Apparently No does not mean no :( :(

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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BrokenHeart82
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Location: Burlington, ON
option_firstname: Carrie

Apparently No does not mean no :( :(

Post by BrokenHeart82 » Wed Dec 06, 2017 4:17 pm

I'm not sure how this works but I guess I'll give it a go.
My husband and I have been married for 15 years. In just the past 5 years his addiction his gotten worse and worse. Up until about 3 months ago we had it under control to a point. He had his 1 day a week (I know what your thinking). Then I allowed him to make the decisions weather or not his Sister moved in with us. Know what he would choose I started to prepare myself for adding another addict to my house.

Since she has been here, either she or him are grabbing almost everyday. Last week I left because I have them an option, the kids and I or drugs. I knew what they would choose they can't help it. I came back and gave them 3 options 1st she stays and we work together and help them both get it back together. 2. She leaves and he gets himself together because while the blame is not 100% on her, he apparently can't handle the change. Or option 3 the kids and I leave. They both choose option 1.

So now we add money issues into the mix and the fact that SIL is an escort. She went out twice to try to get money to help with that which is the reason she does drugs so husband got some to.

So quite literally since I left and came back they have done drugs every day. Im.make excuses for it and legitimize it in my mad. But what brought me here today is I am clearly unable to stick to what I say.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm so broken and feel like there is no way out

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SDIN2T
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Re: Apparently No does not mean no :( :(

Post by SDIN2T » Wed Dec 06, 2017 10:05 pm

Hi Carrie - Welcome to the forum. I am sorry you're going through this.

We don't give advice here. I will only ask a few questions. But no need to respond to me as the Forum isn't a running dialogue thing.

1. Why are your husband and his sister the only people that can make a decision that affects you?
2. Where do your decisions fit in?
3. No way out? - Reread the options you listed.

Keep coming back

:JR
And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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Ronni
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Re: Apparently No does not mean no :( :(

Post by Ronni » Thu Dec 07, 2017 9:57 am

No never means no when dealing with an addict.

It took me a long time to realize that I had choices where my addicted son was concerned. He didn't HAVE to live with me...that was my choice. I didn't HAVE to put up with his addiction and the many negative consequences on me...that was my choice. I didn't have to support him financially...again, my choice.

Yes, he got angry when I told him he had to leave. And when I stopped paying for things for him. And when I stopped bailing him out of jail, paying his fines, supporting him so he could continue to use. His addiction was running and ruining my life, becuase *I* let it. As soon as I stopped letting it, my life improved.

Yes, it was so, so hard to tell him no, to ask him to leave, to watch while his addiction took its toll on his life. But I stopped being selfless and chose me, chose to live a productive happy life in spite of my son's addiction. He's been sober three years now and says the best thing I ever did for him was to stop "supporting" and "helping" = enabling him. That until I allowed him to fully and completely experience all the consequences of his addiction, he was never going to choose recovery.

It's a hard road we who love addicts walk. Very hard. But as long as I continue to choose me, I'm OK. I hope you will be too.
My son's addiction is something that happened TO HIM. It is NOT something he did TO ME.

Claytonmomof2
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Re: Apparently No does not mean no :( :(

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Thu Dec 07, 2017 12:45 pm

It's easy to set boundaries but to actually implement them is so incredibly difficult. My husband of almost 11 years has left our home to pursue addiction and all that goes with it. It was his choice, and probably for the better as difficult as it's been, but my choice is to not allow him back unless he decides to turn his life around. The kids are struggling and I am too, but I'm hopeful that these boundaries are going to help push my AH to recovery. Now he's realizing the full consequences for his actions, he's completely on his own right now (with the exception of those he's met that are accepting of that lifestyle because they too are involved with drugs) for the first time ever, and it's been really difficult for him (and honestly, for me to watch as well). I've relied on my higher power more the past five months than EVER before, and I grew up in Christian school. I have faith this is a learning phase for my spouse and I both. That we are learning vital lessons that will shape us for a better future, together. I believe that. My husband was in inpatient treatment in August and left half way through...he just wasn't ready like he thought he was. He's torn between two lifestyles right now and he's really struggling. Last week he was in tears about where his life has come to, yet he can't admit he needs help and isn't willing to get it yet. BUT....I spoke with his counselor from the inpatient rehab he went to and he says that the best thing I can do for myself, my kids and my spouse right now is to stick to my boundaries and don't give in NO MATTER WHAT. That this is the most difficult part of recovery and it's what it takes to get him to a point of seeking help. I can only do what is in my power to control and I have to rely on my higher power (God for me) to handle everything else. I've tried to do it on my own, and it didn't work....only God can help this situation so that's where I've handed it over to. And what a relief...because that was a lot of weight on my shoulders. My heart is still very heavy and it's been the most difficult few months of my life but my house has been calm and peaceful for the most part which benefits my children. And as much as they miss their dad, he's not in a position to be part of their lives right now....he isn't the same person that they know him to be. And when he decides to be that person again then we'd gladly welcome him with open arms. Hugs to you, whatever path you choose.

judyg
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Re: Apparently No does not mean no :( :(

Post by judyg » Thu Dec 07, 2017 3:30 pm

This is where a sponsor or program friend can really be helpful. The first time I told my younger son no and really meant it, I had a program friend literally sitting next to me while I told my son over the telephone that he would not be getting another car after wrecking the 4th one and that I would be selling the wrecked one. I was scared to death! Ya know what? Nothing terrible happened. But something really good did happen. I learned I really could say no and mean it. That gave me strength to stand up for myself more and more.

This is a "we" program because recovery cannot be done alone. Have you found a local meeting? It's worth it...I promise. Go. Listen. Go again. Listen some more. Reach out to others after the meeting. Keep going. It works if you work it! Trust me on this.

Keep coming back!

Judy

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heretostay
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Re: Apparently No does not mean no :( :(

Post by heretostay » Thu Dec 07, 2017 5:49 pm

Hello and welcome to our family. I totally get it. My husband is what brought me here to this program. We have also been married 15 years. Addiction is a progressive disease. It gets worse as time goes on. I understand the once a week. It was the same for my husband.

No is a complete sentence. For me, I had to set my boundaries. It took me years to set them. My biggest problem was being a big time enabler for him to use. Again, it took me years not to enable him. I would give him money for doing tasks around the house (which he should have been doing anyway). I knew what he was going to do with the money, but I still gave it to him. I would allow his dealer to deliver his goods. Then I would allow him to use in my house. I would just occupy my time with work, walking, or sleeping.

I would just keep reading the serenity prayer. The hardest thing I ever had to do was getting the courage to change the things I can, which was me

Change does not happen overnight, but it does happen. Just remember you are not alone. Love and hugs.

Listen to learn and share to heal.
"Virtue is measured by struggles not by prizes" Anonymous

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