Question-please advise

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Anisama
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Question-please advise

Post by Anisama » Mon Dec 18, 2017 12:46 pm

Hi All,
I am a new member and I need some answers.... My partner admitted 6 months ago that she has a pot addiction. 4 months ago she quit. I have been smoking pot for years but only sporadically, I'll smoke once, won't touch it for weeks or months and then smoke again-I don't have an addiction to it.
The other day I smoked, not in front of her but she knew that I had. She then smoked herself, saying that she can't stay sober if I am high around her. I don't know if what I did was wrong. Should I always be sober around her even if I don't have the problem? Help. I want to do the right thing but also don't want to be co-dependent.
Thanks all for your guidance
Annie

Claytonmomof2
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Re: Question-please advise

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Mon Dec 18, 2017 1:09 pm

My husband doesn't face just one addiction, but he rotates through several. I try hard not to partake in any of the things that he has any addictive relation to. When he's active (not necessarily on a fall out) he will want me to partake....he wants me to go gambling with him, he wants me to have several drinks with him, etc... I get it - he wants to enjoy these things and know that I'm enjoying them with him. It takes the guilt away. But when it's a problem for him that I'm able to recognize I don't want any part of it.

He was in inpatient treatment earlier this year and I went to the family programs portion at the rehab. There was a gentleman there whose wife was in the facility and he faced the same questions. He didn't feel addicted to anything but he was a recreational user when he went out with his friends or played golf, etc... It was recommended to him that he no longer partake in such things if he truly wanted to help his wife through her addictions. That even him not doing it within the home but coming back with alcohol on his breathe or the smell of smoke on his clothes could easily trigger her.

Sometimes extreme measures are put into place to help resolve as many triggers as possible. I have a family friend who has been in recovery for a long time from alcohol and he even uses alcohol-free mouth wash so that the least bit on his mouth won't trigger him and this is probably after 20 years of sobriety under his belt.

Anisama
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Re: Question-please advise

Post by Anisama » Mon Dec 18, 2017 3:37 pm

Hi Claytonmonof2

Thank you for your response. I thought that maybe I was being co-dependent if I abstained as well. I appreciate your insight.

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vscook
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Re: Question-please advise

Post by vscook » Mon Dec 18, 2017 4:49 pm

Welcome to the forum. We do not give advice, but we do share our experience, strength & hope. One thing you will learn here is that you did not cause your loved ones addiction, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it. Your loved one will find lots of reasons to use. Keep coming back!
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

Anisama
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Re: Question-please advise

Post by Anisama » Mon Dec 18, 2017 7:27 pm

Thank you. I realize I don't cause her to use, but am I being unsupportive from my recreational use? That's what I want to understand. I appreciate that you don't give advice, and yet there must be ways that we support our loved ones through their addiction. Right? I would love to hear from others.....
Thank you.

hope1
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Re: Question-please advise

Post by hope1 » Mon Dec 18, 2017 11:59 pm

For myself, I never partake in any form of alcohol in the presence or if i have any plans to see my addicted daughter. I am a very light drinker anyways so could take it or leave it at any function. She says that it wouldn't bother her but it would bother me so i simply do not. Her addiction just about killed her and took me down with it. I have absolutely no desire to engage in anything that has caused so much pain. It simply isnt that important to me. Irregardless of whether i drink or not in her presence really has nothing to do with her relapsing , but it just does not feel comfortable to me.

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SDIN2T
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Re: Question-please advise

Post by SDIN2T » Tue Dec 19, 2017 11:34 am

For me, I have been drinking alcohol over 40 years. My days of getting drunk were over a long long long time ago, but I still have a beer or glass of wine occasionally. When my wife found a brief period of recovery from her addiction and alcoholism, I completely abstained from alcohol including when I went out with friends when she didn't come with.

I understand my wife's using/drinking is her problem and what I do or don't do is irrelevant to her recovery. For me, it was a personal choice to abstain and I did it out of respect to support my wife's recovery.

:JR
And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

Anisama
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Re: Question-please advise

Post by Anisama » Tue Dec 19, 2017 4:07 pm

Thank you all so much for contributing your stories. They really help me get a more complete picture. Being in relationship with an addict is very challenging. I don't know if I have the strength to ride the roller coaster with her..... We just recently got married and I would love to spend my life with her, but I'm worried now about all the issues, struggles, ups and downs around her addiction that may transpire. She has been trying to deal with it on her own too and I really hope she joins a support network.

DeanW
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Re: Question-please advise

Post by DeanW » Tue Dec 19, 2017 7:33 pm

I will add something similar. My husband and I do not drink in front of actually any of our adult children. It seemed odd to do with one and not another...so, we just don't. Fortunately, that's not a big deal for us...however, I understand your point...I actually decided not to do a rum cake that I would love to make because of this. Probably would have been ok, but yeah - addiction will cause all of us to think and re-think our own decisions. God bless.

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