So Lost

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Hopeful14
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So Lost

Post by Hopeful14 » Tue Dec 19, 2017 7:13 pm

I am so lost right now. My Boyfriend relapsed again. This time was three day Binge. I don't know how to handle these relapses. Should I be saying something or just be silent. I was scared this time. I wasn't angry but just felt really emotionless. Now he is in the depression stage. Where he can't stand being around people and sees no purpose in his life. He refuses to see anyone and just says he will bcome fine. I don't want to sound selfish and I'm sure I do but I am
Angry at him for this attitude. He kills any happiness I may feel. He commented that i wasn't very christmasy this year (this is my fav time of year). And I was thinking. What does he exepect. He is always so negative. The man I met was so caring and would put others first. Now it's all about what he wants and he has no consideration for anyone else. I am sorry I know this post is everywhere but I just don't know about anything anymore.

I know there is no clear answer but what is the Approptiate reaction to a relapse how should I act and what should I be doing.

DeanW
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Re: So Lost

Post by DeanW » Tue Dec 19, 2017 7:25 pm

Good question - but, there really is no "appropriate" reaction that would fit with every situation.

My ESH - it took me many, many years to truly internalize the saying, "Say what you mean; mean what you say; don't say it mean" - Believe me, this is hard to do. I've found for my own sanity and well being that I have to remain very calm. My experience tells me that people who are actively addicted or have recently relapsed or in early recovery - really don't care much what others say anyway.

Also, I am still a work in progress on this one - but, no one should have the power to take away my joy of a celebration, such as Christmas. It probably is true that the addicted person is self centered and only interested in his own desires and exhibits no consideration for others...this is why there is so much emphasis on self care. God bless.

hope1
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Re: So Lost

Post by hope1 » Tue Dec 19, 2017 10:31 pm

I to had to really incorporate say what you mean , mean what you say but dont say it mean into my interactions with my addicted daughter. Relapses are very difficult and stressful but i have learned not to dwell on it. Its her mess to clean up, i don't give advice, direction, long winded emotion filled speeches as it was exhausting and didn't change a thing. She knows what she needs to do to get herself back on track and its all up to her. I ontinue to love her and thats it. I now turn to myself and do my best to focus on my own program and recovery so that i dont relapse right along side and start up my old controlling, monitoring behaviours. Reading material, rest, meetings, keeping busy all help me to stay focused.

Lem3
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Re: So Lost

Post by Lem3 » Wed Dec 27, 2017 8:53 pm

Hello - my bf just replased and is currently on day 2 of his binge. I didn't react or handle it very well. Things I need to work on. I know that there will be bumps in the road but it all happened quickly. I kicked him out of the house and told him he couldn't come back until he was sober. He can't be in this house like that. I think it just scared me because of my resentfulness of the past. Back then I was such an enabler and put me in such a financial mess. He got counseling, got clean and we got back on the right track and then one mistake I felt myself back to that mess all over again. I think that's why I really lashed out. Its just so scary at times. Thanks for listening

Hopeful14
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Re: So Lost

Post by Hopeful14 » Thu Dec 28, 2017 8:23 am

My bfs relapse has been going on for over two weeks now. Two days before Christmas he consumed a lots of cocaine and was so out of it he wet his bed. He told me that was it he was done and begged for help to get clean. Together we got in touch with an addication facility and left a message to set up an appointment. . On Christmas his brother in law (one of his dealers) came. I let my guard down and thought no way he was serious last time so he wouldn't touch it. Boy was I wrong. Again he begged for help. We talked and he wanted to go to a CA meeting. It's arranged for Friday. Then last night him and the brother in law took his family from England out. He told me the brother in law was using but he was not. I'm torn I want to believe him but history makes that very hard. Again tonight they have to take this family out to the bar where the brother in law will be and the other dealer. I told him my concerns and he said no way he will do anything. Again I don't know. I know I can't control him but this is killing me. I don't sleep and I worry all the time. It is not healthy. I know that. How do I stop though. I hate these cycles. Sorry again for sounding like a broken record. I'm just very tired.

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HollyTx
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Re: So Lost

Post by HollyTx » Thu Dec 28, 2017 9:26 am

Hi Hopeful14,

(((HUGS)))

I came to a place where it did not matter whether my ALO was using or not - what mattered was his behavior around me. After all, if he was using, but polite, courteous and functional - what could I complain about? And, conversely, if he was clean but treating me and the family like dirt, that was not acceptable. So I moved from the place of, "Is he using?" to the place of, "I'm sorry, this behavior is not acceptable around me. I'm going to take some space."

Coming here helped. Coming to meetings here and F2F helped. That reminded me that the insanity that is addiction did not need to be my life.

Holly

Hopeful14
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Re: So Lost

Post by Hopeful14 » Thu Dec 28, 2017 10:34 am

Thanks Holly. I am trying to get there. Some days are better then others. One day at a time. I pray he goes to the CA meeting and talkes to the addiction centre.

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DianeB
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Re: So Lost

Post by DianeB » Thu Dec 28, 2017 1:32 pm

I don't think that there really is an appropriate response.

I don't walk in your shoes so I certainly can't tell you what would be appropriate.

I can tell you that I learned what responses were appropriate for me by finding my core boundaries.

Boundaries protect us. Boundaries say that a behavior is not OK with you and you will not tolerate it.

For instance....I cannot tolerate anyone in my home being high and/or using drugs. If you do that, I will ask you to leave.

My boundaries say that I love you very much but I cannot live with your behavior.

What is your bottom line...what behaviors can you not tolerate?

Nothing you say or do will either cause him to use or stop him from using. When I learned that, I learned to focus on myself and my own boundaries. I learned to protect my peace, my home, my serenity and my life.

I hope you can find a meeting near you. Go to nar-anon.org for a listing. It is so helpful to find others who know exactly what you are feeling and have walked the pathway themselves.

Claytonmomof2
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Re: So Lost

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Thu Dec 28, 2017 3:41 pm

Boundaries can play such an important role in protecting ourselves physically, emotionally, etc... from the effects of our addicts. Not always easy to establish and implement but worth it and usually necessary has been my experience.

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grateful
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Re: So Lost

Post by grateful » Sat Dec 30, 2017 7:19 pm

I understand feeling lost and uncertain. I've felt that way many times - especially when faced with things I didn't want to experience. It helped me to write down (not type it, but write it) everything I was truly feeling and thinking without edit, censor or worrying about grammar. I discovered there was a lot of anger, bitterness and hurt stored within me and not all of it had to do with my As. The more I wrote (and shared it with a trusted other sometimes), the happier I became. Keep coming back. We've been there.
Seek beauty

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