With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Post by Jade11 » Sun Dec 03, 2017 1:56 pm

I'm trying not to resent my RAH. We have really good days but we also have really bad days. IN spite of his sobriety I'm still letting myself ride a roller coaster. Still wake up and wonder why we wasted a day arguing. He is working a 12 step program, has a sponsor, and goes to outpatient. He also still has addictive behavior/thinking. Our bad days are mostly because I REACT to it. I admit I have a lot of old resentments and anger toward him for things he's done. When I see his current behavior to me or the kids, or hurtful things he says, it's like it triggers all those old memories. If anything, I get more angry because now there's no drugs or alcohol involved as a reason. I bottle it up for a few days then blow up emotionally. :shock:
Every time this happens it's like two steps back every step forward. I feel like kicking myself after.
The latest incident... My RAH left our 11 yr old behind in a busy store a few nights ago, while I was waiting outside. He was pissed off at me because we had a minor disagreement. So he did it as a punishment or a lesson I'm guessing... to show me what happens when I disagree. When he showed up without our kid, I asked him where she was and he shrugged then ignored me. I had to go find our daughter. She was totally confused... said she bent down to tie her shoe and Dad was gone. When we got back to the car my RAH told me, "If people don't listen to me, why should I wait on anyone?"
I understand it's natural to feel upset. I felt angry he would endanger our child by leaving her alone in a huge, very busy store at night. I was also angry he would cause her that distress, and angry he would do this to emotionally punish me. But it's not "natural" to lose my mind which I did. I went off and let him have it right there in the parking lot. Totally embarrassing and inappropriate of me now I think about it. He did apologize the next day but I'm still feeling resentment toward him. More than that feeling pretty ashamed of the way I reacted. :oops:
What could I do differently? I hope I can assertively not aggressively let my RAH know how his actions make ME feel with "I" statements. Then leave it there. I can make a decision for myself like if my RAH isn't capable of responsibly supervising our kids in public, then I don't entrust him to do so. I can take the responsibility of watching them myself.

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Re: Resentment

Post by vscook » Sun Dec 03, 2017 7:28 pm

Hi Jade,

My first reaction to your post was "All couples fight." Maybe you are expecting too much? Remember, expectations are resentments under construction. My second thought is to keep working your own program. I stopped going to Al-anon after my husband and I separated, and now I am so sorry I did. You cannot change your AH's actions, only your reactions. Finally, not allowing your AH to take your kids anywhere is treating HIM like a child. Check your motives for wanting to do that. Is it to punish or humiliate him? These are just my thoughts - obviously you can take what you like and leave the rest. Keep coming back!

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

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Re: Resentment

Post by jeanette » Sun Dec 03, 2017 8:39 pm

Jade -

you say
He is working a 12 step program, has a sponsor
it wasn't until I actually got a sponsor and worked my program that I made progress.

I am so sorry that your child was left alone and scared -

Resentment is a very difficult emotion (for me)
but I have come to understand that
resentment often comes from
mis-place expectations.
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

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Re: Resentment

Post by Sqbear42 » Sun Dec 03, 2017 11:03 pm

"My RAH left our 11 yr old behind in a busy store a few nights ago, while I was waiting outside. He was pissed off at me because we had a minor disagreement."

WOW, just WOW! As someone who works in the legal field I would have a legal responsibility to call CPS.


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Re: Resentment

Post by Jade11 » Mon Dec 04, 2017 10:42 am

Thank you for your responses. I will indeed take what I need and leave the rest! I NEED most of it! Thank you for your encouragement (hugs)

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Re: Resentment

Post by SDIN2T » Mon Dec 04, 2017 1:32 pm

You're normal. For me, I've lived my wife's addiction so long that I have unhealthy behaviors. Just like you, I also bottle it up for a few days then blow up. That is one of the hardest behaviors for me to change. And, just like you, I have a lot of old resentments and anger toward her for things she's done.

But all of this is MY problem, not my wife's. I hate to sound like a broken record, but I was able to work through my old resentments and anger by working the steps. I'm still a work in progress, and will be in my recovery the rest of my life.

I can't say it enough, for me, the miracle happens in working the steps.

And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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Re: Resentment

Post by RaggedyAnn » Mon Dec 04, 2017 11:29 pm

I am have a haaa-UUUUUGE issue with resentmet!!

I, too, bottle it up and EXPLODE!!! He always throws the 'passive/agressive' term in my face. It is somewhat true but it stems mostly from his behavior and now me not wanting to derail his recvery.

“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.”
— Blessed Teresa of Calcutta

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Re: Resentment

Post by endoftheroad » Mon Dec 04, 2017 11:45 pm

To me, leaving children at the expense of a recovering adult is pure insanity. Sorry, but we protect our kids at all costs.

A long time ago, I noticed that my As made my GD terrified. Never again did I bring her around him.

I work out my own crap with him and do not throw my granddaughter to the wolves. The children must be protected at all costs.

I find that a qualified counselor will set the story right. It is so easy for them and us to blame ourselves for reacting. But when it comes to kids, to me the boundaries are tight. It is our job to protect them and draw the line. Don't blame yourself, this crossed the line in many books!

Keep coming back.
This is the easier softer way.....

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Re: Resentment

Post by DonnaMc » Tue Dec 05, 2017 5:25 pm

Only you know whether your reaction was truly over the top. I have resentments with my AS and I have had negative reactions to some really, really minor things. For that, I am often regretful and have made amends to him. In those cases, yes, I need to work my program and change my reactions to something more appropriate.

But, I could very easily see myself having a hugely negative reaction and response if I were in the same situation as you were whether or not my husband was an addict. All bets are off when it comes to the protection and safety of children. When my exAH's care of our son became neglectful and reckless, I stopped allowing him to take him without my supervision. I really didn't much care whether or not he felt like that I was treating him like a child. He was not a responsible adult. My motivation was one thing and one thing only, protecting my child. And I feel not one smidge of guilt or regret about that.


Donna Mc
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer - Albert Camus

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Re: Resentment

Post by whitedove » Wed Dec 06, 2017 6:17 am

I believe I have a "doctorate degree" in can seethe for days, weeks....make it my "profession" and then explode...but...I have come to realize that resentment, for me, stem from leaving things left unsaid, or not being heard...not wanting to hurt a loved one....I am working on saying whats bugging me, in a timely manner. Resentment for me is like drinking rat poison, then expecting the rat to die.

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