Thought I was better...

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Thought I was better...

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Thu Dec 21, 2017 12:54 pm

I thought I was doing better....getting stronger....handing it over to God. I took today off from work so I could finish up my Christmas shopping while the kids are in school and I’m a train wreck. Not the crazy train because I have no ALO under my roof but that’s just it. He’s not here...he won’t be here for kids will ask about him. I just walked the aisles of Walmart fighting back tears. I thought I had this...but a wave of “not sure I got this” has come over me. Perhaps it’s the first down time I’ve had to myself in a while...reality hits. It just sucks. Thanks for listening.

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Re: Thought I was better...

Post by jeanette » Thu Dec 21, 2017 1:48 pm

I understand -

I still can get totally overwhelmed -
I had a full blown panic attack in Walmart the other day
everyone is buying gifts and planning to be with Loved Ones

I have very few gifts to buy (all the kids need is money)
I will spend the day with parents and siblings

but there are still days of overwhelming
sadness, choices

change moves me forward -
because I do not want to go back to where I was
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

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Re: Thought I was better...

Post by endoftheroad » Thu Dec 21, 2017 3:00 pm

I soooo understand your hurt and big hugs to you girl!!! You are not alone, we are right here with you :) :)
The holidays are really not Norman Rockwell for anyone on this Earth anymore! And mostly kids do forget and forgive and do love presents and holiday candy just the same!
This will be our 4th Christmas without my darling addicted son. I miss the illusion of what he could be really. And he truly is NOT someone I want to share a holiday with :o :o no matter what anyone else may think.
It has taken me 4 Christmas's to let go of my pipedream. My husband and I have spent to many precious hours in sadness. When we discovered how powerless we were over his addiction, our eyes opened to our own power to be happy. We learned to live for today, to do what was and is good for us and to let go of the world's expectations of what we should do and be! This is hard work!
So, finally this year, we are vacating the house where everyone had many Christmas's and going to the ocean for a few days over Christmas. We have sent our gifts, seen our grandchild and a few of my most favorite relatives and that is that! Keep it simple!
I have learned to change traditions, refine my life, to be particular and to always smile inwardly!

You DO have this! Cry the tears! Honor your feelings and then move on into the light! For me everyday without an addict and their drama is a gift!
Peace sister. The day will come and go and your will be just fine ;) ;)
This is the easier softer way.....

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Re: Thought I was better...

Post by DeanW » Thu Dec 21, 2017 7:10 pm

I had a similar experience today at a store today. Then tonight I found myself staring at the tree, lost in thought.

It gets better - I promise. And, your children are amazingly resilient. Stability of even one parent goes a long, long way. And, I think it is "normal" that some days you feel like you're moving forward and then others you feel defeated. Christmas season can be hard on the strongest person. God bless.

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Re: Thought I was better...

Post by vscook » Thu Dec 21, 2017 7:26 pm

I understand. I remember the first Christmas we spent without my husband. He was deep in his addiction to alcohol and did not want to celebrate with our extended family. I took my daughter to visit my family and his. It would not have been fair to ruin her holiday because of his issues.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

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Re: Thought I was better...

Post by Ma1954 » Fri Dec 22, 2017 12:58 am

TYFS. This addiction thing is so much like going thru the grief after the death of a loved one, but it doesn't end. after my first husbands death I busied myself with so much work etc. I didn't take the time to grieve. When I had some time to myself I had to face that 'darkness'. I am so sorry for your sadness. This time of year is very hard. We see all kinds of festive joy stuff in the stores but our lives can be a living hell. I am trying to be happy. Keep working my program, if I can get myself together. You are not alone. Hugs. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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Re: Thought I was better...

Post by hopefulNE » Fri Dec 22, 2017 1:16 am

I can relate to the tears in the store!
I went through a period of"grieving" for my AD for months, when I couldn't get through a trip to the grocery store without seeing a beautiful little girl and having to choke back the tears. All the lost potential, all the dreams that would never AD is still here with us, but her (and our) life is different than I ever would have dreamed.
It does get better. I can now get through a trip to the grocery store with just smiles (mostly.) But it was a process and it took a while.
And I still feel the sad feelings, but they don't take over my life the way they used to. I can eat, sleep, and function. Developing a life of gratitude had a lot to do with that. Coming here, meeting, reading, working on the steps...
Please be kind to yourself, and enjoy the holiday with your children.
"Keep Calm and Carry On" - British Ministry of Information, WWII

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Re: Thought I was better...

Post by Suejan » Fri Dec 22, 2017 3:10 am

My first Christmas with addiction in my life- I spent Christmas day in a theater with my husband and my Mother. i cried through most of the movie. But it was dark, loud and surprisingly anonymous. And it was all I could handle.
I gave up on my previous “Tricia Romance” ( a Canadian artist) Christmas attempts that year- and 4 Christmas’s later I have not gone back.
I have still spent the day with my husband and parents- but low key- small table tree, no gifts, easy dinner.
I still take some time out for remembering years past with my ALO, shed some tears, but the difference is that the sadness is tempered with acceptance and gratitude for what I do have, and those still in my life to share family time with.
It never goes away, but it becomes Tolerable, and you find ways to make it work for you:)

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Re: Thought I was better...

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Fri Dec 22, 2017 1:37 pm

Thank you all for your replies with comfort, relatability and encouragement. We spent Thanksgiving in the movie theater and plan to just embrace Christmas at home.

My AH plans to go with his mom to visit his grandparents and family in the mountains. If I jump into my analysis brain I think it’s good that he’s choosing to spend the holiday with his extended family versus the enablers that he’s chosen to aid in the destruction of his life and with whom he currently resides. Nearly all of them have jumped on the crazy train in anticipation of his arrival. It’s the first time since he was 16 that he’s gone to visit without me. Now they’re feeling the anxieties I always dealt with. It could go could go badly...I figure either way is good and not in my bubble at this point, and I can just sit with my coffee Christmas morning and watch the kids open the gifts I tearfully wrapped. I’m hopeful that their trip will go well and perhaps provide some calmness to my heart during the holiday. I’m saddened that these are the circumstances and the kids and I aren’t making the trip with him but that wouldn’t be acceptable in his current situation. It’s all the unknowns... walking the journey alone and constant reminders of the situation and him not being here. It’s really really really difficult. Events coming up post Christmas like my daughters surgery, my grandmas funeral, and the every day reminders I’m on my own like financially or stuck in traffic being late to pick up the kids because no one else can get them...

It is a grieving process. And with maintaining some hope at the same time it’s even more difficult but encouraging at the same time. I’ve often thought a death may be easier to handle than this process.... but I know that’s not true.

So, I pray. I read. I hand it over and pray some more.

Let’s get these next few days behind us and maybe enjoy some of it along the way or cry and push threw...regardless we get through it right? I never understood someone dreading this time of year until youve experienced it like this.

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