Help with elder abuse by step-AS

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Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Help with elder abuse by step-AS

Post by cdnstepmom » Sun Dec 17, 2017 11:18 am

Well my mother-in-law has taken my step-AS back in not even a full month after she kicked him out (see a previous post). He was kicked out of yet another place that he was staying at (3 in one month). Of course he stated that he had to leave because someone stole all of his possessions (which didn't end up being true - it never does). He had been using the night before with other like users and ended up passing out. Woke up in the morning to find that his money was gone (that's the part I believe - that either his money was stolen or he bought more drugs and forgot). He went into a rage and lost control and was told to leave. He ended up at his grandmother's crying and threatening to kill himself and ta-da she let him in. And once she let him in? He played the victim and cried some more and ta-da! She gave him money to go get high with and he stayed and he is just fine now. The 5 words that he uses to manipulate: I'm going to kill myself. He has been there for 5 days and again, hasn't helped her in any way, has yelled at her, his mess is every where, he has made her go to her room so that he can watch tv in "peace". Right back into the same cycle they were both into before he left not even a month ago.

This has caused sooooo much tension in the family. My husband and I have tried to encourage her to tell him to leave. But she feels like he is going to kill himself if she does that (he is holding that over her head). My husband's brother has told her that he will not go see her as long as my step-AS is there and that includes Christmas time. Unfortunately this is true for the majority of family members. My step-AS is so toxic and manipulative towards her that her family can not stand by and watch what he is doing to her. But at the same time feeling helpless which is where the anger is coming from. My husband and I just moved all his stuff out of her place so that he wouldn't have any reason to go back there (her words) and she let him back in.

I understand that she is lonely (limited mobility with health problems, and rarely leaves her apartment) and grew up with abuse. But family members have all been trying to tell her that having him there is extremely toxic, unhealthy not just physically for her but also emotionally (and quite frankly, unsanitary). His treatment and disrespect of her boggles my brain. I just cannot comprehend how anyone can treat a grandmother, who is basically their lifeline at this point, the way that he does. When I saw him the other day (first time in months) at my mother-in-law's place, he was high as a kite, bragging about stolen goods, and when his grandmother asked him to take the garbage out, he gave major attitude. I looked at my husband and I said that I had to leave. I cannot be around him there (or anywhere for that matter right now).

Before she kicked him out last month, a drug dealer threatened to go there to get his money. My step-AS was being disrespectful one night and my mother-in-law went to give him smack (from sitting position on the couch), he grabbed her wrist and held it hard enough to leave bruises (we confronted him on that and he of course said it was her fault - he is over 6 feet and over 200 lbs), she had washed dishes one night and he came home and took them out of the dish drainer one by one stating that she didn't clean well enough and left them in the sink, he regularly sent her to her room so he could have "alone" time (she lives in a one bedroom tiny apartment), he swindled $1,000 from her while he was living there (she lives off of a limited pension - he actually makes more money on social assistance than she does) not to mention that her grocery bill tripled while he stayed with her and not once did he ever contribute financially while he stayed there. She has admitted to me and to my sister-in-law that she is actually scared of him (when he goes into rages, he can lose control) and that she believes that he has stolen some jewelry items that she can not find since he was there. But when he is there, she says all is fine.

A bit drawn out, I know, and I know that many of you have gone through similar. But am wondering if anyone had to take measures to have ALOs removed from your parents' homes or if there were any kinds of legal means to go through? I am not trying to control the matter. But rather trying to figure out how we can help her as I am genuinely concerned for her.

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Re: Help with elder abuse by step-AS

Post by DianeB » Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:02 pm

I don't live in Canada, but in the states there are laws and authorities that look into the
serious issue of elder abuse.

My mother lived with me until her death and at a certain age, she felt completely
overwhelmed and powerless. It is easy to intimidate, force, and physically hurt the
elderly who have no control. I would have had NO compunction in notifying the
authorities if there was even the slightest indication of abuse. Either verbal, emotional
or physical...doesn't matter, it is abuse.

Just like addiction, abuse is progressive. Getting away with even minor abuse
empowers individuals to escalate into further forms of abuse. You indicated that
physical abuse has already happened.

What are you wanting to happen? Someone else to report it? Serious injury, even

I have a favorite saying....Examine what you tolerate. What are you tolerating?

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Re: Help with elder abuse by step-AS

Post by cdnstepmom » Sun Dec 17, 2017 9:41 pm

I hear what you are saying DianeB. Believe me I do. My tolerance for abuse is little to none. I have said that if she was my mother and if anyone ever treated her the way my step-son treats my mother-in-law, I would probably be put in jail myself. I'm being facitious of course.

I have spoken to my husband and my brother-in-law about doing just that - calling the authorities to report my step-son. I have also spoken to my mother-in-law as well. One of the issues is that she has made it very clear that authorities are not to be called. And actually got upset with me for even suggesting such a thing. She is of sound mind and therefore we are unable to force anything upon her.

I have done research about elder abuse in our province and if she is not capable of getting help or does not have the mental capacity to make a report or call the police, then we can intervene. Because she is of sound mind she has the right to live at risk (crazy as that sounds), refuse help and make her own decisions. By staying in daily contact with her (my husband and my brother-in-law both do by phone) and visiting her at least 1-2 times a week (my husband and I but only if he is not there) and providing her with as much information as possible for help and support. I have let her and him know that if she calls us when he is causing a raucus at her home, that I will be calling the police to have him removed if I hear him so much as raise his voice.

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Re: Help with elder abuse by step-AS

Post by Suejan » Mon Dec 18, 2017 3:52 am

I too live in Canada and I have a AS who caused much grief for me, along with my husband and parents. I have responded to you before about how I feel our vulnerable parents need to be protected, as much as possible. I was so happy when you posted that your ASS ( wow- is that really the acronym?) was finally out of your MIL’s home.
I think she, like all of us, gets draged back in to it due to a mistaken belief of responsibility- of thinking they are helping- all the things I went through as a parent. It took me many tries until I had exhausted my options with him. I grew up that family protected family- you helped “fix” the problem and protected each other. I has lots of bruised arms from the same scenario you described- BUT I made the choice to keep trying- If my son had so much as touched my parents I would have called the police- I was way more concerned about their well being than my own-a big flaw of mine.
If I felt that I couldnt force the issue with my MIL- then personally I would go another route. I knew enough about the people and places and misdeeds linked to my son- I would not hesitate to use that information to force him out. Leave now —-or I will ——-.
Again, I am so sorry that your MIL has boarded the train again and taken all of you with her. I really see it getting much worse unfortunately- each time for me escalated quicker. She cannot live like that.
Good luck to all of you!

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