Really struggling

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Really struggling

Post by Nik8907 » Thu Dec 14, 2017 11:54 pm

My husband has been doing meth. I feel like divorce is inevitable. He does not think he has a problem. He is lying to me and I feel so alone. I feel like the man i married, my best friend, the amazing father of my children is dead. And there is someone else in his body. I don't know what to do. As I think about the past 6 years of our l life I feel so sad. We have so many great memories and I don't understand how he could throw it all away. I miss him...the sober him. I can't sleep I can't eat. I just want to crawl in a hole and cry till I can't anymore but I have kids so I out a smile on and fake it till I make it, i guess. I just don't know what I should do. What is my first step? Sorry this is all a ramble I just feel so alone. I am going to a meeting but they don't get together until monday...

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Re: Really struggling

Post by slm219 » Fri Dec 15, 2017 9:35 am

Hi Nikki and welcome. Sorry for what has brought you here but we understand. My 44 AS brought me here...when I was so broken...taking one day at a time, meetings, reading and reaching out has helped me tremendously. Changing the focus to me......does not happen overnight ....takes lots of work but is so worth it.

Stick around.....explore this much good information and you will find that you are not alone at all. If you can not make a meeting we have them here 3 nights a week......Sunday, Monday and Wed at 8:00 (EST).

Take care....keep coming back.
Even a small star shines in the darkness.

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Re: Really struggling

Post by Ma1954 » Fri Dec 15, 2017 10:06 am

TYFS. I am sorry you are going thru this. I think the ALO's just don't know their reality or how their addiction hurts people who love them. I have been destroyed by my ALO's behavior. I have learned that I need to stay away from him and keep my boundaries in order to be well. This is very hard to do but it seems to be the only way. Keep coming back. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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Re: Really struggling

Post by LKSG8R » Fri Dec 15, 2017 11:07 am

Hello and welcome! I think grieving for what we have lost is a very normal part of this process. It happens when we realize we are powerless over the choices made by people we love. Grief happened for me when I finally accepted that my son was an addict and that I could do nothing to get him back on track. Denial, anger, attempts to control or fix- all those were easier than the sadness of acceptance.

Then one day I had had enough of my well-deserved pity party, and started to work on being happy with myself and my own life. I started to recover.
I hope that you keep coming back. The strength you find here will help you recover one day too.

Trying to be the person my dog thinks I am.

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Re: Really struggling

Post by HollyTx » Fri Dec 15, 2017 4:23 pm

Hi Nikki,

None of us can decide what the right steps are for you...but we sure can support you on your journey. I'm sending lots of love and hugs your way. I remember days of just crying and wanting to crawl into a hole. A few things helped me:

-Coming here. Often. To online meetings and the forum to post and read. Post and read.
-Getting to F2F meetings as often as possible
-Putting a strong support team around me - who did things like cook meals and pick up the daily slack so I could attend to my ALO
-Connecting with my HP
-Reading nar-anon literature.

and most importantly, above all,
-Being gentle and kind with the precious gift that is me. I did not cause the addiction. I could not control it (oh and how I tried). I could not cure it. Being present for the rest of my family meant taking care of my needs.

Extra hugs,


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Re: Really struggling

Post by Nik8907 » Sat Dec 16, 2017 1:28 am

Thank you all. I never imagined this would be my life as I'm sure none of you did either. I am going to my first meeting onMonday, although I feel like I could go to one every day at this point. I'm thankful I found this forum. I do pretty good all day running around with 2 little ones and work but as soon as they're asleep is when it all hits me and I feel myself going into a panic attack. Reading posts on here help me feel not so alone and that there is some hope for me. I have been lurking for a few days before posting last night. I can feel my mind hardening to the situation and him but my heart is taking a bit longer to let go.

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Re: Really struggling

Post by Trying » Sat Dec 16, 2017 9:43 am

I totally get it. It's a horrible thing to experience.

These things helped me:

I kept coming back. I read as much as I could, I started working with a step buddy, and I work the steps. I use the slogans -

One day at a time
Easy does it
Doing nothing is doing something

I figured out what boundaries needed to be done immediately (I kicked my addict BF out of the house because I needed a peaceful place to heal myself and was tired of worrying about finding him dead or him stealing from me. That was the best thing I could have done. If we had any shared bank accounts I would have taken care of that right away, too, because addicts can and will drain all the resources.

The rest of the questions - should I break up with him? Stop talking to him? Etc...I let those things take more time. There is no rush. I do each next right thing as I feel ready.

I don't get on the forum much anymore but I do go to meetings and talk to my step buddy every single day. I'm SO MUCH HEALTHIER in many, many ways and in all of my relationships since starting this program.

Keep coming back. It does get easier. But you've got to put the effort in.

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