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New to forum

Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2017 10:23 pm
by Bailey18
My boyfriend came out to me earlier this year that he had a prescription drug problem, he got sober by going to an outpatient, but relapsed later this year.

I have stood by him the entire time, but it has basically been alone. I was ashamed to tell anyone the second time to avoid the "told you so's" from the first time that it was going to happen again and I should just break up with him and find someone else

I try explaining to him that there is another person going through his addiction, and I need support too. He sees that as "being selfish", and brushes it off. He is currently completing rehab while I am left to pick up the pieces.

Any suggestions on how to get him to view things from my side and help support me, or is that being selfish? I feel it just keeps going back and forth, and I am also struggling emotionally because I just support him and have no support myself.

Re: New to forum

Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:26 pm
by vscook
Hi Bailey,

Welcome to the forum! Everyone here is affected by the addiction of someone close to them. We do not give advice, but we do share our experience, strength and hope. You can check the Naranon website at www.nar-anon.org to see if there is a face to face meeting in your area. We also have online meetings every Sunday, Monday and Wednesday evening at 8 pm Eastern. You are not alone - keep coming back!

Vicki

Re: New to forum

Posted: Fri Dec 08, 2017 3:53 pm
by Jade11
Hi Bailey and welcome! I can't give advice but I can share my own experience with this. My husband is an addict. He's in recovery, just for today. I know the feeling of being ashamed. For me it happens when I feel responsible for my husband's actions. I blame myself or feel embarrassed for things I didn't do. Shutting people out made me feel so much worse because I felt totally alone without support or anyone to talk to.
Recovery can be a bumpy road. My husband and I are both trying to learn new behaviors, new ways of living both as individuals and together. I had hoped he could be a support to me too as we work through this. But he simply isn't capable of offering me the kind of support I need right now. I'm slowly learning to accept that. The more I can accept this, the less likely I am to get disappointed or feel resentful! Instead, I can thankfully accept what he does have to offer me. I can step back and allow him to work on himself while I work on myself. I can find the support I need in other people and other ways.
Have you been to a meeting in your area? It's a good place to meet others who understand, share your feelings if you want to, or simply sit down and listen to others share what worked or didn't work for them. Please also consider the online meetings here.
For me, taking time to maintain relationships with my friends, family, pray and attend my place of worship also does wonders. Keep coming back! Hugs xx

Re: New to forum

Posted: Fri Dec 08, 2017 4:05 pm
by DonnaMc
Is it being selfish to want support? Absolutely not. Is it unrealistic to expect that support from an addict, even one who is in recovery? Unfortunately, yes. They just don't have the ability to think about anyone other than themselves and their recovery. A person who is fighting for their own life and healing their brain from the effects of drugs, just isn't in a place to see it from our side.

The best thing I did for myself was find my own recovery from my son's addiction. I learned how to live my life, whether he is using or not. I make decisions about what is best for me. That is not selfishness, it's self preservation.

Peace,

Donna Mc

Re: New to forum

Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 10:49 pm
by Bailey18
Update on situation and to vent,

He is leaving rehab next week and I told him the entire time that I wanted to be the one to pick him up and spend time with him. It's been a month. He told me that someone else is picking him up because he needs to make sure he gets drug tested. What a slap in the face! He even took away the one thing that would help me. I guess the one person who didn't help him get the pills, apparently isn't responsible enough to make sure he gets follow up care.

I tried to tell him that it made me upset, but I was making " a big deal out of nothing", and now I'm being punished again since he has not called me from rehab in 5 days since our fight. Part of me feels like he lied about my involvement in the situation that I'm not even trusted to get him from the airport, and someone else who smokes weed and had a former drug issue themselves can??

Re: New to forum

Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:45 am
by Ma1954
TYFS! This is a good place for you. I have found this site to be a comfort and a place to vent, as another post said. Addiction of a loved one has been the hardest thing for me. The only thing that works for me is total detachment. I get so very depressed with all the stuff. Keep coming back. Sue