Trying to maintain

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Jade11
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Trying to maintain

Post by Jade11 » Sat Dec 16, 2017 7:27 pm

It is almost a week since my AH relapsed. I'm trying my best to maintain my own sanity. It's not easy...
I understand Addiction is a progressive disease. It really is. My AH seems to have picked up right where he left off... 3 or 4 months ago...
Still I'm a little caught off guard how quickly things are progressing (for him).
So what about me?
I managed to feed, bathe and put my kids to bed last night. Well supervised these things because they are learning to be independent.
I held it in til they went to sleep. Then I got in my bed and cried. I mean I bawled. I caught myself asking God WHY. I asked him WHAT DO I DO NOW? Then I realized HE is in charge... I am not in charge of my AH. I do not even have to try taking charge of AH's life because it is not my job. That thought brought me a sense of immense relief.
But I cried anyway. Sometimes a big ugly cry needs to happen... to let the pain out.
I woke up this morning with swollen eyes. I'm not so young anymore I can't get away with crying myself to sleep Lol. sigh.
I made myself go to a women's activity group at my place of worship today. I had committed and I knew I would enjoy my friends' company.
And I did find some joy there... until I got a text in the middle of things. It was from our family friend, he wanted to know how my AH was doing in recovery. Because my AH had come to his house asking for a loan.
I tried my best to focus on enjoying myself but it was almost impossible after that. I did stay but rushed home after.
Of course AH was at home pretending nothing happened. I asked him about the text and he refused to talk to me, told me everything is my fault, and shut the door on me.
I feel for my husband. It's so sad to see him using again. A few months ago he was in the ER. But I can't control or cure him.
It's a great time to work on myself. No matter what my AH does, I do not want to go back to being insane! I'm shaky but not in despair.
God grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
TYFLMS ox

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odat1
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Re: Trying to maintain

Post by odat1 » Sun Dec 17, 2017 1:39 am

Prayers are sent to you and your family while you work your program.

Ma1954
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Re: Trying to maintain

Post by Ma1954 » Sun Dec 17, 2017 6:12 am

TYFS. Peace to you and your kids. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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vscook
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Re: Trying to maintain

Post by vscook » Sun Dec 17, 2017 11:43 am

Yes - it's so hard when our ALO's relapse, and it's hard to keep from backsliding ourselves. Lots of stress over the holidays and dealing with addiction just adds to it. Hugs & prayers.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

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DianeB
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Re: Trying to maintain

Post by DianeB » Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:09 pm

Perhaps another look at the serenity prayer might help.

Take a really hard look at what it says.....

God grant me the serenity - you are asking for help

To accept the things I cannot change.....what are those things? Can you accept them?

To change the things I can....again, what are they? You can change most things that are about you and your children.

And the wisdom to know the difference. Ah...there is the hitch. What is the wisdom?

Is it wise to stay? Is it wise to go? Is it good for the children? Is it damaging to them?
What are you worth? Is it worth it? Is maintaining enough for your life? What do you deserve?

So many questions.....perhaps your sponsor can help you navigate this minefield.

Claytonmomof2
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Re: Trying to maintain

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:29 pm

Prayers for you and your family during this time... a stressful time of year for many but especially with active addiction. You’re postings have such strength in them. It’s encouraging.

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Jade11
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Re: Trying to maintain

Post by Jade11 » Mon Dec 18, 2017 12:15 am

Thank you all so much for your prayers and support. My prayers go out to all of you and your loved ones too. <3

Lem3
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Re: Trying to maintain

Post by Lem3 » Wed Dec 27, 2017 5:05 pm

Going through the same thing right now with my ABF. Feeling very alone and I don't know what to do. It all happened so fast and he quickly turned back to his old ways again. The lying started again, the fighting, missing money. He was doing so well I don't know what happened to make him spiral out of control.
Of course he says I am the crazy one. I can't control the things he does and I can't let him manipulate me. I decided I need to take care of me and do some things that make me happy. i can't let his addiction control my life. Prayers needed!

Thanks for listening

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