stress reaction for me) and can't seem to stay asleep though I fall into bed exhausted and fall asleep right away. I cry at everything..when I try and talk about this, when I see something that reminds me of my DIL, when I talk to my son/her ex, just everything. Crying right now.

I feel this compelling need to not make ANY plans, just in case...though I don't even know for sure what "just in case" even means. Just in case those sweet grand babies need me? Just in case something else happens? I don't know.

The oldest child (13) is texting me and my adult daughter/her aunt constantly. She loves her aunt, who has three young children of her own, and my granddaughters have always loved being around her and her husband and the cousins. We do family things at my daughter's house all the time...it's the biggest place and we have a large family.

So, we have this group text thing going, where we (granddaughter, daughter and me) are all texting together. My granddaughter was very close to her Mom and they used to text back and forth all the time, and she really misses that. She texted us asking if she could text with gossip or whatever sometimes? Like when something happens at school or with a boy, and that she always did that with her Mom. Broke my heart!!! Of course she can!!

She texted us from the funeral home where she went with her other Grandma (the Mom of my ex DIL) to make the arrangements. She really, really wanted to go, wanted to be a part of that, so Grandma took her with...and I get it...just one small thing my granddaughter could help control in a world where so much has happened to her that is entirely out of her control. My daughter and I were right there with her in spirit as she exclaimed over things there, how it was so quiet, how it was depressing, how she was able to tell the funeral director things about her Mom that her Grandma didn't know, when he asked questions.

She cracked some inappropriate jokes, and so we did too. It was a weird zone for a while, but she really obviously needed it and so we obliged as best we could.

I know I need to take care of myself too. My boyfriend (it is so weird saying that, I'm a freaking senior citizen!!) is a sweet man, and reserved a couple of days for us in a really cute little Airbnb just outside of town. He knows I want to be close, but wanted to do something for me to help me take care of me. The funeral is Saturday. We'll go after that, to this cute little township that is only a half hour away from the girls. A change of environment for me, but still very close by so that we can still take the girls out to lunch, or get to them if something is needed. He was sweet to do that.

When he first told me I panicked because I didn't want to be gone. But he already knew I needed to stay close, so this arrangement is perfect.

I guess it's normal for me to feel guilt, because I'm taking a little bit of me time to recharge when my granddaughters have this huge loss that they have barely begun to process?
My son's addiction is something that happened TO HIM. It is NOT something he did TO ME.

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Re: I'm such a mess.

Post by Ma1954 » Thu Dec 28, 2017 10:46 am

When my first husband died, my kids were 9 and 15. I was 48. We all grieved differently. I felt like I was in a darkness for the longest time. I had no close family. Only my brother visited me and he got cancer and died 6 years later. My son became a heroin addict and my daughter moved across country and didn't give me the address. Talk about rambling. I am sorry for your loss of DIL and friend. Give yourself time to grieve and crying is part of it. I used to break down all the time, but I think that's normal. Lots of hugs. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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Re: I'm such a mess.

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Thu Dec 28, 2017 10:55 am

Condolences to you and your family during this time.

The grieving process has no timeline or handbook, but it's important that you honor those emotions as you feel them. Having strong, adult women in your grandchildren's lives will go a long way and how great is it that she feels close enough to you and your daughter to be able to open up to you both. It's so great that they have that bond with you.


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Re: I'm such a mess.

Post by endoftheroad » Thu Dec 28, 2017 12:28 pm

So sorry for your heavy heart Ronni! And so glad that you can come here for a spirit refill!
I think you may be experiencing "crisis mode". All is in flux. I would want to be close to the grands in a crisis. You are their rock.
As I think back, both of my grandmothers were my rock and my sister's too when my parents were in their alcoholism.
They were just there all the time. One read us the entire Cinderella novel every chance she got.
The other was busy teaching us to cook and sew.
The greatness of Grand Mother is that Earthbound motherhood that provides the feeling of "everything will be alright".
I think if you walk this walk with that inner calm, you will begin to believe it and heal yourself in the process.
Love and hugs right now and bundles of prayers for all of you that you come into the light soon.....ox Susan
This is the easier softer way.....

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Re: I'm such a mess.

Post by hopefulNE » Fri Dec 29, 2017 12:25 am

Tears in my eyes reading about your GD at the funeral home.
So glad you and your daughter can be there for her.
Enjoy your weekend "away" but still nearby. Sounds like just what you need.
I will be thinking of you and your family Saturday.
(((More Hugs)))
"Keep Calm and Carry On" - British Ministry of Information, WWII

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Re: I'm such a mess.

Post by Trying4466 » Fri Dec 29, 2017 12:34 am

So sorry to read about your family's loss. Saying extra prayers for you all. SusanD

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Re: I'm such a mess.

Post by flash » Fri Dec 29, 2017 1:15 am

Ronni - so sorry for this horrible loss.
I'm not surprised you are a mess. Who wouldn't be?
Try not to put any expectations on yourself.
There is no right or wrong.
Your grandchildren know that you are there for them and will be.
You can't give them as much love as they deserve if you don't take care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve.
I know that you will walk through this darkness and find the light and I'm sure your grandchildren will be there with you.
I would bet you are an inspiration to them.
Sending prayers for strength and peace to you.
Love, Donna

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