Letting go of someone you still love

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Letting go of someone you still love

Post by nichole03 » Fri Dec 01, 2017 2:31 am

I belive, this will be the hardest thing for me to do. I have to let the one i still love so much go. I have been gettin stronger thru prayer and support on this site. My AH is ruining my life. The 3 Cs-didnt cause it, cant cure it, and cant change it constantly play n my head.

Ive spent 2 yrs w my AH n active addiction to meth. I have tried over and over 2 fix him. Offered every help availbale and constantly bail him out of his messes. In april, i finally stood up and kicked him out, got a protective order and made him leave. He was gone 4 a week and it was hell. But he then decided 2 go to rehab. Which only lasted a week and biggest mistake of my life was goin 2 pick him up. In a months time, i put renters n my home, moved n2 a townhouse back n my hometown where my family is and transfered my job. I was so blessed it all worked out n gods will. But my AH came w me, not the orginal plan. But he promised 2 go 2 outpatient. Well now, 7 mths later he hasnt done treatment, did get a great job but lieing about his hours and hiding paychecks. I pay all bills. He has had 2 tickets.i paid for and wrecked his car i bought, i paid deductible. This is second wreck n less than a yr. I keep hoping and praying he goin to change. I get a promise and a glimpse of my old husband and think ok he has got this. And then i go thru his phone or his car and evidence is there. He lies and is gettin more physical and always blows up when caught. I have read a lot on this site and see my husband n so many other addicts. I dont want to belive he would lie and steal, thats not him. But guess what it is him right now. Moving out of his hometoen, did nothing cause he only met more trouble.

Tonight i had a man show up at my house 4 3rd time tellin me my husband is w his wife. My husband is supoosedly still at work on a 13 hrs shift. The man tells me so much about my AH having sex w his wife and always picking her up. Even him w other women, robbin places and jus all he is doing. He gives me his wifes number, and sure enough its on my cell phone records. When my husband gets home, all hell breaks lose. Of course the guy is lieing and thr number is someone elses. But what a coincidence the number called my husband tonight around time this guy says he watched my husband pick his wife up.

I managed to get my husbands phone and saw he has an app on phone again, which he uses to contact numbers of addicts and women i have blocked. I see messsges to a women where he is flirting w her and talk 2 the dealers he is supposedly stayin away from. My husband realized i had his phone and attacked me 4 it. He had broken 3 phones n my hand n thr las yr. He really scared me tonight and i let the phone go b4 breakin or he hurt me. I recently had 3 rods put n my hip, also didnt want neighbors involved or our daughter woke up. How has my life gotten to this? He was my best friend, we had a life a great one, good jobs, nice home, new cars. And now im sinking. And now i feel its all a fake we put on. We can pretend 2 b happy. Evergone thinks he has beat it and being a working family man. No one knowd i still find pipes, or meth, or texts sellin and buyin dope. As long as i let him do what he wants we can pretend to be a family until his friend or drugs call him. Go to church or meetings or have a break down emotionally between us and 3 hrs later i c text he lookin for drugs

Tonight after our fight i found a pipe and another cell pbone n his car. Which the man who had showed up at my house told me my AH had another pbone 2 contact his wife and had even bought her a phone. Ivr paid everything 4 2 years even when he worked i was bread winner. This isnt first time either ivr founf him w another phone. I knw i control everything 2 much and need help w this and when he is using i ck phone records so he has gotten other phones or used apps all while i pay 4 a phone for him and his 2 kids.

My AH has left. Supposedly goin 2 beat this guy up 4 his lies. But so many things the man r man said add up. Like times my AH has disappeared this week matches times he says my AH picked his wife up. Also she sleeping with a man who is HIV positivr and my husband sleeps w her and other women a 3somes w men. I dont want to belive this. NoT my husband! But so much happened n las 2 year, and not first time ive been told he sleeping with someone or i found things on his phone to point 2 cheating. Our sex life been horrible, with all we been thru. And i can tell whn he has used so he doesnt try anything w me. I dont use so im not trying 2 go all night and make porn. I have questioned him showering, always groomed from head 2 toe, yet if not touchin wife y? Things jus been diff with him.

