I don’t know what to do

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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I don’t know what to do

Post by Jellybean55 » Mon Nov 27, 2017 5:49 pm

I am suspicious that my adult daughter has relapsed again. I have been thinking this for a couple months but I’ve been trying to brush it aside. I know that there’s nothing I can do but should I say anything to her. Within the last couple years is finally rebuild her relationship with her own daughters And with your sister and I hate for that to be in jeopardy isn’t my place to question her? Today I know she’s not working yet and I’ve tried to get a hold of her several times and I’ve Texter but no answer I’m afraid to go to her apartment. Much of what I read says that you should say something to the addict but what good will it do, what will that change It’s so close to Christmas that I just don’t know anymore. God I wish it would end, I wish that I could stop worrying about her. Maybe someday

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Re: I don’t know what to do

Post by SDIN2T » Mon Nov 27, 2017 6:03 pm

As parents I don't think we can ever completely stop worrying about our kids, whether addicted or not. When I'm in a quandary like you are, I trust what my gut is telling me, I ask my HP for guidance, and I keep my mouth shut. So many times I've wanted to say something to my addicts, but I know it will make no difference. So I have to examine my motives why would I say something? Maybe I'm trying to make my addicts feel guilt, maybe I'm looking for a specific response? Either way, it's an attempt to control. Or maybe I'm trying to prove I'm right?

And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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Re: I don’t know what to do

Post by DeanW » Mon Nov 27, 2017 6:25 pm

I could have written this post. Hugs

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Re: I don’t know what to do

Post by Ma1954 » Tue Nov 28, 2017 9:13 am

TYFS....I am worried sick about my son too! I tried to take him to court yesterday but his lawyer bailed on him????? My husband said if I contact him again he wants a divorce. When I left my son he is facing homelessness, no vehicle, warrants, no toilet paper, no job...telling me he's going to kill himself. I said I would take him to the hospital and he said he would just bull @%&* them and he would go home and do it anyway. Is this where I let the HP take over? I feel so sick. This is an awful thing. Sue P.S. as you can see you are not alone :(
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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Re: I don’t know what to do

Post by Ronni » Tue Nov 28, 2017 9:20 am

When my RAS was in and out of recovery, I learned that asking him whether he was using or not made no difference...not to him, and certainly not to me. Sometimes he lied, sometimes he didn't, but either way it brought me no peace to have that conversation. If I suspected he was using, him telling me no didn't do anything because I felt like he was just lying. And him telling me yes simply confirmed my worst fears and that didn't make me feel any better either.

I went through a period after that where I stopped asking him, though I'd still talk about it, bring it up. I'd just approach it like I knew he was, like it was a foregone conclusion. So instead of asking him "Are you?" I'd just make a statement like "Well, you're using again, so...." The outcome for me was still the same. Either he'd deny it, or he'd confirm it. Either way it didn't make me feel great.

A good Naranon friend once asked me "Well, what are you going to do about it even if he IS using?" And I was far enough into my program by then that I realized I wasn't going to do anything anyway. The knowledge wasn't going to change my own behavior or how I related to him. It wasn't going to change anything for me.

I stopped doing anything, asking anything, having anything to do with that merry go round. Not my circus, not my monkeys ;)
My son's addiction is something that happened TO HIM. It is NOT something he did TO ME.

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Re: I don’t know what to do

Post by hope1 » Tue Nov 28, 2017 12:12 pm

My AD has slipped twice since she has been in recovery two years ago. Both times. it was clearly evident in a short period of time. I didn't have to say or do anything. The truth is usually revealed when and if i need to know. Nothing changed when i found out anyways. She got herself back on track, without my advice or guidance. This is what she has a sponsor for, someone she can go to and discuss best next steps. I am not that person any longer. I am also not her higher power. I tried to be those things in the past. Tried to "fix" her, smooth is all over, ran circles trying to find solutions. My life is a whole lot better since i stopped doing that. There is an old saying "when in doubt don't". This has kept me on my own side of the street where i belong many times. I allow her the dignity of her own consequences just like all adults get. Our relationship is very good and i am grateful.

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