Would appreciate feedback

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Would appreciate feedback

Post by whitedove » Sat Dec 16, 2017 9:55 am

I know the mandate here is not to offer advice or opinions, but I would appreciate feedback. Presently our AS is staying with us, and has been for the last month. It has not been easy, unbeknownst to us, he is still in active addiction and has admitted this to us just the other day. (Won't go into the details here...he had access to funds that we didn't know about) It is becoming unbearable around here....he is uncommunicative, his dad is angry all the time and trying to control AS's behavior. I try to talk to AS...."reason" with him....yes I know this is futile.

Ok...here is where I would appreciate feedback......feeling rather desperate...I KNOW I can't control or cure the problem but I was wondering if a residential rehab facility maybe an answer....how have your loved ones fared at such a facility....are they any better or worse than out patient programs? Stomach is constantly in knots...Trying to work my program, but some days it's just really hard

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Re: Would appreciate feedback

Post by Ronni » Sat Dec 16, 2017 10:28 am

My RAS was in numerous recovery programs over the last 5 years before he became sober back in 2014. Some were residential, some were outpatient.

My personal experience has been that until HE was ready, it didn't matter what program or facility he was in. He had to get to the point where the many challenges of recovery became more attractive than continuing to abuse drugs. It took him a long time to get there, but he did finally arrive at that point. And he arrived at it long after *I* stopped doing anything to influence at decision. He has since told me that there was NOTHING I could have done, or said, to encourage him to embrace recovery, not until HE was ready to do so.

I tried for years, believing I had some degree of control over his use, his choices, believing I could influence outcomes, encourage change. Nope. He's told me flat out that none of it made a damn bit of difference to him, no matter how receptive he appeared to be. He said what he felt I wanted to hear, but didn't actualy believe any of it.

When he finally sought recovery, it was entirely on HIS terms. He was ill, homeless, penniless, living out of his car, and the wretchedness of his situation became the catalyst. He was, finally, sick and tired of being sick and tired.
My son's addiction is something that happened TO HIM. It is NOT something he did TO ME.

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Re: Would appreciate feedback

Post by vscook » Sat Dec 16, 2017 10:38 am

My AD walked out of an in-patient facility after one week. She went to out-patient rehab for a few months and then stopped going. Many addicts have stopped using without any formal rehab programs and by attending AA/NA meetings. I don't believe any kind of rehab will work until your ALO is really ready to stop using (JMO).
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

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Re: Would appreciate feedback

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Sat Dec 16, 2017 11:20 am

My AH went to in patient this year and seemed very sincere when going. He knew it was on my list of reconciliation and it was either in patient or homelessness. He wrote home his first week that he was “doing this for yal”.... but not himself. He made it half way through and left. He tried but fell right back into where he left off. He wasn’t ready.

His mom, however, battled alcoholism and hit her rock bottom...being homeless, feeling isolated from everyone and ashamed. Not being able to see her grandchildren often.... she started going to AA and got really involved and has made HUGE strides on her own terms. She’s been in recovery for two years and doing great. She has multiple sponsors and is so involved with her program...even “meeting hopping” some nights going to multiple meetings. It’s become her family of choice.

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Re: Would appreciate feedback

Post by DianeB » Sat Dec 16, 2017 11:54 am

Here's what I have learned in my experience with my son...over the past 20 years

1. There is no reasoning when in active addiction and very little when clean and sober. Adult children just seem to naturally resent parental interference in their lives.

2. Active addiction in my home is a recipe for disaster. It infiltrates ALL relationships and pits one supposed solution against another supposed solution. No one wins and damage is great to all. It is a destroyer of family.

3. My boundary against using and drugs in my home must be ABSOLUTE. There is no using, no drugs, no being high. For anyone who comes into my home. If you use or are high or have drugs...leave.

4. NO program will have any impact if the addict is not 150% ready for help. Guaranteed. All programs failed for my son until he was completely ready.

5. When ready and addict had a solid program in place and/or has shown the ability to stay clean and sober for a sustained period of time, I was OK with support in minor ways. When my son had a program, we allowed him to stay in our home until he was self supporting and able to move on. That took about 6 months.