Sorry 4 long post and details. I jus need help. I knw this. Im a control codependent freak. Im obsessed w him and his sobriety. Always fixing things. Finding him jobs, paying bills etc. He didn't work 2 yrs and i paid $700 a mth n child care for our daughter! I thought when he got this job n sept thing change things. But apparently not goin to. I worry about him losing another job and jus keep.lettin him stay and ruin my life. Y? His payck havnt went to help me or support his kids cause he now gambles to. I start 2 trust him do everything 2 protect him n better us and 3 times this week he took my debit card n stole money. Im constantly changing my pin, hide my purse at night and cash. He even used my csrd for dating site. Why n world would i not belive he cheats on me? Ive seen the messages 2. As much as i want a home w him and his kids to not knw or our daughter to lose him I dont, it cant go on. Im goin 2 end up n trouble or losing my child cause of him. Tonight i found a pipe n car, of couse it must old ol or somene set him up. Why n world will he not stop lieing and get help? Y do i keep lettin him control my home cause i dont want him losing job or on streets. He is 41 he should be able 2 live life right. He is stuck n his past w failures and dads death but y ruin his future?

He is gone, it breaks my heart. My daughter will wake asking 4 him. His car isnt legal. Who knws wherr he will go. I dont want him n trouble but idk what else can b done. Why am i so weak 2 him and keep protecting him? What happened 2 strong independent women i once was? How do i let go of someone who sometimes i really hate and want 2 slap sense into yet still holds a strong piece of me heart? Do i love him or do i not want to fail at saving him? But that isnt my job. Only he and our god can. I just need help myself. I have a 4 yr old who is my world, and although he can be a great dad, he isnt if he using or selling. I have 2 learn to fight for best for me and her and let him go. Please pray. Any adivce on staying strong and not falling 4 lies to jus keep peace and him manipulting me is welcomed!

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Re: Letting go of someone you still love

Post by jeanette » Fri Dec 01, 2017 10:13 am

Nichole -

Welcome to nar-anon - we understand - I understand
we won't tell you what to do -
but I can tell you that attending meetings, reading and sharing here, listening
and then changing ME - rather than trying to change others
has helped me to live a peace-filled happy life

the serenity prayer -

Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and Wisdom to know the difference.

Welcome -
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

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Re: Letting go of someone you still love

Post by SDIN2T » Fri Dec 01, 2017 1:34 pm

Hi Nichole - Welcome to the Forum. I'm sorry you are going through this.

I remember doing everything I could to get my wife to stop using. I remember covering up for her so the rest of family would not see she was an addict. I've spent 10s of thousands on lawyers and bail. I remember she got a job delivering newspapers and my 2 addicts sons helped her with the job. But they were always wasted, so at 2 in the morning I'd drive 12 miles each way to pick up the papers, sort them, assemble them, and if I was lucky, I could wake them up to deliver the papers, if not I did it and it had to be done by 6am. Then I go to my job.

Such insanity. But I did all this because I loved her and I thought I could make her change. Just like you are experiencing, nothing I did could make my wife change. So I stopped trying and started my own recovery.

And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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Re: Letting go of someone you still love

Post by Jade11 » Fri Dec 01, 2017 4:20 pm

Welcome Nichole. I can relate to almost everything you wrote. I've also lived that insanity. Where he was going, what he was doing, obsessed with checking his phone, emails, texts. I became so obsessed that I forgot to take care of myself, to eat well, sleep well, have friends, or enjoy time with my kids. When I look back I see I gave away years of my life as I lived HIS life and choices, not my own. I allowed the addiction to control me, too.
I have to detach with love. It's not easy but if I did't detach from my husband I felt I was literally going to lose my mind.
The great thing about detachment I discovered... it IS about love. It's a way to truly LOVE my ALO. Instead of controlling him I love him enough to give him the freedom to make his own choices in life. Like the grown man he is. Detaching also frees me up to live MY life. I can work on my own recovery and love myself again, too.
Let Go and Let God... I release my husband into the capable hands of his HP (higher power).

