Help

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

Moderator: Moderators

Post Reply
User avatar
rosegold
Posts: 11
Joined: Thu Oct 29, 2015 12:34 pm
Location: Colorado
option_firstname: Rose

Help

Post by rosegold » Thu Dec 21, 2017 3:13 pm

Help - I have been a lurker on this forum for a long time and have read a lot of other people's questions and SO many helpful answers. I am asking for help now. My AD has been an addict for most of her life, she's 32 now. For Mother's Day, I got a collect call from jail (not the first time for her to be in jail). She got cleaned up in jail and swore that she would get clean. I helped pay for a sober home for about 3 months and she got booted out of there for not attending meetings. Just another attempt in a long line of attempts to get clean. There's a program that will take addicts for 2 years that provides housing, jobs, meetings, etc. She has been admitted twice--the longest time she was there was 2 weeks when she called her buddies to come pick her up--not only did they pick her up -- they brought some dope and shot up with her in the parking lot.

Her latest drama included calling me at 2 am to say she was being kicked out of the friend's house where she had been staying. To make a very long story short, she was taken to the psych ward (because she was suicidal) and they ran a blood test that showed high levels of cocaine, heroin, meth and weed. She had been on suboxone and took a week's worth all at one time including the other drugs. Now she is in detox calling me for help and here's why I need help - she says that if I don't help her she is not able to get clean on her own - she's incapable of doing so and if I don't help her (i.e., pay for a sober home) it's going to kill her. She tells me that I will be killing her. I told her that all prior attempts have ended the same way - with her relapsing and not taking responsibility for her actions.

I know I'm doing what's right for both of us but it scares me anyway - if she does die from an overdose, will I regret my actions and wonder what would have happened if I caved to her demands? Thank you for any words of wisdom.

DeanW
Posts: 1586
Joined: Fri Jul 27, 2012 10:58 am
option_firstname:

Re: Help

Post by DeanW » Thu Dec 21, 2017 3:37 pm

No words of wisdom - I wish I had some...but....

My experience, personally and via friends, is that until the addicted person truly wants to be sober they will not do the work that it takes to accomplish this. It's hard work.

It's got to hurt hearing your daughter tell you that - when you know she is the one who has the power to turn her life around - Only she has the power to get sober and stay sober. You cannot control that. And, yet, she's telling you that if you do not do a certain thing - it is going to kill her.

My boundaries about money are short and sweet. If I want to do it and I have the money - I will do it. BUT, I will only if I have ZERO expectations and sometimes I can't pass that test. My husband tries to put conditions on giving money - I have found that never works. I look at anything I give my daughter as a gift with no expectations of anything in return.

Please keep reading. Just that step helped me so much in the beginning. God bless.

User avatar
rosegold
Posts: 11
Joined: Thu Oct 29, 2015 12:34 pm
Location: Colorado
option_firstname: Rose

Re: Help

Post by rosegold » Thu Dec 21, 2017 4:02 pm

Thank you so much for answering my desperate post - I think that's the problem - I DO have the money and have spent it in the past and I know that's why she expects it now. I feel I have come to the end of my road and I have no expectations for her further improvement but I don't want to pay for another futile attempt at sobriety. I love her very much and I guess my question is -- do I love her enough to let her go? Am I ready to pay for her funeral knowing I could have extended that another month?

I know these are questions only I can answer.

User avatar
SDIN2T
Posts: 734
Joined: Sat Nov 15, 2014 1:13 pm
Location: Desert SW
option_firstname: JR

Re: Help

Post by SDIN2T » Thu Dec 21, 2017 5:10 pm

Based on my experience, your daughter is correct that she cannot get clean herself. That's why there is NA - Recovering addicts help using addicts get clean - but only when they are ready.

In my case, I know that every time I give money to my addicts - I am killing them because they rarely use the money for whatever lie they told me they needed it for. Seems counter intuitive.

By NOT giving money to my addicts, I am allowing them to figure it out themselves, and maybe someday, they may hit their rock bottom and decide on recovery. I live knowing that my addicts can die of an overdose, but why would I want to help them overdose by giving them money to buy drugs (even though that's not what they told me the money was for)?