6. Sobriety can be found anywhere when the addict is ready. My son found it at AA and NA and then practiced his own method of sobriety. His choice, not mine. His program, not mine. He is over 8 years clean.

7. No clean and sober adult child really wants to live with their parents. I revert back to the Mommy in charge role and he reverts into the rebellious teenager who will do it his way. He is an adult after all. Hard to change up the roles of parenthood.

8. I absolutely have to have a good solid program to be able to survive addiction, sobriety, and family issues. Without my own program, working the steps with my sponsor, I would have long ago become a blithering idiot.

9. My peace and serenity always comes first. My husband and I live in our own sanctuary and my program allows me to make decisions that are in our best interest. My son has to make his own, on his own.

10. Both my husband and I have to be on the same page with our decisions, be able to maintain solid boundaries in our home and absolutely able to enforce the consequences.

Last, but not least.....there is no peaceful living with active addiction. Good luck.

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Re: Would appreciate feedback

Post by Ma1954 » Sun Dec 17, 2017 6:37 am

My RAS/AS lived with us. We were giving him the 'hand up' to get his life on track for the third time. He was on an out patient program. He refused to go to in house rehab. He used and got kicked out of his program. We didn't find out until the police came to my house looking for him. He did some things that have gotten him into trouble because of his drug usage. He is kicked out. I couldn't take living with him and the family turmoil. I still can't. The medication from these programs is just as addictive as the H. The 12 step programs teach a person to be without drugs. Until they have the desire and strength to get sober nothing works. My AS texted me yesterday saying it was really important, this sent me into a emotional nose dive. I can't even stand getting texts. Good luck and keep coming back. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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Re: Would appreciate feedback

Post by belkar1 » Sun Dec 17, 2017 7:08 am

I get it,

We have tried both and none worked for my son long term. That is up to him, his choices, his consequences. I believed maybe this time would work, one more rehab, one more doctor has the answer for my son.

Sadly NO
Nothing we did made a difference, however we could contribute to his addiction. Lets face it when we are comfortable why would we have a need to change. My cycle continued until I had firm carved in stone boundaries.

No using or being under the influence in MY home ever. I could not live with active addiction, it was destroying my health and life. I had to make a decision that worked for ME. It was very painful to tell my son to leave, I was still holding on to hope he would change if he had one more chance.

Sadly that one more chance for me turned into a revolving door. My life became insane very quickly, I know deep down that I can never live with him again. My son is a grown adult with all the rights and responsibilities that come along with it.
My job for me is just to love him, and get out of his way so he can find what works for him.

If this is as good as it gets, my job is to live my life in peace no matter what he is doing. I am doing it, sometimes one hour at a time. Serenity follows when I practice my program, with my sponsor, and forum family.


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Re: Would appreciate feedback

Post by ATLmom » Sun Dec 17, 2017 10:38 am

My experience has been pretty much what everyone else has shared.

My RAD was in multiple rehabs...both inpatient and out patient. Neither worked for her until she was ready to work her recovery. I figured out along the way that she could not live with me. It was just a toxic situation. Even now, that she is in recovery, I would not let her live with me. We love each other, but we are not a good combination.

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Re: Would appreciate feedback

Post by Jade11 » Sun Dec 17, 2017 10:54 am

My experience is also similar to others. Though it is my husband who is an addict. He has attended outpatient programs and gotten certificates of successful completion while actively using. He has gone to inpatient 3 times, was sincere about it twice. I will say that after inpatient he started out stronger. He did relapse each time and is back to active use now. Whether meetings, outpatient or inpatient... he will get out what he puts in. Only when he's fully ready to receive help will any program work for him. I wish you all the best, keep coming back. xx

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Re: Would appreciate feedback

Post by risingstar » Sun Dec 17, 2017 7:52 pm

Thank you for sharing your story. My experience is a little different, with a 48 year old stepson heroin addict who lives in a different town, and who has access to grandparents' inheritance funds, which my husband endorses and will not cut him off, no matter what. Multiple recent ER crises, various stories of access to methadone treatment centers being denied (once for obtaining methadone on the street), picked up by firefighters on the street, and so on. I give you all much support (especially this time of year) and would love any others to give advice all around. Very stressful for husband, who is in his mid-70s.

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