Family Judgement

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Mamagioia
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2017 1:13 pm
option_firstname: Angela

Family Judgement

Post by Mamagioia » Tue Dec 26, 2017 2:44 pm

My husband is an addict. I knew this when I married him but had no idea what it really meant. The last year has been hell. He has relapsed multiple times, put me into bankruptcy and torn my family apart. He is in jail because of the drugs and due to be released in several months. My mother and children want me to 'forget' him and move on. My children have or are planning to move out when he comes home and I am constantly told that I am going to lose my family if I choose him. I believe he has seen the devastation that he has created and is finally ready to admit his fault in it. I love him am and not willing to treat my life apart for my families wishes. I tell them they deserve their own lives and so do i. I feel horrible being put into a him or us situation but refuse to allow my family to dictate my life regarding my husband. Any tips or advise to deal with this would truly be appreciated. Thank you.

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SDIN2T
Posts: 734
Joined: Sat Nov 15, 2014 1:13 pm
Location: Desert SW
option_firstname: JR

Re: Family Judgement

Post by SDIN2T » Tue Dec 26, 2017 5:21 pm

Hi Angela. I'm sorry you're going through this.

We don't give advice because what works for one person may not work for another. I see you've been a member on the Forum almost 1 year. Have you been reading the sharing here all that time? Have logged onto one of the online meetings or attended a real Face 2 Face meeting? I found that I had to understand what it meant to love an addict, and I found that through reading here and going to meetings.

Everything in my life is a choice and all choices have consequences. I choose to get out of bed everyday and work for a living. The consequence Is I have a roof over my head, food in fridge, and money in my pocket. I suppose I could choose to stay in bed and blow off work, but there is an opposite consequence for that.

This program gave me clarity and the ability to understand the choices I make with respect to addiction. You also have choices that only you can make. The advantage you have is that you see what life is like loving an addict. You said life has been hell, your husband has relapsed multiple times and you're in bankruptcy. You already know what your kids are going to do based on the choice you make. Those are the consequences.

No one here is going to tell you what choices to make in your situation. I've found when I have to make difficult choices, I ask my HP (Higher Power) for guidance and clarity, then I try and listen or look for the answer.

:JR
And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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endoftheroad
Posts: 1494
Joined: Thu Sep 25, 2014 2:19 pm
Location: California
option_firstname: Susan

Re: Family Judgement

Post by endoftheroad » Tue Dec 26, 2017 6:27 pm

Boy, loving and living with an addict is hell. I know it was for me several years before I asked my addicted son to move out. He is now 29 and has had addiction problems since he was 13.
My husband and I had very little choice when he was a minor and so we intervened to get him clean and sober and it worked for quite awhile. However, we learned once an addict almost always an addict. He has been back in his addiction for sometime.
His younger sister, my darling daughter, moved out to go to college at 17 and has never returned. She has her own life and will barely talk about her brother. It saddens me deeply. We travel many miles to see her.
He left and gave up rights to a beautiful daughter and her mother when she was 2. She is now 6 and she will not even allow anyone to talk about him.
My son WAS a lovely intelligent well educated young man who held some great jobs and had a wonderful girlfriend. All gone now.
He chose the drugs over everything else in his life. We became powerless over his addiction.
Living with an addict whether in recovery or not is one of the hardest choices I had to make. I chose not to.
I have been around Naranon for almost 4 years and my husband and I have repaired our finances, our relationships and our spirits.
We don't tell others how to live here, but share our stories so that others may begin to choose Serenity in their lives.
Keep coming back!
This is the easier softer way.....

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belkar1
Posts: 897
Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2012 1:11 pm
option_firstname: Carmen

Re: Family Judgement

Post by belkar1 » Tue Dec 26, 2017 6:32 pm

Hello,

We do not give advice, we can only share our experiences with each other. That is how I rescued my life, through hard work and determination. Meetings, sponsor, steps, is the way I found a new way to live.

For me, my AS is my youngest son he is now 37, he has been married, many girlfriends, two children. NOTHING we have done, or his wife ,girl friends, children, changed my son. My son suffers from the disease of addiction, it can be arrested but not cured.

It is a disease of MORE, nothing is ever enough. He uses everything, and everybody NOTHING is sacred. My life was filled with drama, I was worn out. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and pretty much broke trying to help him.

My son is not capable of being a dad, husband, boyfriend, worker, you name it. I hope you will come to meetings here, find a F2F, find a sponsor, work your steps. Doing all this saved me, and it can save you too. I was as sick as my son only in a different way, I could not save him, I could not make it better, However I could contribute. I now refuse to do that. I love him from afar, I will never live with active addiction again.

This is a progressive disease, it only gets worse, unless the addict choose recovery. That can look different for everyone, their is no one way.
I can encourage you to take this time and really look and work on yourself. There are posts, What do you Love, and special snowflake. I hope you take the time to find them.

You said you refuse to allow your family to dictate your life however you allowed;

Your last year to be hell
put you into bankruptcy
Torn your family apart
He is in jail

YES you deserve a life with peace and serenity, take a look at the list above, does it have peace or serenity? I allowed so much, until I decided I was worth it. That I could have a life, this program gave me the ability to look at myself in a different way.

If love was enough we would have NO addicts, Keep coming back

Love
Belkar

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vscook
Posts: 577
Joined: Fri Jun 02, 2017 4:52 pm
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
option_firstname: Vicki

Re: Family Judgement

Post by vscook » Tue Dec 26, 2017 7:41 pm

Welcome to the forum. Everyone here is dealing with the issues of having an addicted loved one. We do not give advice because everyone's situation is different, but we do share out experience, strength and hope. My husband was an alcoholic who passed away nearly five years ago. His addiction placed a tremendous strain on our family, and we eventually separated. Some people choose to stay with their addicted spouse and some do not. Your choice is up to you. Keep coming back.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

MOMOF2TODDLERS
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 8:38 pm
option_firstname: Susan

Re: Family Judgement

Post by MOMOF2TODDLERS » Tue Dec 26, 2017 8:55 pm

Same situation to a certain degree. :cry: No direct confrontation just a lot of judgement. Its hard especially if kids are involved.

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HollyTx
Posts: 629
Joined: Wed Apr 27, 2016 2:35 pm
option_firstname: Holly

Re: Family Judgement

Post by HollyTx » Thu Dec 28, 2017 9:20 am

Hi Angela,

Just like we cannot control or cure the addict, so we cannot control or cure our family's responses.
I discovered what I could live in peace with, and pursued that.
It doesn't really matter what others think - they do not live my life, and I do not live theirs.
I discovered it's OK to make mistakes. I am human after all - not a perfectly programmed robot.

Living with an addict has its challenges.
Living without the one you love is challenging, too.

Only you can decide the best path for you right now.
We're all here to support you with love and hugs through your choices.

love,

Holly

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