Is this as good as it gets?

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Is this as good as it gets?

Post by Ronni » Fri Dec 01, 2017 8:54 am

For so long, while my son was in active addiction, I was unhappy and continuing to try to change and control him. Clearly that wasn't working. Could I live my life if this was as good as it got with my son? The answer to that came slowly and painfully, but over time I realized that acceptance of my son's choices, acceptance that I was powerless, was the foundation upon which I was then able to rebuild my life, detach from my son with love, and yes, even be happy again!

HE is responsible for his life being however he wants it to be, just as I am responsible for mine being the way *I* want it to be. Do I want an addict in my life? No, of course not, but that is out of my control. What I CAN control is my own reaction and response to that.

My son is an addict, in recovery now jft, but he will always be an addict, and so of course that has an effect on my life because he is my son. But I've learned that it doesn't have to BE my life. That my life and his are separate. That I am in control of my life just as he is in control of his, and it's in my power to change the script from "is this as good as it gets?" to "my life can be anything I want it to be!"
My son's addiction is something that happened TO HIM. It is NOT something he did TO ME.

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Re: Is this as good as it gets?

Post by Jade11 » Fri Dec 01, 2017 9:28 am

I really love this. TYFS <3

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Re: Is this as good as it gets?

Post by Dove1987 » Fri Dec 01, 2017 9:39 am

Thanks for posting Ronni. I really needed to read this. I am up this morning with racing thoughts about my AH's recent behaviour. I find myself being un-happy and angry about his addiction. I feel he has done this to me and it causes me deep resentment towards him. I like the way you see it that his addiction is something that happened to him. I also like how you are focused on making your life what you want it to be. I have been trying to do this too. It is sometimes very challenging to stay focused on myself and my choices and not to get too concerned about his. It is very sad to accept the powerlessness over a AH's addiction because when I married him I planned to build a life with him not a life separate from him. I really feel very separated from him when I focus only on myself and that can be a very lonely place. When I focus mainly on myself I feel like I am a single person living in a marriage that isn't real because the trust and closeness is pretty much dead due to his addiction. Sometimes I feel like his addiction is his 'wife' instead of me because it feels like he cares about it more than me. The truth is he cares about feeding his addiction more than anything. It is very sad to come to this realization but I'm glad I am aware of it now and not confused anymore. I can say I realize I am powerless to his addiction and I give up trying to change it. He has to be the one to change it not me. I also cannot wait around for that to happen to live my life and focus on and take care of myself. I need to focus on and take care of myself now!
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Re: Is this as good as it gets?

Post by MarieW » Sat Dec 02, 2017 2:06 am

I remember the exact moment that I had that same thought. If this was as good as it was going to get for my son (endless cycles of treatment, sobriety, relapse, jail), where did that leave me? How do I want to live my life? What can I change and what do I need to learn to accept? That moment changed my life and lead me to Nar-Anon. I do not want my happiness to be dependent on what my son does. Nar-Anon has taught me to take care of myself while still feeling love and compassion for my son.

Keep coming back.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

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Re: Is this as good as it gets?

Post by flash » Sun Dec 03, 2017 9:24 am

TYFS Ronni - It was an a-ha moment for me when when I realized it might be as good as it gets for my son but I wanted more.
Hence - the program starts to kick in.
Love the insight

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