Deadly needs, Co dependency and Forgiveness

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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DianeB
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Deadly needs, Co dependency and Forgiveness

Post by DianeB » Fri Dec 22, 2017 1:42 pm

This won't appeal to everyone....yet, perhaps there is something here that might help you identify your part in the disease of addiction. This is about me. It is really for me. I only hope that my journey might help others.

I have struggled with what is call co dependency. I have struggled with feeling unworthy, unloved, unneeded, just plain old not good enough. It affects all of us to one degree of another.

As I have worked on myself these past many years, I have consistently identified with what is referred to as the 7 deadly needs.

My need to:

Be right
Know
Keep score
Get Even (Get over)
Judge
Look Good
Control


Pretty much sums up my deadly needs.

Being right - had to. Always. Had to always argue until others saw I was right. This was a top priority
Know - had to again. Had to know what, when, where, who. What they were doing. Are they doing. Is it about me.
Keep score - mostly. You did this and I had to figure out how to do it, do it better, be right, be better and right on into the next one....
Get even (Get over) - yep. In keeping score, I needed to get even with whoever. If I couldn't, I would get something over on them.
Judge - oh my heavenly days. Yes. Judging was how I could keep myself important. I was better than. Although I knew I was not.
Look good - right again! Not look good physically, although that was part of it. I had to dress better, more expensive, I had to be better than. I had to make you look worse than so I would be better than.
Control - bingo. All of this gave me the illusion that I could control something - but what?

All of these needs led to actions. The actions led to shame, guilt and more self degradation. But why?

Working the steps helped me greatly. It took me back to my family of origin. I wasn't abused. I lived in a comfortable middle class home. I had two parents....although they were closet dysfunctionals. I don't remember strong feelings of love and support, but I soon learned that I was not good enough. My grades weren't good enough. I didn't look good enough. I was too fat. I was too clumsy. I wasn't smart enough. I was too smart so why didn't I apply myself. These messages were both overt and subliminal. But they were there. They stayed there. They burrowed into my soul. They brought me shame. And guilt. They led me straight to those deadly needs. I needed to BE...to be seen, to be admired, to be loved, to be the best.
They did not serve me well. The behaviors affected all my relationships...ALL of them. Personal, Career, Friends...etc. They kept me as a people pleaser, always striving for the attention of others. Sounds pretty co dependent to me.

I worked hard on this. But they are forever ingrained into me. Both my parents are long gone. So why are these messages still so powerful? I don't know. I do know that when I work hard on myself, work hard on forgiveness for my parents and even harder on forgiving myself I can keep them at bay.

It surprises me sometime how quickly they will reassert themselves, as they are now. They surface. And I have to go back and remind myself,
I am forgiven, I am worthy, I good enough. I am.

So are you. Whatever your deadly needs are, where ever they came from, give yourself the gift of forgiveness. Give others the same gift because it is for you, not them.

Working the steps, having a sponsor allowed me to look hard at my part in addiction....my co dependency....my issues. We don't live in a vacuum, we impact those we love. We pass on those messages. But....forgiveness helps to break the cycle.

It gave me the tools to be a better person. To be good enough.

Take what you want and leave the rest. This is more my way of doing a mini fourth step.

Love, peace and serenity as you all move forward.

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Jade11
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Re: Deadly needs, Co dependency and Forgiveness

Post by Jade11 » Fri Dec 22, 2017 2:02 pm

This is a great share. I can identify with so much of this.
I am moving forward, a work in progress! For me finding my purpose and myself in my HP is key. Nar Anon (and all of you) are helping me to do this.
Sending love, peace and serenity back to you. Thank you for sharing <3

DeanW
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Re: Deadly needs, Co dependency and Forgiveness

Post by DeanW » Fri Dec 22, 2017 2:02 pm

Thinking about this post, Diane. TYFS....

Claytonmomof2
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Re: Deadly needs, Co dependency and Forgiveness

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Fri Dec 22, 2017 9:20 pm

This is truly eye opening to me. What an amazing example of working the program and what that means... Keeping the focus inward where we can control versus outward where we can’t control. Thank you for this!

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hopefulNE
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Re: Deadly needs, Co dependency and Forgiveness

Post by hopefulNE » Fri Dec 22, 2017 9:25 pm

TY once again, DianeB.
My greatest need has always been the end to know. Even after I realized I didn't even WANT to know everything that was going on with my AD, it still drove me crazy. Sometimes still does.
I love your words about forgiveness. For me, it is always hardest to forgive myself. But forgiveness, of ourselves and of others, is a great gift we can give ourselves.
TYFS, and a wishing you happiness for the holidays.
Pat
"Keep Calm and Carry On" - British Ministry of Information, WWII

Hopeful731
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Re: Deadly needs, Co dependency and Forgiveness

Post by Hopeful731 » Sat Dec 23, 2017 5:45 am

Great share, thank you.

I completely identify. I started working on my codependency when I realized how bad it was 6 years ago. At that time, it was unrelated to a qualifier of addiction, but a discovery in my own sobriety. What's still interesting to me is how ingrained codependency is, and that even with the work I had done with my sponsor (in CoDa), more is always being revealed.

The beauty in this is my experience, I now have enough self awareness to see through the eyes of a noncodependent, whereas back then, codependency was all I knew. I didn't have glasses. My parents were also closet dysfunctionals, and I gravitated toward relationships with people who were way more dysfunctional so I could feel better.

Now, as I look back on my formative years, I have made peace with that time period. My parents did the best they could with what they had, and although my journey has been a rollercoaster, I would not be where or who I am today if I changed any of it. Years ago I would have wished to change it all. Today I don't because I see it differently...the love I have for others, I now also have for myself, and that makes all the difference in the world.

Thanks again for your post.

wheretoturn
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Re: Deadly needs, Co dependency and Forgiveness

Post by wheretoturn » Sun Dec 24, 2017 7:50 pm

Diane,
This post could have been written by me, and my feelings about myself.
Thank you so much. I need to work on forgiveness!
Vicki

wheretoturn
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Re: Deadly needs, Co dependency and Forgiveness

Post by wheretoturn » Sun Dec 24, 2017 7:50 pm

Diane,
This post could have been written by me, and my feelings about myself.
Thank you so much. I need to work on forgiveness!
Vicki

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