New here but feeling just worn out

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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New here but feeling just worn out

Post by Trying4466 » Sun Dec 10, 2017 11:01 am

So this is my first post. My AD, 29, is an active user right now. I could have written many of the stories here. I am so worn out. I take care of her child (who she abandoned 2 years ago) every other weekend. My GD lives with her father and his wife. Somehow (through the grace of my HP), my GD is thriving. Of course, she will always have abandonment issues and all that goes with that. Not minimizing that for sure. I am happy to have my GD in my life, such sweetness.

My daughter has stolen from me so much in so many ways. She has burned so many bridges with her old friends and continues to use really anyone who tries to help. So, typical addict behavior, I guess. I am just so tired of this roller coaster. About a year ago or so I set really firm boundaries, and I've stuck to them as far as trying to bargain or plead with her. I do not support her in any way. She would have taken my last dime and left me lying in the streets. I did go to a few meetings locally. It did give me some tools that I have used. So grateful. I'm just tired.

When she first abandoned my GD, I was pretty much in shock. I pleaded, begged, bribed, etc. For about the past year, I stopped all of that. I hear from her about once a week, usually a text, just letting me know she is alive.

If it goes much longer than that, fear hits, and it is consuming. I just don't know how to live life without knowing where she is, if she's dead or alive, and I found that my mood, my happiness, my sanity depends on hearing from her once a week. Every once and a while, it goes longer, like now. I am in that period of just going through the motions, just waiting for some word, whether it be letting me know that she is dead or in jail.

I do not want to live with this fear. I know that she has to be the one to change her life if she is ever going to get better, because if it were up to me (like so many parents and loved ones out there), she would be okay. If all of the worrying and stress could change anything, that would have fixed her years ago.

I hate that hearing from her once a week, by a simple text or sporadically a call, has such power over me. My exhusband (who blames our daughter for our divorce) and my son have pretty much walked away from her. We all deal with things the best we can. We all make choices. My daughter continues to choose to use. I just need to continue to choose to live and try to be happy. I know all of this giving into worrying is also a choice. Again, I am just tired of this, so tired. I know that sadly I am not alone. I guess I just needed to vent this morning.

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Re: New here but feeling just worn out

Post by MarieW » Sun Dec 10, 2017 3:38 pm

Vent away! We've all been there. Desperately wanting that call or text, yet afraid of it, too. I don't know any way to get over the fear except to go to meetings and work the steps, especially the first three. Both my 24 year old son and my husband are addicts. I have had to give both of them over to their higher power. Even saying that sounds strange to me, as I had no spiritual tradition in my life prior to joining Nar-Anon and consider myself an agnostic. But I have come to believe in something bigger than me, bigger than my addicted loved ones. And it's helped me let go of the worry and fear.

Keep coming back.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

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Re: New here but feeling just worn out

Post by Shelly » Sun Dec 10, 2017 4:15 pm

I totally understand your feelings. My mood also is elevated just hearing from my AS and I would be very happy with once a week. That’s why I’m on her reading gain some strength. Within the last two days I have called and sent texts pleading with him just to send some kind of response. It so hurtful to me that I have jumped through so many hoops and given up so much for him and he can’t take 2 minutes to send me a text. Yes, I know I am not to take things personally. Yet, I am like you and do not know how to live my life without worrying about him. I do try. When I am busy with my husband or out having fun with friends it is easier. I really feel guilty that my posts on here are usually negative and I look forward to the day where I can be more positive and offer others hope and strength. I am grateful for this forum and find myself coming on to read almost daily. Enjoy your granddaughter.

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Re: New here but feeling just worn out

Post by slm219 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 8:37 am

Welcome to the forum. And yes....vent away....this is a safe place to do that and everyone here understands. You are not alone.
Meetings really help and if you have difficulty getting to one....we have them right here 3 times a week, Sun, Monday and Wed (8:00 EST).
Explore this site and you will find some great information and find lots of similar stories.

There is a better way to it have to work it but its so worth it.
Hugs for you and your GD.
Even a small star shines in the darkness.

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Re: New here but feeling just worn out

Post by HollyTx » Mon Dec 11, 2017 12:02 pm


I've learned that this is a safe place to vent. Vent away!

And (((HUGS))). Sorry it's rough.

Keep on coming back for you.


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Re: New here but feeling just worn out

Post by Dannie » Mon Dec 11, 2017 2:46 pm

I understand all that you said! Nothing has really made it easier for me while waiting for that contact from my AS. I just keep busy with positive things and come to this forum and read and re-read posts and try working my steps the best I can. You will find a lot of help just coming here and reading and being reminded that you are ok and what you are feeling is normal. Best wishes.

