He's so mean...

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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DeadInside
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He's so mean...

Post by DeadInside » Mon Dec 18, 2017 5:48 pm

Addiction makes him the meanest person I've ever known. And the meaner he gets, the more he blames me... the more adamant he is that he's doing well. But I know in my gut that he isn't.

I would leave. I would run for my life. But he's in my home. MY house. Which is in my name. And the police have told me that he only has to leave after a 30-day eviction has been filed.

I can't live with him for 30 days after serving him an eviction. He will be unbearable.

I can't go stay somewhere else for 30 days after serving it or he'll destroy my home and sell my things.

I feel trapped.

Our bedroom (which is now his bedroom because he stays down there all the time and smokes cigarettes and it smells and looks awful) is full of holes. The door. The walls. Every time I tell him he can't have money or take the car, he starts destroying things... telling me he's going to die if I don't.

Today he threw the trash can when I told him not to take the car.

He's been to rehab before. And mental hospitals. I've just watched him decline steadily no matter what help he gets. Frankly I'm terrified of him. I don't think he'd ever hit me, but I think it's because he's too smart. He knows I could get a restraining order if he did.

He goes off on me... calls me a bitch... tells me he'll remember all this when he gets clean and he'll want nothing to do with me anymore... because ive changed.

I bought the house over a year ago. He has yet to pay a single bill. He takes my money... uses all my gas... talks to me like I'm nothing... but wants to believe I'm the bad guy.

I know he's an addict.

I know that t there's no reasoning with him.

I know what I'd tell someone else in my shoes. But they're MY shoes. And the complications are all right here in my face.

MarieW
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Re: He's so mean...

Post by MarieW » Mon Dec 18, 2017 6:02 pm

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. Addiction can turn our loved ones into monsters.

I am concerned for your safety. Have you contacted a local woman's shelter or violence prevention center? They can often point you in the direction of legal and other resources. Some health insurance providers also have domestic violence programs. it doesn't matter that he hasn't yet hit you. Violence, like addiction, is progressive.

Also, please find a face to face meeting (Nar-Anon or Al-Anon) in your area. They will help you feel less alone, and will become your rock as you move forward.

And keep coming back here. We understand and many of us have walked in your shoes.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

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Jade11
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Re: He's so mean...

Post by Jade11 » Mon Dec 18, 2017 7:15 pm

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I understand how you feel. My husband is an addict. I've experienced many of the same things.
I felt hopeless and trapped for a long time. One day I realized many years had gone by as I wavered in indecision. Time was still passing and things were not getting better. I had to start making some difficult choices for myself. For me this meant initiating divorce proceedings. The divorce was not finalized because my AH entered a rehab. But I know I have to continue making decisions based on MY safety and health first - whether that's physical, emotional or psychological.
I'm also concerned since you mentioned your ALO destroying things... and also wonder if you sought out a violence prevention center or hotline? Please do consider attending a F2F meeting in your area too. There is no Nar Anon here. I found support at Al Anon. It can really help to meet with others who understand. Keep coming back. xx

DeadInside
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Re: He's so mean...

Post by DeadInside » Mon Dec 18, 2017 7:40 pm

Thank you both so much for your kind words and concern. I've been doing some "Googling" into resources. I need to know that whatever I find will actually get him out or get me away and on my way to getting him out. I've called the police several times. (Let me also state that he has left several times to go get help... made promises, went into programs, cried, said he didn't want to lose me etc.) But this time it seems like my letting him back and believing he was well has only shown him that he doesn't really have to get better as long as he can keep up the charade. So now he's just... comfortable. (As comfortable as an addict can be, anyway. He's clearly miserable, but you know what I mean.)

Anyway, I called the police once because he overdosed, but he was up and moving by the time they got here. I called three other times because he was suicidal and crazed. Each time they got here he acted fine, and the police said his wounds were superficial and they couldn't take him unless he wanted to go. So they didn't do anything. Frankly, I am afraid to go to anyone for help... because I was lectured and yelled at for hours (days, really) each time they left. So my next move needs to be more permanent. I don't want to suffer anymore than I already am.

I guess I'm having a problem with the monster thing. Because I know he's not. He is (or WAS) a kind and gentle soul. But he's not him. Not right now. Maybe not ever. But definitely not until a lot of changes have been made and he can no longer utilize me, my money, and my car to keep him in his addiction.

Which means that I have to let go of the person I love. And accept that he is gone. More difficult, I think, is accepting that those glimpses I get of him are actually just an act... an act of manipulation to keep me around.

My problem is that I know what's happening. I see what needs to be done. I'm not in denial. I'm just frozen.

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jeanette
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Re: He's so mean...

Post by jeanette » Tue Dec 19, 2017 8:40 am

The house was in our name -
but I decided to leave -

yes when he was finally arrested and taken to jail
I came home to a mess
but that could be fixed, it was physical

my mental issues of co-dependence and looking at life through HIS skewed glasses that were years in the making took longer to fix.
but through nar-anon I was able to get to be me again.
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love
Jeanette

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

DeadInside
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Re: He's so mean...

Post by DeadInside » Tue Dec 19, 2017 3:27 pm

Maybe it's my pride... I can't bring myself to let him live in the house without me. It's not in our name. It's in mine. Just mine. And he's never paid a single bill. Never put money toward the mortgage. Not once.

Sigh. :(

I guess it makes sense though... my mental health and personal well-being are so much more important than all that.

It sounds twisted, but sometimes I wish he WOULD hit me so I could leave and feel justified in leaving once and for all. It's a line I won't let him cross. Nothing he could say, no amount of manipulation, would take it back. Idk. I feel like it would make things easier. Otherwise it's just these horrible dramatic mind games all the time.

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SDIN2T
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Re: He's so mean...

Post by SDIN2T » Tue Dec 19, 2017 4:03 pm

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know laws where you're living, but if it's your name only on the title to the house, how does your BF have any claim to stay? Seems like he's a guest whos time is up.

After my AW's first DUI, I threatened that if she took the car one more time while she was using/drinking, I would call the police and tell them she was a danger on the road. Shortly after my threat, she got a second DUI and lost her license. But she was in jail for awhile which gave me peace and clarity on my next moves.

:JR
And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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jeanette
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Re: He's so mean...

Post by jeanette » Tue Dec 19, 2017 4:32 pm

Just one more thought -

laws are different in different locations
and even thought Police Officers enforce laws

a Lawyer is the true person who can tell you what your options are.
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love
Jeanette

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

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lbogie
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Re: He's so mean...

Post by lbogie » Tue Dec 19, 2017 6:52 pm

When I read your post, the first thing that came to mind is how it is filled with the 3 A's.
Awareness
Acceptance
Action
None of this is "easy" but we must keep our own self preservation, first and foremost, a priority. Safety first. Glad you are here.
Keep coming back.
Hugs,
Lois
“It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”

― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

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