I FEEL HELPLESS

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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alv916
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I FEEL HELPLESS

Post by alv916 » Tue Dec 26, 2017 3:27 pm

Tomorrow will be one month since I found out my boyfriend has been using and I don't know what to do anymore.

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over 2 years now and he was everything I've ever wanted in a relationship. I truly believe he is my soulmate and the person I was meant to be with. In September 2016 - his best friend passed away to drug overdose and my boyfriend ended up finding him. He was traumatized and heartbroken, which ultimately lead him to sever depression.

Leading up to Thanksgiving, I started to notice really strange behavior from him. He would disappear hours on end , my belongings/money started to go missing, he never had money for bills or anything, and stopped showing up to work. The Monday after Thanksgiving - I found out he wasn't at work and I decided to text one of his best friends and let her know what was going on. From our conversation, she validated all my fears. I was so distressed that day I decided to leave work early and go home, hoping that I would find him there. I didn't. I decided to search through the house for anything I could find and discovered a several bags of syringes, rubber bands, and baggies. I was devastated. I waited for him to come home and confronted him and he broke down and admitted to using. From there, he decided to quit cold turkey and I stayed home with him the whole week as he detoxed. I know things don't get fixed in a week and without help but he seemed to be doing better. He went to work, paid off some of the debts he owed me, and even got a cell phone and turned on location services so he can be held accountable. I thought we were headed towards the right direction.

Until, one day he shut off his location services and I was unable to reach him. He started coming home late and he stole from me again. I knew something wasn't right but i guess I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe that this hold these drugs have on him is bigger than our relationship.

Christmas Eve, I went through his stuff again and found syringes and baggies. He insisted that were "old" and he was sober. I found this cell phone and found he was texting this number (his "friend" he uses with) plotting on how much money he can take for me to supply their next high.

I've reached out to his parents for help but they don't live in the same state as me and dont have the money to put him in treatment. His dad pretty much told me that this is his problem and he has to deal with and he has to figure it out on his own.

I'm in a very difficult situation right now and I don't know what to do. I can't live like this anymore but he has no where else to go. I love him so much and i want to help him and get him back to who he is. I'm trying to look for treatment options but it's not affordable or he will have to rely on outpatient treatment and i don't think he can commit to that.

My family is suggesting that I give him 2 weeks for him to commit to treatment or he has to get out of the apartment. As much as I hate ultimatums i feel like this is my only option left. I don't want to kick him out. I want to be with him more than anything but i can't live in fear or enable him. I feel like he's manipulated me. I feel like I don't even know if he loves me anymore. I wish God himself can just tell me what do to. I don't know what to do and I don't want him to die just like his friend did.

If anyone has been or is in a similar situation - what did you do? how can i help him?

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SDIN2T
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Re: I FEEL HELPLESS

Post by SDIN2T » Tue Dec 26, 2017 5:00 pm

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you're going through this. We all get, we've been there.

I've found ultimatums don't work. That's my experience, Maybe for someone else it did work. For me, an ultimatum is tough. Am I willing to follow through if the addict doesn't choose recovery? If not, then the ultimatum is nothing more than an idle threat and it reinforces the addict's behavior they can manipulate and control us.

I can share my soulmate story. I met my soulmate over 33 years ago. When I saw her walk into the room, in less than 10 seconds I turned to my friend next to me and said I'm going to marry her. I didn't even know her name or who she was. I only knew that my soulmate just walked into my life. This is a true story, no BS. I remember it like it happened yesterday.

Five years later, I married her and I am still married.

She was an alcoholic when we met but it was no big deal because I was a drinker too. Seemed normal and didn't matter because I loved her with every fiber in my body and she loved me the same. We were best friends and soulmates. Life was good.

Her drinking was mostly "under control" (if you can call it that) while we raised 5 kids. After the last kid was around 14 she turned to using opiates. After running up $50K in credit card debit I didn't know about, she switched to heroin because it's a lot cheaper. Ironically it was my 2 older sons that turned her on to the heroin.

So here I sit dealing with 3 addicts in my life. It would take hours to explain the pain and fear I've lived with over the years. It seems you've been given a preview of your life from reading your story.

