How do you deal with it all?

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Jw103
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How do you deal with it all?

Post by Jw103 » Tue Nov 28, 2017 1:39 pm

I’m fairly new to this but have been finding a lot of comfort in the posts from others. Today is a particularly tough day though. It’s one of those days that I have to really dig deep to get the strength to not burst into tears randomly.
How do you all deal with the hurtful things said by Your ALO?
I mean some days it’s like living with Jeckel and Hyde, one minute he’s the sweet loving man I know. Full of ambition, ideas and charisma and then the drug creeps in and life is one big ball of paranoia. The words and accusations that flow after that don’t make sense and I can see in his eyes that he knows the words he is speaking are confused and he doesn’t mean the hurtful things he says. I know he doesn’t mean them either and a few hours from now there will be apologizing for some of his actions/words and some he will still try to defend and blame me for. It’s never the cocaine that’s the problem in his eyes, it’s always someone or something else. And maybe he’s right, the cocaine didn’t cause the problems in life but I wish he could see that it’s the thing that’s holding him back from ever being able to resolve anything and move forward. How can we ever communicate if he’s always hiding behind a veil of cocaine induced confusion?
Thanks for letting me vent.

Louise01
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Re: How do you deal with it all?

Post by Louise01 » Tue Nov 28, 2017 1:50 pm

This is my first time reaching out and I too am struggling with all of this. One day it is I love you, the next day just evil things come out of his mouth. I never in a million years thought that I would be in this situation. It is so painful to watch. I have anger. I have love, but I need to start my morning without trying to reach him to see if he is dead or alive.

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SDIN2T
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Re: How do you deal with it all?

Post by SDIN2T » Tue Nov 28, 2017 2:27 pm

Hi JW - Welcome to the forum.

I know it's hard and so much doesn't make sense when dealing with someone addicted. We still love them and would do anything to get them to quit using if someone would just tell us how. It's hard to understand why they treat us so poorly especially when this was the person we pledge our love to. I wish I had the answers for you.

Unfortunately when a person is using and hiding behind a veil of addition, there is no path to any meaningful communication. When my AW is using and lashes out at me for no reason or for any reason I learned to Quit Taking It Personally (QUIP). When my wife is being irrational and screaming, I know that isn't the person I married. It's a person controlled by drugs and I don't what to be around her. I have to fight the urge to argue back because it serves no purpose, so usually I just walk away and say the Serenity Prayer to myself.

Keep coming back and continue to read the sharing from others. When you're ready, find a Naranon or Alanon meeting you can go to. It makes a difference to be around people that understand what it's like to love an addict.

:JR
And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

Idontknow
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Re: How do you deal with it all?

Post by Idontknow » Tue Nov 28, 2017 8:44 pm

You are not alone. Big hugs to you.

In the past, I tried every reaction to try and spark the change--anger, crying, disbelief, laughter. None made the situation or me feel any better. Walking away and saying the Serenity Prayer has helped more than I could have ever imagined. When my AH is using, I'll say the prayer and jump on the forum and read, it helps me feel not so alone.

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vscook
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Re: How do you deal with it all?

Post by vscook » Tue Nov 28, 2017 9:41 pm

Walking away is the only thing I've found that helps. I will go into my bedroom or my home office and put on my headphones. If my AD is really on a rampage, I will go for a drive. She usually wears herself out and falls asleep before I get back.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

Ma1954
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Re: How do you deal with it all?

Post by Ma1954 » Wed Nov 29, 2017 6:46 am

TYFS, you are not alone. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

jetsmum
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Re: How do you deal with it all?

Post by jetsmum » Mon Dec 04, 2017 12:55 pm

Before Nar-anon I didn't it became my normality...living the crazy train of addiction. When I started to work the program my sponsor said something that stayed with me, 3 words that reminded me of what I was trying to deal with.....He is Sick. I'm not a doctor I cant fix this. He may never be able to get into and stay in recovery, that has to be what he wants. So my part in it all is this, I don't collude, I don't allow my boundaries to be broken, I pray and I remember he is sick. I deserve to live in peace. No I didn't choose to be with an addict, so I have to be the best I can and allow him the same privilege. Some days the disease will take over, some days (usually if hes in jail) its under control. In his own time in his own way but its not my will but Gods that will help him and me to survive this.

May you find your way and your loved one also.

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DonnaMc
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Re: How do you deal with it all?

Post by DonnaMc » Tue Dec 05, 2017 6:24 pm

I just began to think of him, at those times, the same as an addict I might meet on the street. If an addict I didn't know came up to me and told me I was a horrible person, that I was mean, that I didn't care, that I wasn't doing enough, I would chalk it up as the rantings of an addicted person who was letting the drugs/withdrawal/whatever speak for them. Likewise, that is who my son was when he would go off on me. An addicted person letting the drugs/withdrawal/whatever speak for him. It began to affect me no more when he said it, than if a stranger did. After all, that is who he was....a stranger.

Peace,

Donna Mc
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer - Albert Camus

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whitedove
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Re: How do you deal with it all?

Post by whitedove » Wed Dec 06, 2017 6:04 am

This is a tough one for me too. Although the outer casing looks like my son, the hurtful and irrational things he says and does are not.
Took me a long, long time to realize that.
I will sometimes tell him the things he has said or done while high, he will have no recollection of it. When the addict part of his brain kicks in.....it kicks my son out.

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