Upset over a sober decision

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Upset over a sober decision

Post by Mommy2b » Sat Dec 02, 2017 3:08 pm

Has anyone been upset with an ALO's decision they made for their recovery? In a situation where my ALO's recovery plan really negatively affects my life and I can't help but feel some resentment.

I know I did cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it but... where does that put my needs and wants. Do we all just live selfish lives? Can I expect my ALO to only think about what he needs and wants? Is this really how a marriage works? So because of his addiction I am labeled as a co-dependent. If my husband was not an addict would I still be co-dependent or a good wife? He became an addict for two years before I found out, I was literally fueling his addiction without knowing.

Here I am thinking I'm a hard working, good hearted person who loved her family but I'm the bad guy too. I usually have these terrible days followed by some clarity but just having a very hateful day today...

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Re: Upset over a sober decision

Post by vscook » Sat Dec 02, 2017 3:57 pm

Addiction and recovery are very hard on everyone involved. My husband was an alcoholic and he tried very hard to remain sober, but relapsed many times. I realized I was a co-dependent, and I was enabling his behavior. That's very hard to take when as you said you thought you were being a good wife. Try to give your AH space to work on his recovery and focus on your own program. You are not alone - keep coming back!
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

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Re: Upset over a sober decision

Post by Jade11 » Sat Dec 02, 2017 7:16 pm

Your post reminds me of a Nar-Anon slogan I've been repeating to myself: Get Out of the Way.
It's my mantra right now because I'm constantly thinking of what I wish my RAH would do. It takes all my strength not to give my well meant advice. Sometimes it seems so clear to me what the "best" choice is. But I know my advice is actually an effort to control. Trying to control another person is likely to drive me crazy. Don't want to go back to doing that.
I want to give him space to work his own recovery in his own way in his own time. I want to focus on my own recovery and how I can fulfill my needs. Live and Let Live.
With my RAH at least... when he makes his own choices, his own mistakes, he's more likely to take accountability and learn.
When I stick my nose in and give advice he dodges responsibility.
His rehab counselor said to me: "Your job is learn to trust him. His job is to prove you wrong." In other words, my RAH's job is to prove my doubts wrong through working his recovery. That's his job not mine. As long as my RAH is working on his job, I try to work on mine.
Keep coming back <3

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Re: Upset over a sober decision

Post by belkar1 » Sun Dec 03, 2017 8:43 am

It is my youngest son who suffers from the disease of addiction. I have learned over many years that his illness is forever. With times of success, and relapse.

He can be controlling, hateful, all the things that go along with addiction. I will love him for ever however will not allow myself to be dragged down the dark hole with him.

Perhaps if you can turn your statements on their head what would that look like ? every statement that you made reverse it.

When I did that it really opened my eyes, I will do my best to not allow my sons recovery plan or no plan at all to negatively affect me at all. I know I am a good mom, I am not perfect. My AS did not come with directions, but his addiction is because of his actions, he played with fire. Now he suffers from the disease of addiction, it can be arrested but as of today not cured. It is a progressive disease.

I know I had nothing to do with it. However I did contributed to it for many years. I know the difference now, but that does not mean I do it perfect every time even now.

What do you need in your life ? you are important in all of this. Living with addiction is hard, what are your boundaries ? remember they are for you, what will you tolerate ? remember we teach people how to treat us.

Put you first in all things, it was really hard for me to learn this. When I am totally exhausted I am no good for anyone. Let alone my own self. My son has good days and bad, today again we do not know where he is. Its ok, he knows where he is and has made a choice not to tell us.

I carry on my life, I do what I need to do to find my JOY in my life. I have so much to be grateful for. The rest will unfold, in time
Keep coming back, read, post, come to meetings, find a F2F, take care of YOU. Meetings, sponsor, steps....we do recover together, and learn how to live a different life. One with peace, one that offers us serenity.


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Re: Upset over a sober decision

Post by SDIN2T » Mon Dec 04, 2017 1:13 pm

Mommy2b wrote:
Sat Dec 02, 2017 3:08 pm
Has anyone been upset with an ALO's decision they made for their recovery?
Yes. But it was her recovery not mine. And I can say I've been more upset with my ALO's decisions she made by not seeking recovery.

Regardless how I felt about what my wife did or did not do while she was in recovery, I was still grateful she was in recovery.

And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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Re: Upset over a sober decision

Post by DonnaMc » Tue Dec 05, 2017 6:17 pm

My answer to "do we all just live selfish lives" is, now, yep, sorta. I don't think that means that I am no longer compassionate, loving, helpful, generous. It does mean that I have boundaries and that I have recognized that I deserve a life too.

I have had two ALO's in my life. My ex husband and my son. With my ex husband, I realized that I loved him more than I loved myself. It may sound selfish but, whenever a young person asks me for relationship advice, I always tell them "love your partner to the moon and back, but always be sure you love yourself just a little bit more than that." I love my current the moon and back. He is a wonderful and amazing man. But, I love myself just a little bit more. Loving myself more is what got me out of a very destructive relationship and in to one where I am treated the way I deserve to be treated.

With my AS, it was harder. Can a parent ever love themselves more than their child? I don't think I could. However, with him, I realized that I was so busy living his life that I had lost mine. I love him so much but, having a child doesn't mean that a parent relinquishes their opportunity for a life of their own. I nurtured him and raised him. His choices are his own. I have done all I can do. I will always love him, but I do have a survival instinct. I do want a life. And what a tragedy it is that addiction is laying waste to one life, I will not let it lay waste to two.

Donna Mc
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer - Albert Camus

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Re: Upset over a sober decision

Post by Confusedwife » Tue Dec 05, 2017 11:44 pm

I feel like I was also just being a good wife. And now I'm trying to support my husbands recovery. He has been sober 48 days. He is cross addicted and in addition to opiate use he had multiple affairs. I had no clue. I trusted him and he lied and cheated.
I'm not sure what to do now. I love him. I want things to work but the pain of betrayal is deep.
Confused and deeply saddened.

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Re: Upset over a sober decision

Post by endoftheroad » Wed Dec 06, 2017 12:06 am

I am twice blessed in 12 Step Programs: I am a recovering addict of 30+ years and the mother of a 28 year old heroin addict. And I recovered in both NA and Naranon.

I have learned a lot about my own life through recovering in NA,and with lots and lots of counseling with my husband of 30 years who went through it with me. And lots and lots of counseling with my son even as he had some recovery in NA.

I have never considered myself a codependent, it just didn't come in on my inner self! Maybe that was the addict in me. But, I did struggle to help my son find recovery like I had. Today I understand his recovery will be entirely different than mine if and when he chooses it. I never ever criticize or judge his bouts with trying to recover. My most paramount wish for him is that he STAY ALIVE.

When I was in recovery, I have to say, my husband stayed out of my way. I was away a lot, going to meetings, being with friends at sober get togethers even going to retreats without him. I was lucky that he had a lot of hobbies and interests, and that continues today. The biggest asset that our marriage carries is that we each let each other have our heads to do what we want to do.

However, when there were children to raise, we did a lot of couples counseling. I love the 12 Step programs, but we are not counselors or doctors. Having professional advise of a good couples counselor who understands addiction and recovery is a must in my family. Hang in there ;)
This is the easier softer way.....

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Re: Upset over a sober decision

Post by Confusedwife » Wed Dec 06, 2017 12:18 am


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