I AM SO MAD

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Blue Sky
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I AM SO MAD

Post by Blue Sky » Mon Dec 11, 2017 6:11 pm

Of course the saga always continues no matter how healthy I am when dealing with my AS who says he has his relapse under control because he's working the program at the methadone clinic. I kicked him out last week for repeatedly lying about his drinking. He's been sleeping in his car. I actually am now fine with that. What's got me furious today is he texted his girl friend's mother (girl friend is in recovery right now and her mother and I have been splitting the care of our grand daughter). He told her not to believe anything I say, that I manipulate, have done this before to his father and act in ways that are concerning. What the heck is he talking about. I think there is some projection going on here. I never need to be right. I just strive to be true to myself and at peace allowing others to live their own lives. He just doesn't like the boundaries I set and now he's bad mouthing me, making things up. It sounds like there is zero accountability and no program is being worked. If hating me keeps him clean then great. But I think if he had a counselor he was being honest with they wouldn't accept this as healthy. It makes me totally sick and makes me think I don't even know him.

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hope4today
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Re: I AM SO MAD

Post by hope4today » Tue Dec 12, 2017 12:51 pm

My son knows what cards to play and will manipulate any situation to get what he wants or needs even if it means throwing me under the bus. It is part of his addict behavior whether he is in recovery or not.

Blue Sky
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Re: I AM SO MAD

Post by Blue Sky » Tue Dec 12, 2017 7:09 pm

I am sure it has caused you great pain. He continues to come up with new tactics. I just never saw this one coming and it has thrown me for a loop especially because his father, my ex- husband is a narcissist and blamed me for everything. I have to keep myself in check to not react from the past and only see what is happening now. It's tough because I am human. Thank you for sharing with me. It means a lot because I am feeling alone even though I have support.

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belkar1
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Re: I AM SO MAD

Post by belkar1 » Wed Dec 13, 2017 6:06 am

Many times my son has done the same thing. Not to his ex wife but other people. When my AS did not get his own way, he just made up what ever suited him. Did not matter it was a lie, there is a saying when do you know an addict is lying? when they are moving their lips.

Did not make me feel any better, but knowing I was not alone and loosing my mind helped. Anger, hurt, frustration, are just some of the emotions I went through. For me holding my son accountable for his actions helped. However I had to make sure I did not react.

Maybe you could take a look at your boundaries, and see if they need to be adjusted. Remember they are for you.

Meeting, sponsor, steps, find a F2F, read, post come to meetings here. It can help, it helped me.

My son told some real whoppers, sometimes with just enough truth sprinkled in. That I had to think about it. Did I have 20 in my wallet or did I spend or loose it? was I loosing my mind ? Nope, blame shifting is a tactic my son used often. My sons recovery is his, mine is mine. My sons actions spoke louder than any words could.

I learned not to defend myself when lies happened. Just the facts, and then changed the only thing I could myself.

Love
Belkar

Blue Sky
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Re: I AM SO MAD

Post by Blue Sky » Wed Dec 13, 2017 7:50 am

I have done the same thing... wondering if I misplaced something or if he took it. How many times did was I being taken advantaged of and thought I was doing the right thing and all along I was being used.
I know not to react but it is also natural to have a discussion to set correct a wrong statement. But when you realize you're dealing with someone who can't or won't see it any other way because that would hold them accountable, what's the point. It's talking to yourself. My friends told me last night that since I am the one person that has been constant if it's not my fault then he really has to look at himself and he's not ready to do that.
I don't know much about the program at the methadone clinic but he needs more work on honesty. I'm glad he's not running around on the streets looking for drugs and in his mind only had a "slip" but his behavior is an indicator that he isn't working a 12 step program. I have lovingly stated my conditions for living in the house again and the consequences if alcohol or drugs were used. He would have to leave. This all happened because he got caught. He continues to minimize it. But regardless, I was clear. Even after I did move my boundary, thinking if he goes to meetings, gets a sponsor and calls a counselor then I wouldn't kick him out. He didn't do those things and said he would be doing them for me because he doesn't need them because he is working a program. I need to put this out of my mind and regain some peace and not have it effect me all day. I also know all the things I do are my decisions but it would be so comforting for some "expert" affirm what I'm doing is right. I think I would be more at peace.

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SDIN2T
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Re: I AM SO MAD

Post by SDIN2T » Wed Dec 13, 2017 10:05 am

I can't comment on what a program at a methadone clinic looks like or if it's even a recovery program. I believe in the 12 steps for my recovery and I also believe in the 12 steps for a recovering addict, but an addict has to choose how they wish to work recovery, if at all.

What I have learned with my 3 addicts, is that I couldn't manage them during their addiction and I can't manage them when they were in recovery. I couldn't make demands on how my wife worked her recovery because she owned it, not me. What I had to do was step aside and give her the dignity and freedom to make decisions that affected her recovery.

I didn't agree with much of what she did, but it's not my place to force her into recovery how I thought she should do it. At first I tired to give her boundaries about no drinking, get into a 12 step program, go to meetings, get a sponsor, etc. When I stepped back and examined my motives on those boundaries, I found that my boundaries were not for me, but were an attempt to control her behavior.

:JR
And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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Jade11
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Re: I AM SO MAD

Post by Jade11 » Wed Dec 13, 2017 4:24 pm

That can be hard to deal with. It's really upsetting when AH badmouths me when I'm trying to be a support for him. It's heartbreaking.
My AH does it to take the focus off his addiction. If he can point the finger at me he figures people will overlook his behavior. He has also lied about me to his counselors. I see it as his attempt to stop the truth coming out. In his mind, we're conspiring against him. It isn't that he hates me or doesn't love me - just the desire for drugs hijacks his brain.
But... what can I do? I can't tape his mouth shut. Much as I might want to! I can't follow after him trying to tell my side of the story. I used to try and it's so TIRING. It didn't stop him or make me feel any better because even when others believed me, AH never acknowledged it. As hard as it is, I ignore the lies. I know in the end my own character will be enough proof. It helps me to remember that most people he talks to probably know AH is lying. His counselors, family, friends have told me that when they hear his lies, they know he's either gotten high or working on it. Our ALOs may think they're fooling everyone but they're really not. ((hugs))

Blue Sky
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Re: I AM SO MAD

Post by Blue Sky » Thu Dec 14, 2017 6:39 am

Thank you all for being here. Your support and wisdom have helped me tremendously. Today he is picking his girl friend up from treatment. I hope they do well and we can have a healthy relationship. I did, however, change the locks on my door since he wouldn't leave the key and continued to come to the house when I wasn't here. It's crazy how simple a boundary can be and when someone doesn't like it, like a two year old screaming because you took their toy away, it gets blown up. I will send him a text or email and hope he doesn't break a window to get in. He has broken in many times in the past when I kicked him out. Maybe some of my boundaries were about his work, like getting a sponsor and going to meetings. I thought if he did those things it would help him and show me he was trying. But JR you have given me some things to think about and examine.
I hope you all have a beautiful day and thank you for time, thoughts, and care. It means so much to me.

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