So lost

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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sindymiller0211
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2017 7:04 pm
option_firstname: Cindy

So lost

Post by sindymiller0211 » Thu Nov 30, 2017 7:35 pm

My boyfriend and I have been together since February but have been best friends for 14 years. When I met him, he had been sober for a year. I never knew him when he was using. He started again about 3 years ago and I didnt see him much. About a year ago we started hanging out again and admited we loved each other. Before that he got another adict pregnant but didnt want to be with her. I left my husband for him. He never asked me to. I chose to. He got clean when the baby was born, I helped him through it and he got custody of the baby. He wanted us to raise him together and all was great. He was back to the man I met 14 years ago amd we are so in love. Then we moved and he started again. I was afraid to lose him and the baby so I did everything wrong. I indulged and gave in. I begged, threatened and tried to make him stop. Finally something happened that I could not ignore and his grown daughter suspected he was using again. I told her I thought he was. Long story short this was on Mon. He told me things hadnt been going well. I told him to look at me, tell me we were breaking up and he was not in love with me. He wouldn't. He then came up with this. A year ago I said something to his adult daughter and we were only friends then. He didn't talk to me for a month. He told me again a few months ago not to talk to his daughter about our problems. I haven't. But now he is saying I confirmed for her he was using again. He said I've stabbed him in the back and he can't trust me. He says he wants a girlfriend that's got his back and protects him. He said he doesn't hate me but he is very angry and doesn't want to see me or talk to me. We just moved into an apt together Mon. He is staying with his daughter and she is making him go to rehab or a half way house. I have no legal grounds for the baby so my boyfriend's daughter has him. I am devastated. I have loved this man on and off for 14 years and I know he still loves me. I know eventually we will talk, but I'm so scared he won't want to be with me anymore. I have all of his belongings and have told him what I said was because I love him and wanted to help him. He says I went to his daughter because I was angry at him. I told him I love him. I know he's angry but I know he still loves me and I will wait for him. He said fine, keep waiting by the phone then told me to leave. I dont know if I should wait and he will understand when he's thinking clearly or if I should just accept and move on.

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SDIN2T
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Nov 15, 2014 1:13 pm
Location: Desert SW
option_firstname: JR

Re: So lost

Post by SDIN2T » Thu Nov 30, 2017 8:27 pm

Hi Cindy - Welcome to the Forum.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've lived with addiction in my life for many many years. What I learned is that an addict will make themselves the victim and put blame on us. They are master manipulators and try and make us believe all life's problems are our fault. Addicts want to keep us chained to their addiction so we act like they want us to, which is to let them do drugs. Once we start rocking the boat, the addict wants to move to a different host they can manipulate.

I've also learned that I cannot have a rational discussion with my wife who is an addict or my 2 oldest sons that are addicts. I cannot expect my addicts to have the normal behaviors I'd expect in a relationship. They are not capable of listening, understanding or loving us the way we think they should. An addict has one purpose, and that is to do drugs. Nothing is more important than that. Not a spouse, not a significant other, not a child, not a job, nothing.

I learned I couldn't love or hate my addicts into sobriety. I have no power to change them. It was really hard to accept that because I thought I could fix anything. It just doesn't work that way. But realized I did have the power to change myself and I did it by accepting the principals of Naranon. Regardless of what my addict do, I have my recovery program and it's a life changing thing.

I hope you keep coming back

:JR
And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

sindymiller0211
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2017 7:04 pm
option_firstname: Cindy

Re: So lost

Post by sindymiller0211 » Fri Dec 01, 2017 6:06 am

Thank you. I just miss them both so much, I worry that once he's clean, he will be too embarrassed and ashamed to call me. Even if he doesn't want to be back together when he's better, I would still like our friendship again. I guess time will tell and I just have to luve my life and hope for the best.

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