With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Re: I Don't Understand

Post by jeanette » Thu Nov 30, 2017 4:02 pm

My program has taught me not to judge others
I can provide an opportunity
but another persons feelings and decisions are not for me to question

I can understand that you are frustrated
however your mother is entitled to her feeling, decisions, and opinions

for me
there were periods of time where I could not see a loved one to protect my own emotional well being.

I have always understood that life could change in the next second
and I am ok with this
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

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Re: I Don't Understand

Post by HollyTx » Thu Nov 30, 2017 4:48 pm

Am I wrong in being angry and disappointed in her for acting like this.
I have learned that my feelings are valid and never wrong.
I have also learned that I cannot control how other people behave or their choices that they make.
Some days it's easier than others.
Addiction just plain sucks.



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Re: I Don't Understand

Post by simplemom » Thu Nov 30, 2017 5:21 pm

I didn't understand my mother's enabling of my son. I couldn't understand why my mother would lie about giving him money. I got my panties in a wad over her behavior and the relationship she has with my son.

Anger and disappointment are feelings associated with expectations. Thru f2f meetings, the kind people that sat with me helped guide me to change my thinking.

I was the one to work on compassion, pray to my HP for guidance, and acceptance of the ways of family members that were not aligned with ' my way of thinking'. Acceptance, respect for another, to recognize judging others....staying in my hula hoop....working the program....brought me to forgiveness to family that hurt me and to forgive myself. My bottom line was to not let addiction tear our family apart.

I cannot change my mother. I cannot change my son. I love them both and am a work in progress to maintain my own balance and peace as I can only change me. Thanks to all the tools found in this program.

My prayers to you, your brother, mother and your family. May you all find peace among yourselves during troubling times. Responding with love has made extremely difficult situations easier to navigate! Keep the faith.
Karen (simplemom)
"I am not afraid of storms, I am learning to sail my own ship."
Louise May Alcott

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Re: I Don't Understand

Post by endoftheroad » Fri Dec 01, 2017 2:18 am

I also have a sister, my only sibling, and very close a long time ago, who will not see or discuss my addicted son. And she has been in Alanon for 22 years. I believe she has the "if I get close to this, I will be affected by addiction again syndrome."

I think many people are purely afraid of the stigma of addiction, do not understand this at all. Especially an older generation. I try to give this behavior a wide berth and not have expectations that they understand addiction like I do.

I am hoping you find peace around this for yourself. I find that I am only in charge of my actions, emotions and thoughts. It is greatly freeing to not be responsible for someone else's shortcomings or views on life. Peace sister.
This is the easier softer way.....

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Re: I Don't Understand

Post by belkar1 » Fri Dec 01, 2017 7:59 am

A few years ago when my AS was between life and death. His two older brothers, took it very different. My middle son went to the hospital, my oldest did not.

As a mom I could not understand why the reaction was so different. I wanted them to stick together. I wanted them to help each other.

You see I WANTED, I tried to control another person. I tried to control my sons feelings and reactions, did not work very well.

When I just hugged them and loved them, and said. Look I made all three of you, and love you. What ever decision you make I will respect it. You see the consequences are theirs not mine. It was not mine to interfere in their relationship. I was not going to be the judgmental monkey in the middle.

I could not force my oldest to go see his little brother. As a grown adult the choice was his. It is not mine to pick up, I trusted they would find their way. Addiction is a heavy beast, it is sly, cunning, and if I do not step out of its way. Will mow me down quicker then you can say uncle. For me stepping out of what was not mine, not to judge others reactions. Gave me the freedom just to love them for who they are. My sons


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Re: I Don't Understand

Post by Ma1954 » Fri Dec 01, 2017 11:27 am

Last night I went out on the premise of going to a meeting to see my very sick son. I gave him $1000.00 for rent and court fees for today. On seeing him he told me his car got impounded the other day and the police need him to come in for some paperwork to get it out. I gave him 350.00 a week ago to have his car towed home. He must have spent it on something else. I can't take the bad things which are constant. I feel like I am having a break down. And the money issue is serious. I would like to break all communication with my son. I am getting sick. Anyway, some people need to detach to save themselves. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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Re: I Don't Understand

Post by linda.f » Sat Dec 02, 2017 10:53 am

For me, this disease is like being in an undertow at the beach.
You enter the water, the waves come crashing down on you,
you get up, then they smack you right down again. The powerful
waves pull you down again and again. You cannot get out. It's exhausting
and if you don't have someone there to help bring you to shore
you can surely drown! This was me. The nonstop cycle of active
use and constantly being sucked into the misery made me at times
not want my son in my life. I thought I will surely drown in his
disease if I don't get out and save myself.

Addiction is not meant for me to understand or rationalize. Because
if it was I would know how to fix it and clearly this has not happened.
I just know at times, I must save myself or I will be the casualty. I love
my son but I must save myself first or what good will I be to him or
anyone else if I am no longer here. This is where it led me at times
and maybe just for today this is where it has led your mother.


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