What am I supposed to be doing right now

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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What am I supposed to be doing right now

Post by Rhonda » Tue Dec 19, 2017 1:35 pm

My 20yo RAD came home last week after six months away in her first rehab and sober living homes. She hit a deer and car needs fixed. She's been asking to come home for a couple months to get away from all the dysfunctional people, the temptations (I know of at least three uses) and to save money to live with her new bf in a regular apt. I kept saying no. Partly because I know she needs to deal with this stuff, addicts help addicts, she has her final court to dismiss a felony in three weeks provided she's in a recovery situation, and honestly I didn't want to lose my peace I found without her.

Well my BF who doesn't believe in our programs and thinks it's just bad parenting, went and got her and car and now thinks he can control it all and fix her. I've done argued myself out and I know I can't control either one of them nor do I want to. I'm ok with letting consequences fall as they may. I know what I need to do for myself. They will each learn what they need to. I'm careful he isn't pushing it onto me and he works directly with her and not through me, and same for her.

I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something. What am I supposed to be doing for my daughter? Do I encourage her to get up and look for work? To go to meetings? Does she need a doctor care? I know I need to drive her a few weeks until her car is fixed. I'm ok with that. I also know she is responsible for her own care. But is she capable of that? She seems perfectly happy and just fine. I know she used heroin a week ago but I don't see any effects. I have tried to talk about her needs and she either says she's fine or she really doesn't care. I haven't forced any conversations. Just random comments or questions. I sense she is holding it all in and ready to explode. She's not arguing about anything and going along with whatever. She seems fake happy. What kind of care was she getting where she was? Do I need to replace it? I loved the Flashlight post. Should I be shining it somewhere?

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Re: What am I supposed to be doing right now

Post by SDIN2T » Tue Dec 19, 2017 2:07 pm

After working on my recovery through the steps, I finally accepted that I cannot continue to parent my adult kids, and that is true for my 3 non-addict kids as well as my 2 addicted kids. If finally realized I couldn't treat them like children by scolding them, offering unwanted opinions, or telling them what they should or should not do. I may disagree with the decisions the 5 of them make, but they are all adults and are perfectly capable of living with the consequences of their choices.

Maybe I was fortunate that I left the house of my upbringing at 20 years old and moved 2000mi away and started my life. My parents never tried to control my decisions or give me their $0.02 when I didn't ask for it.

Of course it's always harder when dealing with my 2 addicts. I want to tell them everything they need to do so they can get into recovery. But I know I can't parent them into recovery. I have to step aside and let them live their own life regardless how much I disagree with it.

Should you be shining your flashlight somewhere else? Perhaps. But maybe someone else is holding the flashlight for you to see something.
And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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Re: What am I supposed to be doing right now

Post by MarieW » Tue Dec 19, 2017 2:21 pm

I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something.
I totally understand that need to do something, anything to make things better. I blame it on our flight or flight response. It is easier to either fight, which usually means getting involved in something that is none of my business, or flee by isolating and feeling sorry for myself. It goes against my natural instincts to just sit with the situation, accept it and then go on with my life.

What I can do: go to a meeting, focus on my life, appreciate my relationships just as they are today.

When I was first here, someone told me that the only three things it was appreciate to say to adult children, besides "I love you", are:

Wow, that's great!
I'm sorry that happened to you.
I know you will figure it out.

Variations of those three phrases have served me well with my adult children, addict and not, even in the middle of the craziest drama.

Keep coming back.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

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