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Re: New here but feeling just worn out

Post by hopefulNE » Tue Dec 12, 2017 12:56 am

I can so relate to everything you've said...the exhaustion, the fear, the bafflement as to why anyone would choose drugs over caring for their own child.
My AD continues her career as a multiple relapser in spite of the blessing of her young son. I don't get it and never will.
I am glad your GD has a stable home, and that you have regular contact with her. I guess all we can hope for is to be a loving and stable presence in their lives.
In my case, the pain and fear have never really gone away, but I have learned not to let them take over my life like they used to.
I'm glad you found us. We are always here when you need to vent. Never alone again.
"Keep Calm and Carry On" - British Ministry of Information, WWII

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Re: New here but feeling just worn out

Post by Ma1954 » Tue Dec 12, 2017 7:50 am

Good venting! I have done some crazy venting here and gotten the wisest advice. Hugs, Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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Re: New here but feeling just worn out

Post by Ronni » Tue Dec 12, 2017 8:14 am

I get it. Venting helps.

I too have been there...waiting for something, ANYTHING that would confirm that my RAS was alive. Even getting a text or call made when he was obviously high as a kite...even that was a relief of sorts after days of not hearing from him. At least I knew he wasn't dead.

It was the worst when he became homeless and disappeared from my life for months. That was hard. I kept expecting to hear from the police or the hospital or the morgue.

That was the period during which I reached for Naranon, and found these rooms and my f2f meetings and realized that I wasn't alone, that there were plenty of other folks dealing with just what I was, and that it was possible to survive the addiction of a loved one, whether they ultimately chose recovery or not.

I'm glad you're here, though sorry as hell at what brought you here. Keep coming back, it does work.
My son's addiction is something that happened TO HIM. It is NOT something he did TO ME.

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Re: New here but feeling just worn out

Post by Trying4466 » Tue Dec 12, 2017 9:28 am

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies. It is comforting to know that there are others out there who get what I feel, but it's also sad to know that others know all too well the hurt I am going through. I do see hope most/a lot of the time; it just gets especially tough from time to time. I am glad to have found this site. It is giving me comfort and I appreciate it. I am making a choice to come here and read these post and thoughts and comments and am making that step towards trying to live a better, happier life. Thanks again to all. It does help. SusanD

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Re: New here but feeling just worn out

Post by hope4today » Tue Dec 12, 2017 12:59 pm

When I reached full acceptance of my sons addiction and surrendered, I was able to face my fears, let go, and let God. I embraced the saying, "Out of Sight, Out of Mind," and my recovery began to soar.

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Re: New here but feeling just worn out

Post by Trying4466 » Sun Dec 24, 2017 9:51 am

I just wanted to say a big thank you to all of you. I have been reading almost every day since I started. I keep saying some of the catch phrases that I am learning, like let go, let God; nothing changes if nothing changes; and actually one that has really helped me has been doing nothing is doing something. The support here has helped me, along with prayer to my HP, to just almost feel normal (well, normal might be a strong word), in spite of everything that's going on.

I had a beautiful early Christmas with my granddaughter. She's is thriving in spite of all of this. What a precious gift. I saw my daughter. She is alive. She is obviously using. She was really pretty hateful to me, which actually helped me feel stronger. I did offer and pay for a month for her phone, which had been turned off, and told her happy Christmas. That was my choice to make, and I made it. She wanted money and I told her no. I have not heard from her since. Somehow I am okay with that. I know that if enough time goes by and I do not hear from her, I will feel the panic again, but for right now I am okay.

Your stories of the good, bad, and ugly have been such a help to me. I am not happy about your pain. I am happy that there is this place for people with addicted loved ones where there is comfort to be had. Again, I just wanted to say thank you. I'm going to continue to read the posts, and I'm going to try to make some meetings soon. This is helping me realize that it's OK to care about myself and to try to make myself happy, make choices for me, for my health, for my sanity, and to not feel guilty about trying to have a life, a good one. Again, a huge thank you. My prayers go out to everyone of you.

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Re: New here but feeling just worn out

Post by Blue Indigo » Mon Dec 25, 2017 12:09 am

I identified with so much of what you said about your AD, who like mine and many others whose loved ones frequent these forums, suffers from this horrible disease. Sadly, we all suffer also since this is a FAMILY disease which knows no limits in its destruction. Your statement about sharing a wonderful early Christmas with your grandchild reminded me to count my blessings, which you so clearly are doing in response to your situation. Thank you for reminding me that an attitude of gratitude goes a long way toward healing us and those we care about who are collateral damage of this disease. Right now my 11-yr-old grandson is playing on the computer behind me as I type this, and he is unaware of my love radiating toward him. He's just a kid, and like all kids his needs are fairly simple: a safe home with support and acceptance. I hope everyone here finds their way to a "Happy Holiday"--tomorrow is a new day, with new beginnings and we can hope, peace and love toward all. Thanks for your post.

"When the student is ready, the teacher appears."

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