Not working my program

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

Moderator: Moderators

Post Reply
Posts: 81
Joined: Mon Oct 16, 2017 8:01 pm

Not working my program

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Sun Dec 17, 2017 9:34 pm

It’s been a rough week... there have been certain things that I’ve implemented into my recovery and the majority of them haven’t happened this week as they regularly do. For many reasons...some of my own and some out of my control. So of course this week of all weeks I’d have an encounter with my ALO.

It’s been an emotional and anxiety filled week because i haven’t had the assurance and confidence I normally get from my various programs. So of course this week I would get some involvement with my ALO. I’ve implemented stiff boundaries and he’s been pushing them. He made a day out of pushing my boundaries and locating me and the kids to spend time with us. I’ve told him to not contact us unless he’s decided to turn his life around. I think he’s getting close but am confused by him pushing my boundary. It’s good he wants to see us so badly but yet doesn’t seem badly enough to get help. So we get dragged along yet again on the emotional rollercoaster.

We’ve talked about yet another in patient facility for him to go to.... he asked for the phone number to two contacts I have there as he threw the last one away. I’ve prayed and prayed for his recovery and I’ve worked hard on mine...well except this week... but now I’m scared out of my mind. I was so burned when rehab in August wasn’t successful. What if this one isn’t successful yet again? Then post-rehab he’d plan to come home and I’m not sure I can handle that. It’s scary to think about the road ahead regardless.

He’s mentioned to me several times he thinks we should move and get out of this place...away from the people places and things. I know this is common for addicts but I’m not sure relocating is best. It’ll only follow us. Anyone have any experiences with that?

Also I’ve reluctantly made plans...big travel plans for next year for my big birthday... and the thought of going so far away for a week with either an active addict or recovering addict at home is scary. How do I ever trust again?

The counselor from the last rehab said to stick to my boundaries no matter what (so now I feel I failed) and that this is the most difficult part of recovery....the right before seeking help.

I have all the emotions. I’m scared, I’m hopeful, I’m nervous, I’m excited, I’m sad, I’m happy....I’m ready to put this behind me and get a normal life back.

Thanks for listening.

User avatar
Posts: 577
Joined: Fri Jun 02, 2017 4:52 pm
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
option_firstname: Vicki

Re: Not working my program

Post by vscook » Sun Dec 17, 2017 10:32 pm

Moving to another area to escape their problems is not uncommon for alcoholics/addicts. It's called "pulling a geographic". There is even a joke about it: There should be a sign at every border that says "This state won't work either." :lol: Keep coming back!
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

User avatar
Posts: 1025
Joined: Tue Aug 25, 2009 1:38 pm
Location: West Virginia

Re: Not working my program

Post by jeanette » Mon Dec 18, 2017 9:31 am

I understand the boundary pushing -

My me, the only thing that worked with my husband was separation
I needed to work on me
getting me to be strong, to know who I am
to be the me that I am

then, if my husband was in recovery
and I liked the person he was in recovery
then maybe we could be together again

being a victim of his manipulation
and enabling him
was hard for me to break
and so for me to have the space, the distance
and to put the things in place so that I wouldn't slip back
into being the me I didn't want to be
separation was required

he didn't like it
it wasn't comfortable for him
but this was not about him
and, guess what?
it was darn uncomfortable for me too!

as for the geographic cure -
a story -

I accepted a project to work half the country away from home for a year, only getting to come home and visit every few weeks for a weekend -
my husband came to visit so we could vacation together - within 6 hours of arriving he found a supplier! Just my story!
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

User avatar
Posts: 901
Joined: Wed Dec 03, 2014 9:47 am
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
option_firstname: Ronni

Re: Not working my program

Post by Ronni » Mon Dec 18, 2017 10:20 am

He’s mentioned to me several times he thinks we should move and get out of this place...away from the people places and things. I know this is common for addicts but I’m not sure relocating is best. It’ll only follow us. Anyone have any experiences with that?
My RAS relapsed countless times. He's on a 3 year recovery streak this time, jft, and is proud of his progress. He lives in a completely different part of town than he used to, doesn't really hang out at the places he used to hang, and has little to no contact with many of his former friends who he has said were not good for his recovery. He's purposely chosen very differently in terms of his environment,friends etc., and has told me these new choices have helped in his recovery.

My personal opinion is that his addiction will always be with him....he will always be an addict and there's no escaping from that. On the other hand, I've observed that he's done things (like changing his environment etc) to support his recovery however he can. I get that. I think it's about triggers, something I certainly understand, as have a bunch of my own related to his addiction.
My son's addiction is something that happened TO HIM. It is NOT something he did TO ME.

Posts: 1586
Joined: Fri Jul 27, 2012 10:58 am

Re: Not working my program

Post by DeanW » Mon Dec 18, 2017 10:55 am

I'm adding my ditto to geographic changes are irrelevant.

My personal ESH - my husband and I actually left the country for two years to eastern Europe (no we didn't speak the language) - took our middle schooler to a place where there was no American School or anyone her age living there full time. We truly bailed out. Left great jobs. threw everything up in the air - to "get away" from some seemingly unsolvable problems in our lives. Our daughter who brought me here and her husband figured out how to get high in a country in which they couldn't speak the language and knew no one - and there were not many drugs there in the 90s.

User avatar
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Apr 10, 2017 4:58 pm
Location: Midwest

Re: Not working my program

Post by Jade11 » Mon Dec 18, 2017 3:42 pm

I agree with others about geographic location. We have not made a big move but we did move from the inner city to the suburbs a few years ago. My AH was convinced this would keep him away from his DOC. He gradually found his way back to the old places and he also found out where he could get his DOC around here. It wasn't the first time my AH tried to run away from his addiction. Before we married he worked and lived in different cities from the north to the south and back. He has said he was trying to run from addiction without realizing he carried it within. For my AH recovery comes when he is fully willing to put in the work on the inside. Keep coming back xx

User avatar
Posts: 1418
Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2012 7:49 am
Location: Red Sox Nation
option_firstname: Pat

Re: Not working my program

Post by hopefulNE » Tue Dec 19, 2017 2:26 am

I used to think my AD would get into the "right" program or would finally get herself turned around, and then she would be "fixed."
After years of experience, it seems that for us, (both of us) recovery is an ongoing process. There is no getting back to "normal," this IS our new normal.
And we have been told repeatedly, and I have come to believe, that there is no geographic solution.
Recovery has to come from within.
Please be kind to yourself. Lots of emotions and adjustments. There is no right or wrong.
TYFS, keep coming back.
"Keep Calm and Carry On" - British Ministry of Information, WWII

Posts: 208
Joined: Tue Mar 03, 2015 9:47 am

Re: Not working my program

Post by Ma1954 » Tue Dec 19, 2017 5:46 am

My husband and I bought a house in another state. I go there to escape my ALO. I never told him where it is. I wish I was there now. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests