Help with sober living rent or not

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Rhonda
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Help with sober living rent or not

Post by Rhonda » Thu Dec 07, 2017 1:46 pm

I know this has been shared a lot already, but I need to get this out of my head. My 20 yo RAD has been in three sober living houses since her rehab in July. One was evicted for heroin use. Second she left because she was too far behind on rent. She hates the houses and the girls in them. I know addicts help addicts, and they need the structure and rules to help in recovery, but yuck, who wants to live with them? She works but can't make enough for rent and car. She's not buying food. She works the highest paying restaurant in town and they won't allow second jobs, to make sure they are available. She tells me the others don't have to pay rent, their parents or spouses do. Is this true? One of my boundaries is to only help financially with her recovery and nothing that might enable use. Do I help with rent? Is she manipulating,lying, or really in need? I love the shares here about looking at my motives. As her only parent I want to help her. I'd help her if she wasn't an addict and a normal kid trying to make it on her own. If she was trying of course.

So that part is wondering what I SHOULD do. This part is what CAN I do. She has a boyfriend she wants to move in with in a couple months. She wants to move back home and save her money up for that. There's no way she can make enough where she is to get out of there. I empathize with that. I've been stuck before and escaped only with help. I really don't have money to help her pay rent. This sounds like a good plan. But she's got this illness. Do I want the chance of all that drama back in my home? Can she stay healthy while she's here? Can I enforce rules? Can I evict her if needed? I'm her only help. I'm her mom. I love her more than anything and truly want to help her. Would this be helping? Should I try to help pay rent somewhere else?

Do parents pay for rehab and recovery homes? This is her first time. I've already told her I won't help again. But I do want to help this first time. Who knows, it might be all she needs.

Thanks for being here to share with!

Rhonda

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jeanette
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Re: Help with sober living rent or not

Post by jeanette » Thu Dec 07, 2017 2:50 pm

The decision is yours alone -

I had to look at several things -

-what are the potential choices?
-what are my expectations of these choices?
-might I have resentments if these expectations are not met?

I did not want to live in the sober living house where my husband had to live. Other people, single beds, shared bedroom, shared bathroom, everyone having access to each other's stuff because no locks allowed - wow - it sounds a lot like living in my sorority house in college - except those sharing my living space were "sisters" not "recovering addicts". My husband, however, was living the consequences of his actions. He had his disability check, which seemed to go to cigarettes, fast food, etc.

I had to decide what to do - I decided that he need to pay it himself -
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love
Jeanette

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

MarieW
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Re: Help with sober living rent or not

Post by MarieW » Thu Dec 07, 2017 5:41 pm

Do I want the chance of all that drama back in my home? Can she stay healthy while she's here? Can I enforce rules? Can I evict her if needed? I'm her only help. I'm her mom. I love her more than anything and truly want to help her. Would this be helping? Should I try to help pay rent somewhere else?
I help my son with rent at his SLH probably more than I should. He also works at a restaurant, and brings home about $800 every two weeks. His rent is only $580 and includes some food, so he should be able to pay it easily. He recently asked me if I would pay his Dec rent as his Christmas/Birthday present. I agreed to pay $400. The next thing I know, he's spent $400 on a gaming system and is bragging about it on social media.

Before I give my son money for anything, I have to ask myself, do I have expectations of his behavior tied to the gift? Will I feel resentment if he behaves differently? I've been at this a long time, so I know that I have to do whatever I think is right at the time and then let it go. I could be resentful and angry that my son basically used my money to buy himself a luxury when he has many other "better" uses for the money, but it was a gift, and I have no control over how he uses it. I could also afford to pay it without jeopardizing my financial security.

I know that part of my decision comes from the fact that I DO NOT want him to live with me. It would be so unhealthy for both of us. I've found that it is impossible (and inappropriate) for me to try to enforce rules or conditions with my adult children.

That said, I will think twice (or three times) before I help him again!

Keep coming back.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

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Matee
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Re: Help with sober living rent or not

Post by Matee » Thu Dec 07, 2017 7:02 pm

My RAS was considering sober living after leaving treatment. In our State, there are multiple subsidization programs for addicts to apply for. Grants, scholarships, assistance programs, and sliding scale fees are all available to help place and off set the cost of rent. The internet is the best starting point in researching those opportunities. For the RA, where there’s a will there’s a way. They can secure funding without asking for our monetary contributions on a monthly basis. A significant portion of their/our recovery is they become self sufficient. The sooner the better for all involved. I hope you find this information helpful as you navigate your program comfortably with a peaceful heart.
PEACE. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

Ma1954
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Re: Help with sober living rent or not

Post by Ma1954 » Tue Dec 12, 2017 7:31 am

I have paid 10's of thousands in rent thinking just one more time maybe this will help him (my as/ras) get on his feet. Something always happens to sabatoge my good intentions. I gave him rent money for December because it's Christmas time and the cops impounded his truck; something always happens. Here's where I have to work my program and set boundaries. No more money. Even texting him sends me into depression. I would rather not hear from him at this time. Yesterday I got a job. I will now be able to pay off some of the debt I took on to help him. I have to help me. This is a ME program. Hugs. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Rhonda
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Re: Help with sober living rent or not

Post by Rhonda » Tue Dec 12, 2017 12:25 pm

Thank you for the good shares. I appreciate it. There's always something that helps me.

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Hopefulmom
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Re: Help with sober living rent or not

Post by Hopefulmom » Fri Dec 15, 2017 11:29 am

Helped my AD out with rent for the last month,she has a job and a bus pass( 2 hr one way,worthless) I have helped with a few Uber's to keep her job.Now she has called in sick yesterday and today.I bought her a car last year,impounded and lost.
In all,My help is only keeping her from achieving an independent life.NO MORE!! Here's hoping my experience helps especially around Christmas when their self centered behavior really kicks in.I resent my decisions,not her,this is on me.

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