Keep coming back for you!

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Re: Letting go of someone you still love

Post by Suejan » Fri Dec 01, 2017 4:45 pm

Thank you for sharing, I’m sorry for your pain. I do not mean to give advice, but you mentioned so many things that threaten your personal safety ,physically along with mentally, and your health. Please take whatever steps you need to protect yourself, put yourself first right now.
I’ll pray for you Susan

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Re: Letting go of someone you still love

Post by odat1 » Fri Dec 01, 2017 11:33 pm

I will pray for your strength to shine through.

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Re: Letting go of someone you still love

Post by nichole03 » Sat Dec 02, 2017 6:11 pm

Thank u all! It helps a lot. He has been gone 2 days now, rarly spoke today. Im worried and scared for him. Want him home. But knw i cant make him b sober and that has to happen first.

He has great health insurance thru me and his job and rehab would b 100% covered! In 9 days he is eligible for FMLA leave and possibly short term dis which may cover treatment. He has everything at his finger tips. Praying praying praying!

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Re: Letting go of someone you still love

Post by belkar1 » Sun Dec 03, 2017 9:36 am

So many times I asked myself the same question you asked. Where did the strong, confident woman go ? from my experience I can share my sons addiction beat me down.

I was tired, scared, lonely, felt if only he could make it a few more days. He would go to long term rehab, that was the answer and he would be safe. Fast forward many years, two children many women including an ex wife. He is still in the clutches of addiction. He was in jail, but I think now he was released and we do not know where he is again. That's OK

Your safety and the safety of your daughter come first !!!!!!

I learned that my safety and being safe in my home is my priority. I love my son, but that does not mean I will lay down and allow him to walk all over me. When I did that the only person I hurt was me, it was very hard for me to stand up again. It was my mothers saying the only way he can walk on you is if you lay down.

Through working this program I have learned to stand up, to value who I am. To take control of my life, and my safety.
Change began with me, NOTHING we did or did not do made a difference for my son. I can NEVER live with active addiction again. I will not be dragged down into the pit, I will NOT allow addiction to take me too.

I made a choice to change my life, I made a choice to protect my granddaughter. You can too, keep coming back, meetings, sponsor, steps. You have the right to live in a safe environment with your daughter. It is up to YOU, as the adult and caregiver of your child to keep her safe.

We do not give advice, we share our experiences. The only time we say anything is when safety could be an issue.
Find a meeting, read, post, do what ever YOU need to bring calm into your life. Keep coming back, we have meetings here 3 times a week. Today I love my son from a-far, it is healthier for me. I can not save him, I CAN SAVE MYSELF, I deserve a life, and so do you, and your little one.

We are here for support, the heavy lifting is yours. It takes strength to reach out and you did, you are not alone.

When we feel we are the weakest, we find strength, hope and courage to stand up.

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Re: Letting go of someone you still love

Post by YouKnowSSS » Tue Dec 05, 2017 11:22 am

you keep coming back.

this too shall pass.

my ALO son is going thru same @%&*, different drugs.

the bottom line for me is, that this program nar-anon is for ME and for MY recovery, and i'm not going to be that bottomed out loser for my child or anyone.

I feel like it's that poem by Robert Frost, 'the road not taken'

reprinted here:

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Momma G
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Re: Letting go of someone you still love

Post by Momma G » Tue Dec 05, 2017 1:38 pm

Thank you all for sharing your stories. I'm praying for my son also, that he someday find a better way of life. In the meantime, I'm focusing in my own health. God Bless!!

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