Husband still enables

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Husband still enables

Post by Joanna09 » Tue Dec 19, 2017 4:48 pm

My 30 year old daughter who has been using for at least 12 years and been in jail two times is now harassing us again. I have detached but my husband cannot find the strength to say no. He helps her in so many ways and gives her money. She is nasty and verbally abusive. I am losing my respect for him as he tells her this is the last time and it never is and she knows it. I cannot deal with him anymore. I am suffering from stress related illnesses and still he decides to give her money. My fear is that she will show up on Christmas and demand money. She can be violent and has been in the past. She has not lived with us for four years. I am at my wits end with my husband and my daughter but it is him who I am furious with. Has anyone had this situation?

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Re: Husband still enables

Post by hope4today » Tue Dec 19, 2017 6:20 pm

A warm welcome to the forum. So glad you found us.

I understand completely. My husband was the ultimate enabler. We were never on the same page in dealing with our son and it often infuriated me. I then realized he had to reach a place within himself, just as I had, to face his fears and let go. I was trying to force the pace, which was selfish and controlling of me. In his own time, he was eventually able to stop enabling.

Keep coming back. You will gain strength, courage, and clarity, one day at a time.

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Re: Husband still enables

Post by lbogie » Tue Dec 19, 2017 6:39 pm

Hi Joanna,
Yes, I can relate. I have "program", Hubby has trickle down snippets. Our Son is in jail and has been since last November and hasn't physically been part of our lives for a few years. He's been homeless etc...... It's really hard to work my program but I need to remember that I can not control ANYone (including my Hubby) but myself. It's a Program for US. I do catch myself alot. It's hard. Bring the focus back to US. I have boundaries that are for me and sometimes my Hubby doesn't quite understand ie not speaking with Son each and every time he calls. I/you/we need to do what is best for us and our recovery.

I do understand and wish you Peace. Keep coming back for YOU.
“It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”

― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

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Re: Husband still enables

Post by DeanW » Tue Dec 19, 2017 7:30 pm

Sadly, we cannot rush another's understanding of "contributing" to our loved one's addiction...My husband is a kind and gentle man who was in a profession in which he made decisions and carried out goals, etc. He often gets ahead of me as far as what I am willing to do or feel it wise to do. And, normally, he has expectations attached...(huge no no!) - So, yeah, I experience this to a degree. We're fortunate in that we haven't experienced violence or the constant demands for money...however, a long time ago a post here caused me to put in place (privately) a boundary for that very thing. Be careful...God bless.

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Re: Husband still enables

Post by risingstar » Wed Dec 20, 2017 1:13 pm

In my case, AS is a stepson and husband sends money, travels there for crises and generally steps in for bail money and so on.
Stepson lives in another city), and is 48 years old. Husband has 2 other sons, we have 1 daughter, each of which get the same Christmas amount (which we can afford). Husband insists money sent to stepson must be equal to others. This has been going on for about 10 years, despite my disagreement. I feel as though I am supporting stepson's drug addition, not to mention terrorism, crime cartels, and other problematic issues.Unless I file for financial separation, I am unable to stop this cycle.

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