kicked out son

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Blue Sky
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kicked out son

Post by Blue Sky » Wed Dec 06, 2017 7:28 am

Hi. I cannot get to a meeting and really need support, guidance, validation or an opposing opinion.
My AS, 25, moved back home in August. He's already been to treatment and in jail. The past ten years with him have been very difficult. I had kicked him out before. My daughter, 22, and I were hesitant to have him come back but he seemed to be doing well. I told him he needed to be clean and sober, working a program and that I could not handle the chaos of active addict behavior in my house. If these things happened he couldn't be here. He is on a methadone maintenance program and taking some prescription drugs. I saw immediately how he would sleep all the time and look like he was falling asleep even standing up. I told him I think his meds are too strong or he's messing with them. He didn't change anything. He was eating enormous amounts of sugar. For example, a carton of ice cream a night. He enrolled in college and got a job. He eventually stopped going to class but so far still has his job. He began asking me for money for gas (which was all he needed to pay for) and lied as to why he didn't have any. One day my daughter saw his trunk open with an empty box of wine. He lied saying it was someone's trash. He then continued the drinking and lying. I told him repeatedly that in order to stay in the house he needed to go to meetings, get a sponsor, call a therapist which I gave the name and number. He didn't do any of it. I asked him to leave or go into treatment. He says he is in treatment at the clinic. A couple weeks ago I was at the ER with him. They know him and it looked like detox but nothing showed up in the urine test. He had a CT scan, MRI, etc. and was admitted for the night. Nothing showed up. The next day he was anxious to get out of there. So now he is sleeping in his car, coming to the house during the day when we're not home and trying to manipulate us verbally driving my daughter to tears. I told him to be out of the house by the time I return. I texted him the name and number of a shelter. He keeps saying "this is wrong" and "you're causing so much damage". I feel I'm doing the right thing but I am alone (single) in this decision. Am I missing anything? Am I doing the right thing? Should I be doing something else? I feel strong and weak, confident and questioning, loving and guilty. Thank you for your time and help.

Claytonmomof2
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Re: kicked out son

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Wed Dec 06, 2017 10:17 am

I have found that setting my boundaries is the easy party where I feel some confidence and control, but implementing them is another story. It's so very difficult and causes a lot of questioning within me. BUT.... if nothing changes then nothing changes. Sticking to my boundary is where the change will happen and I have to believe in my higher power that He will take control of our situation. My story is quite different yet the struggle of a boundary is the same. I once read that if an addict is angry with you then you're doing something right. Hold tight to your boundaries and take care of yourself and your daughter. We're all in this together and I feel your struggle!

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SDIN2T
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Re: kicked out son

Post by SDIN2T » Wed Dec 06, 2017 10:30 am

I can't answer your question if what you're doing is right or wrong. Only you can decide what works for you. But I know, with every fiber in my body, that an addict will manipulate us using every tool and method at their disposal so they can keep us living in fear and indecision with the goal of their continuing to use. Addicts pull our parental heart strings and lie endlessly hoping we don't change in a way that affects their using.

But the addict has fears too. They fear we will change and their manipulation no longer works. Their fear closes in on them like being in a room where the walls and ceiling are moving closer to them, shrinking the room. The claustrophobia must be unbearable when the addict realizes their manipulation isn't working anymore and they don't have the next fix lined up. I'd imagine panic sets in knowing withdrawal is around the corner.

As bad as it is, our addicts may not seek recovery. We know they won't change until the pain and fear of using is greater than the pain and fear of not using. So we have to be the change we wish our addicts would embrace. But our change has consequences (previous paragraph).

:JR
And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

Blue Sky
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Re: kicked out son

Post by Blue Sky » Wed Dec 06, 2017 2:14 pm

Thank you for your words. I appreciate your time and wisdom. Thank you for sharing.

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Jade11
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Re: kicked out son

Post by Jade11 » Wed Dec 06, 2017 5:38 pm

I know how you feel. My ALO is a master manipulator when actively using. He would do or say anything to make me feel sorry for him or overlook what I know to be the truth. I would often start doubting my decisions and give him another chance. My wavering in uncertainty was really all he wanted. It meant that at least for one more day, one more hour, one more minute even, he could avoid addressing his addiction and keep right on using in our house. I can't tell you if you're doing the right thing. I can tell you that my boundaries are for MY health and sanity. I have the right to live in peace and safety in my home. There is nothing I can do or say to control my ALO's addiction. I can only make sane, healthy choices by myself, for myself, and hope my ALO will choose to follow. Keep coming back. xx

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endoftheroad
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Re: kicked out son

Post by endoftheroad » Wed Dec 06, 2017 10:13 pm

Blue Sky, I will tell you that the moments you are going through are the very hardest that I had in asking my 26 year old addicted, sort of recovering son to leave our house almost 4 years ago.. I could have written your post.
My darling son was home to clean up, go to meetings, keep his job and stay clean.he was also on Medically approved medication to curb his addiction to heroin. I thought we had pretty good boundaries, but he could bend every one of them. I did find all of his paraphernalia and asked him to leave. He went and couch surfed for awhile, all the time, coming back home and guilting us for asking him to leave.
This is almost 4 years later and he is in a decent shelter with social services, but still bound to the drug. I tell you I could not have him back. It took a long time for us to take back our lives and our daughter to take her life back too!
Trust your gut, and take it one day at a time. PM me if you like as well. ox Susan
This is the easier softer way.....

