Seeking guidance

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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MIA5
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Seeking guidance

Post by MIA5 » Fri Dec 15, 2017 12:05 pm

Hello
I've been married to an addict for over 20 years now. His behavior has progressively gotten worse over the past year. He is no longer the man I fell in love with. My husband is very controlling, jealous and verbally abusive. He chronically abuses marijuana and I know he is also involved with pills. He firmly believes I am the problem and not his addiction. One of our children now is smoking pot everyday and I believe he is also huffing. We have three minor children still in the home. Between my husband and our eldest son their poor behaviors make living together as a family almost unbearable. I want to help them but I feel like their desire to be high is more important to them than anything else. Daily they are both verbally abusive towards me and the two younger children. I'm ready to file for divorce although this is not my hearts desire. I'm scared and lonely. I want what's best for all of us but am feeling there is nothing left for me to do but leave with the littles.

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vscook
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Re: Seeking guidance

Post by vscook » Fri Dec 15, 2017 3:00 pm

Welcome to the forum! Everyone here is dealing with the issues of having an addicted loved one. Naranon is a program for YOU. You can check the Naranon website at www.nar-anon.org to find a face to face meeting near you. There are also online meetings here every Sunday, Monday and Wednesday evening at 8 pm Eastern. You are not alone - Keep coming back!
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

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MIA5
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Re: Seeking guidance

Post by MIA5 » Fri Dec 15, 2017 3:34 pm

Thank you so much!

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SDIN2T
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Re: Seeking guidance

Post by SDIN2T » Fri Dec 15, 2017 3:50 pm

Welcome to the forum. The way this works is like a Naranon Face 2 Face meeting. We don't give advice or guidance nor do we judge or offer opinions. We simply share our experiences and perhaps you will see similarities in our stories.

I've been married to my addict/alcoholic wife almost 29 years and I have 2 addict sons. My wife enabled my sons with pills and eventually they all started doing heroin. For the time being, I choose to stay with my wife for personal reasons, but I don't have any minor kids in the house as my other 3 kids are all non-addict adults.

The only way I can live with my addicts was to first accept that I am powerless to change them. Their only goal is to get the next fix and they have no desire to participate in family relationships if it doesn't somehow serve their purpose of getting high. I accept them for who they are and I've learned I can still love them, just not like a husband would love his wife or a father loving his sons. I have surrendered my will and desire to control them because it's not possible to change an addict.

Only you can decide what is best for you and your little ones. For me, when my children were younger I protected them from their mother because their well being and their right to live in a loving home was a priority. I did my best to provide that. All 3 of my non-addicts kids are doing well but I can't help wonder how they may have been affected living with addiction in the house.

Keep coming back, you've found a home here with people that understand what you're going through.

:JR
And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

melbr612
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Re: Seeking guidance

Post by melbr612 » Fri Dec 15, 2017 3:52 pm

I understand completely. I don't have little ones any longer but have been married nine years to an opiate addict who will not get help and really doesn't think is a problem. Family tells me to leave but at the same time I really don't know what to do. I have a son who is schizophrenic but stable on his medicine who lives with us. My heart just breaks more every day. We use to be high school sweethearts that met up again 20 something years later and boy what a complete horror to watch him get worse and be abusive verbally and emotionally to me and really hurting himself. This is the hardest and strangest things I have ever had to endure. I pray your will get better and ask you pray for my situation as well. It is not our fault. These choices are theirs alone.

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Jade11
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Re: Seeking guidance

Post by Jade11 » Fri Dec 15, 2017 4:54 pm

I understand how you feel. My husband is an addict and I can see the effect it had on our little ones. They have been impacted by his insane behavior and mine. I allowed myself to be controlled by my husband's addiction for many years... our kids saw me depressed, angry, anxious, and not able to focus on my own needs or theirs. I was a full blown codependent and enabler. It came to a point where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I told my husband I was moving on with my life for our kids' sake. And my own. I decided to seek divorce and if he sought treatment and worked on recovery before it was finalized I would consider staying. I didn't do it to force him into treatment. I did it because living with active addiction was really hurting our kids. I hoped he would go to rehab but I knew he had to make that choice on his own. At this point my husband is sober and working on his recovery JFT (just for today). So we are still married and I am taking it a day at a time.
Keep coming back. ox

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MIA5
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Re: Seeking guidance

Post by MIA5 » Fri Dec 15, 2017 7:28 pm

Thank you all for the thoughts, sharing and prayers. You are now in my thoughts and prayers as well.

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