I cannot parent my addicts into recovery, nor can I buy their recovery.

:JR
And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

User avatar
simplemom
Posts: 1216
Joined: Fri Nov 13, 2009 10:59 am
Location: Long Island
option_firstname:

Re: Help

Post by simplemom » Thu Dec 21, 2017 5:40 pm

I have a 32 yr old son. He has been in and out detox facilities, rehabs, IOP's and sober living housing....mostly on our dime. He has had yrs of abstinence only to succumb to the love of the drug. Love of the drug meant more than love of family. We have run out of money....retiring and I am NOT throwing my money for my future to drugs. BTDT..sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Working this program, slowly gave me the strength and courage to say NO and let him figure it out.

F2F meetings, working the steps, investing in literature have given me the strength and courage to do what is in my best interests.

What I think I become. My happiness lies with me and not what my son does. I turn my attitude towards love and compassion and a firm belief in a power greater than myself.

My son amazes me when I can let it go. I thank this program for the new vocabulary that helps me to allow my son to live his life instead of my mind planning a funeral. BTDT, too. It is a neighborhood in my mind I stay away from.

Keep coming back!
Karen (simplemom)
"I am not afraid of storms, I am learning to sail my own ship."
Louise May Alcott

User avatar
rosegold
Posts: 11
Joined: Thu Oct 29, 2015 12:34 pm
Location: Colorado
option_firstname: Rose

Re: Help

Post by rosegold » Thu Dec 21, 2017 6:40 pm

Thank you so much everybody for your words of wisdom - they are soothing my heartsick soul. I too am retired and can't afford to continue to shell out money forever. She also has been in detox facilities (numerous times, they can stay there 72 hours at a time), rehabs, psychiatric hospitals, sober living homes, homes with friends who are recovering (and those who are not).

Thank you for the reminders that addicts have other addicts to help them work the program. Thank you for the reminders to read my literature, go to meetings, and to keep coming back.

Thank you my dear friends.

MarieW
Posts: 2438
Joined: Fri Aug 24, 2012 7:10 pm
Location: SF Bay Area, CA
option_firstname:

Re: Help

Post by MarieW » Thu Dec 21, 2017 7:47 pm

A phrase that really helped me when I was first starting in this program is "Nothing changes if nothing changes". If I keep doing the same thing (rescuing my son, paying his bills, putting my financial and emotional health at risk) than I will likely keep getting the same results. He won't change and I will become even more unhealthy and resentful.

Change is HARD. The thing about setting healthy boundaries is that they almost always require ME to change, not other people. But if I expect my son to do the right, but hard, stuff, than so do I. Of course I slip sometimes, but it does get easier.

Keep coming back.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

User avatar
rosegold
Posts: 11
Joined: Thu Oct 29, 2015 12:34 pm
Location: Colorado
option_firstname: Rose

Re: Help

Post by rosegold » Thu Dec 21, 2017 7:51 pm

MarieW wrote:
Thu Dec 21, 2017 7:47 pm
A phrase that really helped me when I was first starting in this program is "Nothing changes if nothing changes". If I keep doing the same thing (rescuing my son, paying his bills, putting my financial and emotional health at risk) than I will likely keep getting the same results. He won't change and I will become even more unhealthy and resentful.

Change is HARD. The thing about setting healthy boundaries is that they almost always require ME to change, not other people. But if I expect my son to do the right, but hard, stuff, than so do I. Of course I slip sometimes, but it does get easier.

Keep coming back.
Yes change IS hard. Thank you for reminding me that I only have control over my own actions and no one else's.

Ma1954
Posts: 207
Joined: Tue Mar 03, 2015 9:47 am
option_firstname:

Re: Help

Post by Ma1954 » Fri Dec 22, 2017 12:38 am

TYFS. You are not alone. I have put myself in emotional and financial harm by trying to help my AS. He often tells me he's going to kill himself. Which person do I save. Anything I have ever done to "save" him has not worked. I need to save me. And this is where those boundaries have to be firmly in place. I am going to block the phone calls. Keep coming back. People help you here. Hugs. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 2 guests