Don't get me wrong, my soulmate and I had a lot of wonderful times in 33 years. But the issue is whether those good times outweigh the bad times living with addiction. For me, no they don't.

You say your BF is your soulmate and he is the person you are meant to be with. Look at my experience, my life of marrying my soulmate, my soulmate the addict. Part of me wishes I never married my soulmate. If I could turn the clock back to where I had only been with my soulmate for 2 years and someone gave me a glimpse of what my life would be like loving an addict, I would have made a different choice.

:JR
And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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vscook
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Re: I FEEL HELPLESS

Post by vscook » Tue Dec 26, 2017 7:56 pm

I met my husband when I was in my late teens. We started dating when I was 19, and we got married when I was 22. I knew he partied when I married him, but I thought that was just his age/stage in life. However, he kept drinking and occasionally using drugs. By the time I was in my late 30's, I realized he had a serious problem. I basically said that he needed to get help or I would leave him. He didn't think he had a problem, so I left. Addiction is a life-long disease. It can be controlled, but never cured. My husband tried many times to quit drinking, but he always relapsed. We were separated, but not divorced, when he passed away from alcohol-related causes nearly five years ago.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

Claytonmomof2
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Re: I FEEL HELPLESS

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Tue Dec 26, 2017 8:06 pm

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. We all can relate to you as we all have addicted loved ones in our lives. My husband is in his worst bout of addiction...Addiction is a progressive disease and a family disease. Someone said recently that each day without active addiction in their life is a gift and that really resonated with me. As I sit here with my two wonderful children watching a movie and eating pizza together my AH is out living with enablers who supply him with whatever he chooses. The emotional damage to myself and children may never be fully healed. But.... your BF parents are somewhat right in that he’s on his own. I’ve spent 10 years trying to control my husband ... to convince him he needs help. To tell him that the addictions never gave him the joy he was seeking. He’d manipulate and tell me what I wanted to hear and even live as a somewhat high functioning addict where many days or months or even years would be great and without active use. BUT unless he chooses that for himself there’s no point. My husband went to inpatient earlier this year. I took out a personal loan to get him there. He was sincere about going but he wasn’t fully ready. People would ask if this was his first time at rehab and I’d be shocked to hear how many times some of the others had been there. For me I sacrificed everything to get him there but he was there for the kids and I which was part of the problem. He left early and relapsed nearly immediately. He spent thanksgiving with his enabler users and decided he wanted better for Christmas... so he spent Christmas with his extended family out of town for a few days. He tried to be on his best for them but went through withdrawals the whole time. Until he reaches HIS rock bottom and wants BETTER FOR HIMSELF then no amount of money, time, effort, energy...nothing will make a difference. And honestly, that active user isn’t my husband. He isn’t the father my kids know, he’s not that baseball coach my son once had in a dad, and until he finds that person again away from active use he’s not welcome to our home. That’s my experience. It’s not easy to say that and to implement it but I’ve stuck to my guns. Ive seen the emotional response he’s having to these boundaries and the hurt he’s experiencing from my implementing these. It’s the consequence of his lifestyle and choices right now. And when the consequences outweigh the high in HIS mind then maybe something will click. I’ve given him a phone number of someone to contact for help when he’s ready and asked him to no longer contact or visit us. I’ve talked with probably five addiction counselors and also religious counselors who all confirm this is the right choice for my situation.

What I’m learning is to control what I can which is to focus on me and my kids. To reconnect with my higher power, to find support systems for ME. I spent countless hours trying to find a rehab and support for him but now I needed that for me. It wasn’t easy but I found people that get it. That won’t judge him or me but can support me in ways I never dreamed. I’ve found some peace within and that ripples into my children and others around me.

Some days are tough and some days I doubt myself but a few sayings that have helped me the last few months:

“If your addict is mad at you, you’re doing something right”

“Nothing changes if nothing changes”

“I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it”

“Let go and let God”


Hugs to you! It’s a difficult journey...

alv916
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Re: I FEEL HELPLESS

Post by alv916 » Wed Dec 27, 2017 8:08 pm

Thank you all for sharing your stories and offering support. By his own will, I'm taking my boyfriend to detox tomorrow. I know we have a long road ahead of us but I'm glad this is a start.

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