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flash
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Re: kicked out son

Post by flash » Wed Dec 06, 2017 10:51 pm

I've said this many times before and it would make life so much easier for all of us.... If only there were a rule book.
"dealing with addicts 101"
there are no simple answers but I love all the ES&H you have received, esp. "nothing changes if nothing changes" (my favorite slogan).
So hard to know what to do and say but turning our fears to faith is all I got.
Hope you have found some comfort in your decision.
Love, Donna

Ma1954
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Re: kicked out son

Post by Ma1954 » Thu Dec 07, 2017 12:55 am

your post is a lot like my situation. My son is on his third kick out. I thought he was recovering too. He was sleeping all the time and not really working, asking for gas money, etc. My husband kicked him out. I was mad at him at first, but I understand better now. I am the one with the problem of setting boundaries and sticking to them. I
have been away for a week. I go home tomorrow. I havn't heard from my son,\. I hope he doesn't start asking me for money when I get back. I'm not going to call him. I need to stay away from him. I really need to protect myself with boundaries. It is very hard to do. Hugs, Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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vscook
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Re: kicked out son

Post by vscook » Thu Dec 07, 2017 10:33 am

I am so sorry for your situation. My 23 yo AD still lives at home. For several months, things had been relatively quiet. No fighting or asking for money. But in the last month, her behavior has started to slip again. I am trying very hard to hold on to my serenity and just get through the holidays. No ESH here really - just support. (Hugs)
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

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janiemarie
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Re: kicked out son

Post by janiemarie » Fri Dec 08, 2017 10:26 am

I used to send my AD jumping thru all kinds of hoops
in order to stay... to get... to see.
Never worked
she manipulated every scenario masterfully to get what she wanted/needed
Her drugs and an easy route to keep using them
I don't anymore.
She Knows what she needs to do
And this is what I tell her when she asks 'Mom what do I gotta do to..."
She's an adult and doesn't need me to tell her.
and I've found my gut to be a pretty good barometer for where she's at in her using.

I will share that enforcing my boundaries for my well being has been one of the most difficult painful things I've done in my program.
I understand
And I'll add that enforcing my boundaries for my well being has also returned a tremendous amount of happiness, joy and peace to my life.

In time the strength, confidence and love strengthened and flourished
And the weakness, questioning and guilt faded.

Keep Coming Back
“And this too, shall pass away.” How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!”
--- Abraham Lincoln

Blue Sky
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Re: kicked out son

Post by Blue Sky » Fri Dec 08, 2017 8:14 pm

Thank you all. I was walking around today wavering between confidence and doubt. Your words have helped me get back to feeling confident. He comes to the house when we are at work. I will stop that. I also have been taking care of his baby and now it's 5 nights a week and every weekend. He is now using the baby to manipulate me. Unbelievable. Peace to all of you.

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belkar1
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Re: kicked out son

Post by belkar1 » Sun Dec 10, 2017 8:12 am

I have been there,

If you do this, I will do and give you this. It did not work, my son could ware anyone down. Try to change my boundaries and call me crazy, for having any in the first place. I have found active addiction in my son is living life with NO limits, NO boundaries, NO consequences, for any actions.

Boundaries are what brought me peace, serenity came after !!!!!!! Boundaries are to keep me safe, NOT to control or punish my son.
They can also change, that was a hard one for me, I learned what I needed to do for me.

I love my son, he is now 37 he can figure it out, or not. It is up to him. Addiction is a hard task master, it rules with total control. I NO longer want to live in my sons addiction that is his.

My home is mine and my husbands, my son is a visitor only. He has NO rights to our home, it is where I have peace and serenity. I guard it like a junk yard dog. I no longer participate in the revolving door, it brings insanity into my life. I can no longer live with active addiction, my son has choices and so do I.
You also have choices, you have strength, courage and hope. I have found when I gave myself these gifts first, the rest unfolded.

Love
Belkar

Blue Sky
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Re: kicked out son

Post by Blue Sky » Sun Dec 10, 2017 10:04 am

Your words spoke volumes. Thank you.

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