Rehab to Sober Living - Now What?

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Rehab to Sober Living - Now What?

Post by dhkhart1965 » Tue Nov 28, 2017 4:32 pm

Hello all. I have been reading post from others for the last few weeks and finally decided to stop lurking and contribute....well really maybe just get some things out of my head and write it down. My wife entered into rehab 40 days about (30 inpatient+5 Detox+5 Hospital days). There is part of me that is proud that she is working to get "better"....there is another part of me that has a hard time giving praise to something I just feel should not be happening. But I need to think about things differently and try and do something positive with all my anger, resentment, loss and other feelings I just can't figure out yet. I don't think I have reached that feeling of hope for a better me or a better her yet. This is not the first time we have went through periods attempted "recovery", although it is the first time for her to actually go to a treatment center. She always thought she was strong enough to do it on her own and I believe she could. Looking back on all the wasted years, not a good decision! Sometimes I blame myself for being stupid and weak, but I try and work through that because I finally realized I can't control her actions/desires. I certainly did try, but again that proved to be a failure. Sometimes it is tough to be honest with myself that I am not somehow to blame, especially in those really weak moments. I sure hope that gets better over time. I leave to pick her up from inpatient rehab in about an hour and take her to a sober living house. I scared, I am hurt, I am angry, and I am resentful of so many things all at the same time. I hate feeling this way and right now, as awful as this is to say, I blame her for putting me here. At least that is the loudest feeling at this very moment. I guess this rambling is my way of figuring on how to put on a good face for the drive with her to her next destination and trying find some real compassion. Then after getting that task done, trying to hold everything together to go home, take care of the kids, and keep all the other wheels turning, it just seems endless. Yes, i certainly have some codependency issues, i don't know what my real function is, since I have been the caretaker and today just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I wonder what I will be if i figure it out? I wonder who she will be if she figures it out? What will become of us? This is all new and present so much additional work to do, that I feel I just can't do anymore and I am more alone over the last 40 days than before. At least then there was my "vision of her" there...I know she wasn't really there, but its still hard to come to grips with today. After reading this long, long post.....I am just lost and looking for a lifeline. Thanks!

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Re: Rehab to Sober Living - Now What?

Post by Mommy2b » Tue Nov 28, 2017 4:54 pm

Welcome!! I too am awaiting my husbands first phone call since his 1 week blackout period in an inpatient rehab. This is his second inpatient rehab in a year. The first time was last December where he completed 30 inpatient and a 30 sober living. He attended rehab and sober living across the country and he has gone back. I am so happy knowing he is safe and alive for the time being

When my husband got out. He surprised me on Valentines Day. It was the sweetest and most genuine thing he had ever done. Our relationship had been the best it had ever been. I thought this nightmare brought us even closer together and that nothing could ever tear us apart. We decided to start trying for a family which is what we had been trying for before I found out about his addiction. We both forgot about his addiction and heroin doesn’t care how happy you thought you were.

I’m sitting here in the doctors office 7 months pregnant while my husband is in inpatient rehab. I have no clue at this point if he even wants to be with me anymore or if he just feels too guilty. I wish I had done things differently when he came home last time. I wish I would have set boundaries with him, continued to take care of myself and find true happiness without setting expectations on him or our relationship. I love this man and I know that what he has done is not him but I still have every right to feel pissed off and upset.

Even though I knew relapse was part of recovery it doesn’t get easier the next time it happens. I hope it never does for anyone and that ever addict finds long lasting recovery but your life needs to continue whether they choose sobriety or not. One bad batch of heroin and my husband is dead. My life needs to go on with or without him. I feel so much stronger now than I ever have. Yes days are tough and lonely but the only thing I wish I did differently was take care of myself sooner.

Please feel free to reach out anytime. I am still trying to find ways to get past the tough days and work a program for myself. I have found talking to a therapist, attending these meetings and surrounding myself with love and support of family and friends that I can get through this!

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Re: Rehab to Sober Living - Now What?

Post by SDIN2T » Tue Nov 28, 2017 4:56 pm

It is confusing dealing with a spouse that has the disease of addiction. So many questions that can't be answered. My wife has suffered from this disease for decades and only found a single brief period of recovery about a year ago. The advantage I had when she entered recovery was that I had my own Naranon recovery program. My program taught me to give my wife space while she worked on her recovery. I didn't micro manage her recovery by asking a lot of questions, forcing her to go to meetings, checking on her progress, etc. The most I did was give her rides because her license was suspended. If she wanted to talk abut her recovery, I listened, never judged (at least vocally), and never offered advice unless she explicitly asked.

We don't give advice here, so I can only share with you what I did and what was important. And that was, I didn't project the future. I didn't play out different scenarios in my head. I lived Just For Today, in the moment. The most important thing was that I enjoyed the time I had with my wife when she was sober. I saw flashes of the woman I married 29 years ago. I saw her grow in her recovery and she started to become my partner again instead of my adversary. But living in those moments is what I cherished because I know how fragile recovery is and I accepted she could relapse at any time. Which she did after 3 months. But I have the memories even though it was brief and it gives me hope she may find recovery again. I'm thankful I didn't waste my time getting wrapped up in her recovery or projecting the future. Live JFT.

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And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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