Am I in the right place?

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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rwilki1816
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Am I in the right place?

Post by rwilki1816 » Mon Dec 25, 2017 10:31 pm

Hello, I am new to this group and new to support groups in general. I’m not even sure if I’m in the right place. My husband is addicted to pot and has been hiding it from me for 5 years. Ordinarily that would not sound like a serious addiction, but it’s really changed our lives. We have a two year old daughter. We got married 5 years ago. He’s successfully kept this secret life going for 5 years. All this time, I thought the only problems he had were anxiety and depression. He has been unable to work. He has been treated/medicated for anxiety and depression, all the while his doctors didn’t know he was regularly smoking pot. He has been in and out of treatment programs for mental illness - both inpatient and outpatient. He has been to the emergency room for suicidal ideation. He has taken all the money that we have. He has been scamming both me and his parents for money that he spends on pot, going to the movies, and food. He also has a food addiction. And I think going to the movies may be an addiction for him as well. Escapism seems to be the real addiction. I have been working overtime every week as well as a part time job and I still can’t keep us above water. He was continuing to take money knowing that I was doing all of this and knowing he has not brought in a paycheck since earlier this year. We’ve had to borrow money from family. He is gone all the time, disappears for hours at a time. Sleeps all day. Doesn’t help with anything around the house. Very irritable. Now I know why. Now that I know about the addiction, it explains so many things. But I don’t know how to make up for 5 years lost to this. He began a treatment program last week. It is 3 nights a week for 3 hours each. I don’t expect a switch to flip, but dealing with this while he is in treatment is very tricky. I’m often being blamed for things or when I confront him with an issue I end up on trial and defending myself. He is still going to the movies 3-4 times per week and then sneaks into another movie after, so he’s out until 2am. I have no way of knowing if he’s still smoking. Last night was Christmas Eve and he left to go to the movies. I’m stuck at home because our daughter is in bed. Today is Christmas and he left to go to an AA meeting because he failed to do it over the weekend and the program he is in requires it. He was angry with me when he left and wouldn’t tell me where the meeting was. I don’t know if that’s really what he’s doing. When he seems like he’s “in his right mind”, it seems like he really wants to change. But it’s always fleeting and reverts back to this angry behavior and everything is my fault. I don’t know what I even expect anybody to say to this. People keep telling me that I need a support group, so here I am and here is my story.

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endoftheroad
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Re: Am I in the right place?

Post by endoftheroad » Tue Dec 26, 2017 12:01 am

Hi there and welcome to the Forum! And I hope in spite of your husband's present state that you could enjoy the day with your little one!
If you have had a chance to read around the Forum, this site is built on the 12 Steps of Naranon. And its roots are in the 12 Steps of AA.
However, Naranon is for the family and friends of addicted loved ones. There are millions of us!
My son who is now almost 29 began his addiction with pot a very long time ago. He has known periods of recovery, but you will hear that addiction and recovery are not a straight line. Usually, once an addict, always an addict and they must work their recovery one day at a time!
But, all that being said, yes, we are a support site for you! We don't try to fix the addict here, we fix ourselves! We take the focus off of them and put it on us!
We learn to carefully and lovingly detach from the addict's world and tend to the world that was intended for us! Many of us rely on a spiritual power to help us through this way of life. And we have each other. We know that it is too much to handle by ourselves.
Please take a look at the links that explain the 12 Steps and the precepts of Naranon! It is a simple program for complicated people.
We have meetings online 3x a week here, Sun, Mon and Wed at 8:00 EDT. Please join us! And keep coming back!
This is the easier softer way.....

rwilki1816
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Re: Am I in the right place?

Post by rwilki1816 » Tue Dec 26, 2017 10:42 am

Endoftheroad - thank you for your reply! I’m still learning to navigate this site. I will look around for the links on the 12 steps. I’m very interested in any resources that can help me with this.

roadrunner
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Re: Am I in the right place?

Post by roadrunner » Tue Dec 26, 2017 10:53 am

Went to an NA meeting once to see it - there was one guy there who was addicted to pot - so we belong here at Nar-Anon.

MarieW
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Re: Am I in the right place?

Post by MarieW » Tue Dec 26, 2017 1:57 pm

Welcome to the Forum. You are certainly in the right place. This site is for family members and friends of drug addicts, and pot is certainly a drug. Just like with alcohol, some people can use it casually and it never affects their relationships, but others cannot.

My son and husband are both addicts. I came to this site over 5 years a go when I was first dealing with my son's addiction. It had saved my sanity too many times to count. I have the right to a happy, safe, productive life regardless of what the addicts in my life do, and so do you.

Please stick around. Read, post, attend our on-line meetings. Read all the posts under "Announcements" for more info on the program, the Forum and our meetings. When you are ready, find a face to face meeting (Nar-Anon or Al-Anon) in your area.

And remember, it is NOT your fault. Each person, including our addicts, makes their own decisions and is responsible for their own actions. I cannot control the addicts in my life. I do not have the power to make them use or to keep them from using. I can only control me.

I did not cause this.
I cannot cure this.
I cannot control this.

Keep coming back.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

rwilki1816
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Re: Am I in the right place?

Post by rwilki1816 » Tue Dec 26, 2017 9:40 pm

Thank you all very much for your thoughtful replies. I’m glad I have a place to come for help for myself with such welcoming people.

Ma1954
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Re: Am I in the right place?

Post by Ma1954 » Wed Dec 27, 2017 7:37 am

TYFS, yes, you are in the right place. My son started with pot and alchohol. Keep coming back. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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