The Rent

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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The Rent

Post by Ma1954 » Wed Dec 20, 2017 12:51 am

I have been trying to stay in my own boundaries. Today my ALO is texting me that he is being locked out of his apartment. I gave him rent for December so he would have a place for Christmas. He just informed me he spent it on a lawyer and other things. I feel so awful. I can't help him money wise and he can't live with me, my husband hates him. It's so hopeless. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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Re: The Rent

Post by Suejan » Wed Dec 20, 2017 3:11 am

Im so sorry. You did everything you could to help him keep a roof over his head this month. He made the decision to use the money elsewhere. Maybe its a good time to learn money doesnt grow on trees and is not unlimited. Just maybe if he has to take responsibility for his actions- and figure out his own solutions- maybe he can get a little closer to taking responsibility for his own life?
How many times are you willing to give money for the same thing over and over again? I realized I was going crazy when I would buy something once for my son, only to buy the item back for him from the pawn shop- dealer- whatever. I paid for the same item three or four times- how nuts was that? I didnt pawn it- why would I continue to buy it back?
No wonder he thought he could continue to use me as a bank:(
Until he couldnt!
Good luck

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Re: The Rent

Post by Hopefulmom » Wed Dec 20, 2017 10:41 am

Speaking of excuses for money,I told my daughter at the family meeting,if she ate all the food that I sent her money for,she would weigh 500+ lbs.Also,I probably paid for enough car batteries to power a small city.For me it was learning the hard way.I have learned addiction doesn't care about my reasons for not giving money,caring is not relevant,only the outcome for them,money to feed the addiction.

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Re: The Rent

Post by DianeB » Wed Dec 20, 2017 10:46 am

I kept giving money, paying for things, trying to soften the blow as long as I was under
the illusion that anything I did would miraculously fix him. This was about control.

I was trying to fix, rescue and save him from the harsh world and believing that THIS
time would make the difference.

I did this for years and years. Went broke doing it. NOTHING ever worked.

When I finally woke up and allowed the natural consequences of his actions to hit him,
he did begin to wake up.

I made it easy for him to stay an addict. I participated in his addiction and possible in
his eventual death. I gave him the tools to use drugs. All in the name of love. Which,
by the way wasn't really the name. The name was truthfully guilt.

When I stopped, when the natural consequences of his actions smacked him hard and Mom
didn't jump to help, he began the process of "hitting bottom". One of many bottoms. But
this time he finally surrendered. The consequences hit him from all sides and he had enough.

Consider that you just might be doing the same thing. Each dollar, each rent, each electirc bill,
each car payment....etc., all allow him to stay in addiction. Is that what you want.

Dealing with my guilt, my shame, my part in it all helped me to grow and to actually be a
support to him.

Got a sponsor? Got regular meetings? Might want to find one of each.

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Re: The Rent

Post by whatnow65 » Wed Dec 20, 2017 5:15 pm

Maybe provide him with the names & #'s for local shelters where he can get a meal and have a bed. Until we let them sleep in the bed they've made (or lost) nothing changes. @Suejan is right on.

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Re: The Rent

Post by endoftheroad » Wed Dec 20, 2017 11:51 pm

I remember this struggle so well a few years ago! What worked for me after a lot of money bleed was to pay the landlord outright. It was a boundary for me! "Sure I can help you honey, so give me your landlord's address and I'll send in the rent for this month."

It it happened again, and it did, I had to learn to say, "I am not willing to do this at this time."

Like others have said, and we don't give advise here,but our ALO's do not learn the good lessons of life unless they can become accountable.

I babied my son until he was 25! Gad, I even bought his underwear :o LOL!

Unfortunately, my son spends most of his time couch surfing, in tent cities and shelters! But guess what, he actually is quite good at navigating the system!

And bonus here, I have money in my pocket.

For me, if he was truly to show me that he wanted honest and complete recovery, I would help him, but never hand him money in his hot little hand!

Keep coming back!
This is the easier softer way.....

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Re: The Rent

Post by Ma1954 » Thu Dec 21, 2017 7:38 am

Thank you for all the shares. It does help. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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Re: The Rent

Post by hope1 » Fri Dec 22, 2017 2:00 am

They are more resilient and capable then we think. My daughter told me all kinds of hardship dilemmas in order to get me to feel badly and help her out. Rent, cab, gas money, parking tickets, new clothes for the jobs she could not keep more then a couple of weeks. On and on it went. She told me in her recovery that she would say anything to get what she wanted as the disease is selfish and only cares about feeding the need. I used to believe and convince myself that if i didnt help her she would be living in a tent on the streets. I had a tendancy to go to the worst case scenario all the time and even if it did happen it was her choices that led her to living in a tent. My worst fear did not come true, she did find her way to recovery with many many bumps in the road to this day but she is trying and learning as am I.

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Re: The Rent

Post by flash » Fri Dec 22, 2017 7:38 am

It's amazing how reading this can bring up all the confusion and fears that I felt over and over when my son had similar situations to this.
I can literally feel it in my gut which was always the first place in my body to react. I can feel it like it is happening.
No advice as we all have to make those tough decisions at the time based on what we feel is best.
I could tell you my story of what I did but I certainly can't say it was right or wrong. I don't believe there is a right or wrong when it comes to loving an addict. There is pain and heartache, then there is acceptance and eventually there is some light as we start working our program.

I gave my son money, clothes, rent, phones, God you name it over and over and over again.
The stories were endless.

I cut back, then I stopped.
I don't really know how I finally stopped but boy did it hurt.
My heart hurt so much but I kept coming on here and others reminded me that I needed to learn to be comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.
I gave and gave for much longer than I should have and I only know that now because I felt so much resentment.
When I felt resentment after giving something then my head knew it wasn't right for me.
I had to live with that for a long time. I look back knowing that I was digging the hole a little deeper for my son to jump in when I finally stopped.
Forgiving myself for enabling my son to continue using is something that I have had to work through doing my steps.
None of this is easy. Accepting that this is our path and they have their path is difficult.
I hope you find peace in whatever decisions you make on this road.
Love, Donna

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Re: The Rent

Post by rosegold » Fri Dec 22, 2017 1:19 pm

From SESH page 134 May 13: "I gave with expectations. My giving and what I thought was love had strings attached."

I, too, have given money for rent, gas, phones, rehabs, etc. Nar-Anon is helping me to realize that my "helping" is actually hurting instead of moving towards the goal of recovery for me and my ALO. I felt resentment and anger when I was giving money or paying for things I knew my ALO should have been paying for herself. I know I still have a lot of work to do.

From SESH page 27, Jan 27: "By attending Nar-Anon meetings, I learned and accepted that addiction is an illness and the addict was not the only one suffering from the disease of addiction. I too was suffering from the effects of addiction. With the loving support of my Nar-Anon family group and my acceptance that my Higher Power could do for me what I could not do for myself, I became ready to take the action needed to make my life manageable."

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